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Partner with dementia has new lover in assisted living

RER

Registered User
Jun 23, 2021
13
0
My longterm partner with early-onset vascular dementia moved to assisted living after I could no longer take full-time care of him, which I did for years. After a few months at the new place, another resident who does not have dementia approached him repeatedly and offered help with making a phone call (something my partner can no longer do), etc. Long story short, they are now having a sexual relationship and I am very emotionally hurt. I still love my partner but I can’t stand the idea that another woman took advantage of his situation (he used to love and adore me and I never had to worry about him being unfaithful). He told me today that he prefers being with her and is OK with never seeing me again. Although part of me understands, I am still devastated. How do I get over this? Luckily he has a son who is willing to take over all responsibilities for him, so I am literally free to walk away forever, but I’m still so hurt. Any advice/thoughts? Thanks in advance.
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,371
0
Scotland
I feel your hurt. Others have some experience of this and as you know it is not about you but the illness. It makes people do and say things they would have never done normally. Put this behind you and make a new life. It is brutal.
 

RER

Registered User
Jun 23, 2021
13
0
Thank you for your compassion. I know time will help, but at the moment I’m so, so sad and unsure of what to do next. If he had died, it would be easier to handle than this.
 

ganymede

Registered User
Apr 28, 2021
56
0
Thank you for your compassion. I know time will help, but at the moment I’m so, so sad and unsure of what to do next. If he had died, it would be easier to handle than this.
I can completely understand you feeling that.

You asked a very good question in your first post, "how do I get over this?" Spot on but I bet you hardly remember how to care for yourself, not your partner. Now that you are reassured he has the care he needs, it seems like a time when you need friends around you, and perhaps some counselling, to help you take the first steps towards prioritising your own wellbeing?
 

RER

Registered User
Jun 23, 2021
13
0
You’re correct that I have forgotten how to put myself first. Thank you for your good insight and suggestions. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to move forward with life once this devastating pain subsides and I learn what I need to from this experience. Thanks for being so kind.
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
3,654
0
West Hertfordshire
Does your partner actually have capasity to go as far as that with a new relationship? - I know that doesnt mke it any easier but....

Should the hom really be allowing such 'activities' or people to getinvolved with eachother?

Please talk to the home about it- I'm not convinced its healthy ( The hurt aside)

Must be the hardest thing ever, thinking of you x
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
5,274
0
Southampton
are you sure he can make decisions like that, that he understands what he is doing and reason out why hes doing this is this could be called abuse if he doesnt know. the other person could have taken advantage of the fact he cant way up the pros and cons and make a decision on that. i would be hurt as well but talk to the manager of where he is and ask about it and whether he has capacity
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
1,685
0
High Peak
I'm also concerned about the motivation of the new partner - what is she up to?

You mention that he is your long term partner, not your husband. And that makes me wonder about money. Obviously I have no idea of your circumstances - what property you or he might own or rent, but I'd be very careful if I were you. What's to stop this other woman from persuading your partner to marry her? Then she would gain legal entitlement to half his assets. Where would that leave you? Do you currently have LPA for his finances?

It's a very difficult thing when someone has obviously lost capacity in some ways but maybe not other ways. And I'm afraid the law supports his right to make 'poor' decisions unless you can show that the new relationship is detrimental to his wellbeing.

If it was me, I would be speaking not only to the management of the Assisted Living place but also to this 'new woman'. Make sure she knows you are watching the situation very carefully...
 

RER

Registered User
Jun 23, 2021
13
0
Does your partner actually have capasity to go as far as that with a new relationship? - I know that doesnt mke it any easier but....

Should the hom really be allowing such 'activities' or people to getinvolved with eachother?

Please talk to the home about it- I'm not convinced its healthy ( The hurt aside)

Must be the hardest thing ever, thinking of you x
The home says that as long as both people in the relationship are happy to be together, they do not do anything. If it’s a one-way situation and the other person doesn’t want the attention, the home will step in and stop it. Thanks for your kind thoughts.
I'm also concerned about the motivation of the new partner - what is she up to?

You mention that he is your long term partner, not your husband. And that makes me wonder about money. Obviously I have no idea of your circumstances - what property you or he might own or rent, but I'd be very careful if I were you. What's to stop this other woman from persuading your partner to marry her? Then she would gain legal entitlement to half his assets. Where would that leave you? Do you currently have LPA for his finances?

It's a very difficult thing when someone has obviously lost capacity in some ways but maybe not other ways. And I'm afraid the law supports his right to make 'poor' decisions unless you can show that the new relationship is detrimental to his wellbeing.

If it was me, I would be speaking not only to the management of the Assisted Living place but also to this 'new woman'. Make sure she knows you are watching the situation very carefully...
I get the feeling that this is not her first time at the rodeo, so to speak. She probably will use him for sex until that also no longer works and then she’ll move on. If not, she’ll find that he has no control over finances since that was legally protected years ago when he was first diagnosed. At that time he knew he could someday make bad decisions because of his illness and insisted that all our individual and joint assets be transferred solely to me. Thanks for thinking of these practical issues, which often can be overlooked during highly emotional times.