Partner now in care!

[triumph25]

Hi, my OH has now been admitted into care on a permanent basis after not knowing who I was, & thinking that I was trying to kill him

He is only 63.

Most people say, 'Well now you can get your life back & move on. It must be such a relief!'

But I'm finding it very difficult. I miss him far more than I thought I would, and am finding it really difficult to focus on anything. I keep flitting from one chore to another without finishing anything. Despite now having the time to do the housework etc, I just can't motivate myself some days.

The whole house looks a mess as I have half started to sort things in every room!

I thought that having more time I would have more energy and get things sorted (I'm generally an organised, give me a task & I'll do it sort of person) but I just don't!

I've been on anti depressants for quite a while, so I don't think it's that.

Is it the grieving process, even though he hasn't died? I am quite tearful at times.

 

[fizzie]

I'm so sorry, it is a bereavement - you need time and space and support.
Can I suggest that you try your local carers cafe - people just understand - at our cafe we have supported loads of people through the transition that you are now making and there is always a friendly face and a hug. You don't have to explain anything if you don't want to, you can take your time just being with people who care

 

[jaymor]

It is all very normal. I find the comment you can ' get on with your life ' very insensitive.

When my husband entered nursing care we had been married for 46 years and I had cared for him with the diagnosis of Alzheimer's for 7 years without help. He was my life, he just now lived in a different place to me. There was a different way of living to get used to but not a different life. It took me months and months to do anything myself. I would visit and then come home and sit. Eating was anything I could put between two pieces of bread and drinks were bottled water.

I did get builders in to repair the garden walls which were leaning very dangerously but my husband would not entertain anyone doing them, he would do it next week he said, weekly, for 7 years.

Slowly I got going but in my time not when good intentioned people said I should. I have now been widowed for just over 8 weeks and I feel comfortable at home as I have been living alone for 4 Years but find it difficult to get used to not going to visit my husband as I did every day. Going anywhere near his nursing home is stomach churning but it is early days and it will get better.

Don't push yourself, it will come. Just take care.

 

[triumph25]

Thank you both, for your replies.

Jaymor, to have done what you did for so long you are bound to find it difficult.

I haven't been going to the home every day, because he needs time to 'settle' but it leaves a huge hole in your life, and even though you had 4 years at home alone to get used to being 'home alone' you now have another 'gap' in your life and another 'transition' to make.

Because I am still of working age, people keep telling me I need to get a job, and ideally, financially, I do, but There's no way I could cope with a job at the moment.

I suppose part of the problem is that I want to do these things, and to get things 'sorted' but I just can't!

 

[tigerlady]

Hi, my OH has now been admitted into care on a permanent basis after not knowing who I was, & thinking that I was trying to kill him

He is only 63.

Most people say, 'Well now you can get your life back & move on. It must be such a relief!'

But I'm finding it very difficult. I miss him far more than I thought I would, and am finding it really difficult to focus on anything. I keep flitting from one chore to another without finishing anything. Despite now having the time to do the housework etc, I just can't motivate myself some days.

The whole house looks a mess as I have half started to sort things in every room!

I thought that having more time I would have more energy and get things sorted (I'm generally an organised, give me a task & I'll do it sort of person) but I just don't!

I've been on anti depressants for quite a while, so I don't think it's that.

Is it the grieving process, even though he hasn't died? I am quite tearful at times.

You are going through what many of us with husbands now in care homes are going through and still going through. Sending you hugs and you may like to look at the thread pamann started about our loved ones in care

Loved ones in a Care Home.

 

[LizK]

Your phrase "I miss him far more than I thought I would" is just how I feel, after my husband's been in a nursing home for 8 weeks. I was so involved with his care and at times so irritated by the things he did, that the love I used to feel for him was hidden by the daily grind of cleaning washing and generally watching him like a hawk. Since the daily care has been taken from me, the love I felt has returned and made me much sadder about his situation than when I was looking after him.

Liz

 

[pamann]

Hello triumph my hubby has been in a CH for 8 months, l visit him six days a week l still do everything for him, showering, shaving hair cut and wash, clean his teeth, do all his washing, as l have been doing this for 52 yrs l will continue to do so, after doing all his personal carel can go home for a rest until the next day. I could not do that when he was at home, it was 24/7. I can now have uninteruptive sleep for 8hrs, wake up feeling rested ready for the next day. I look forward to seeing my husband, l still love him very much. Try not to do too much to soon, l could not focus on doing much for 6 months, now l have more strength to do things at home. You will gradually recover it takes time, be kind to yourself and take care of yourself.

 

[Scarlett123]

Hi, my OH has now been admitted into care on a permanent basis after not knowing who I was, & thinking that I was trying to kill him

He is only 63.

Most people say, 'Well now you can get your life back & move on. It must be such a relief!'

But I'm finding it very difficult. I miss him far more than I thought I would, and am finding it really difficult to focus on anything. I keep flitting from one chore to another without finishing anything. Despite now having the time to do the housework etc, I just can't motivate myself some days.

The whole house looks a mess as I have half started to sort things in every room!

I thought that having more time I would have more energy and get things sorted (I'm generally an organised, give me a task & I'll do it sort of person) but I just don't!

I've been on anti depressants for quite a while, so I don't think it's that.

Is it the grieving process, even though he hasn't died? I am quite tearful at times.

Well what you need immediately is the biggest cyber hug that I can send you. I've just replied on some other threads about the difficulties of being a "midow", not yet a widow, still married, but not in the usual sense of the word.

Please be kind to yourself, and I know that is easy to say, but you have been a carer for so long, and your body is literally drained of energy, and you need time to recover, s-l-o-w-l-y. And unfortunately, people who live in the Real World, can make the most crass, tactless and idiotic remarks.

After caring for my husband with AD, for nearly 12 years, and having been together for nearly 50 years, he died 2 days before Christmas in 2014 - and his birthday was Christmas Day. And what did a neighbour say to me the following week, when she called round with a condolence card? "But did you have a nice Christmas anyway?".

I resisted the temptation to say "oh, it was great. I went through the list of people to contact to say he'd died, but left contacting them till the day after Boxing Day, so I didn't spoil their Christmas, I sorted out the Order of Service, which is such fun, I put his unopened birthday cards in a pile, to go into the coffin - it was marvellous!", and instead just murmured "um, er, er, um".

We all have marvellous plans, but instead, you're treading water, and unsure what to do. And then you have a spurt of energy, like you're about to go into labour - and 10 minutes later you find yourself in a crumpled heap on the floor, sobbing. And also, your husband is very young, which is another cruel and unfair facet to your pain and grief.

And yes, you are grieving. You're grieving for What Could Have Been, you're grieving for the loss of a happy and contented "older married couple" life, and I could have cheerfully murdered the next person who asked if I was planning a holiday - and then went on to tell me of places "they" had been, and "they" were going to.

Please unload your problems here, because everyone can understand and empathise. There are lots of Midows on here who have their loved ones in Care Homes, and many of us who have been in a similar position. Take your time, and if a planned job doesn't get done, then make out a fresh list (I'm a very listy-sort of person ), and put it on that.

And try to give yourself some little treats now and then, because heaven only knows, you deserve them. xxx

 

[di65]

We on here can all relate to what you are feeling, so you can go ahead and feel free to post your feelings
My OH was only 66 when went into care last year, and our married life was wonderful, and we had SO many plans for our "old age". We had sold our business, and as he had been a cabinetmaker by trade (many years ago) he had been accumulating some woodworking machinery in order to make children's toys and other wooden bits and pieces. I have now had to dispose of these machines as our two boys are not that way inclined. So sad when I see them go, but know that the new owners will use them well.
As you are younger, can you rekindle some of the friendships you had before this insidious disease took over your lives? I was fortunate in that my fellow Inner Wheel Club members were very understanding and took me in hand. That sounds a bit patronising, but they would turn up with a meal for me and stay to share it, and there are many invitations out for coffee.
My housework also suffered, but I am slowly coming to grips with it again. Don't panic about it, and if anyone comments - it's their issue - not yours
I have joined an activities group, and each week we try something new. It's quite a sight to see us trying Karate, badminton, bowls and the like, but it takes me out of myself for couple of hours.
I visit my OH twice a week, which I have reduced from my earlier visiting regime, as I found that he would be upset when I left, and I was next to useless for the rest of the day. The staff now tell me that he is more settled and doesn't remember that I have been when they ask if he enjoyed my visit Visiting I feel, is a personal thing - what works for one doesn't for the next.

You are in my thoughts - please accept my cyber hug

 

[Cat27]

You may find this lovely thread helpful http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showthread.php?92497-Loved-ones-in-a-Care-Home

 

[truth24]

As one of the Midows Scarlett refers to with my husband in his care home for nearly 2 years, sending you understanding and loving hugs.

 

[Scarlett123]

I know exactly how you feel. My OH is in hospital under a Section Three. I see him fading away from me with every visit. For me it is grief and bereavement without a death. I know it sounds harsh but that is what I feel. We met each other by accident after both going through horrendous divorces and we fell into the routine of a lovely life together. I cry a lot. Best wishes to you.

Oh Sweetie, you need a massive cyber hug. I've often posted that when John died, I felt relief. Relief for him that he didn't have to suffer any longer, locked in his bewildering world, and relief, selfishly, that I was now able to stop dreading each sign of his deterioration - and feeling useless and helpless that I couldn't do anything to ease his suffering.

Those of us who are/have been carers foryears, starting grieving yeas ago. I wish yu peace xxx