Partner is in care

[Phideaux]

My partner of 22 years was diagnosed with dementia four years ago when he moved into a care home. We used to live together for a third of the year but since he moved into care I have to stay in a B&B whenever I visit so only get to see him a couple of days each month at best.
When he first moved into care I was welcomed at the home he is in, but recently the tone towards me has changed. I have been given various spurious excuses why we cant sit in his room together- first it was because the room was being cleaned, then it was for fire safety reasons now I am told it is to protect his mental health.
When we were sitting in the communal area I was holding his hand when a member of staff pulled me to one side and told me I must not do that because it is abusing him and it might upset other residents (not that it had upset other residents). There were plenty of things I could have said to that but I bit my lip and didnt say anything.
How much affection does anyone else show to a partner in care and what is the attitude of staff to you?

 

[turbo]

Hello Phideaux, the care home staff's attitude towards you must be upsetting. In my mum's care home visitors are affectionate towards residents in all the public areas. The carers also hug residents. Sometimes other visitors who know mum well give her a hug when I am there.
If you are visiting I cannot see any reason why you cannot spend time in your partner's room together. Cleaning doesn't take long.
Do you know of any reason why the home are behaving like this. ?


turbo

 

[Grannie G]

Woe betide any member of staff who objected to me showing affection to my husband. It`s all we have left.

No one takes any notice.

 

[uselessdaughter]

I really don't see how giving affection and comfort to your partner can be counted as abuse! Ridiculous.

 

[LYN T]

This is madness. Try and have a calm conversation with the Manager and ask her her opinion. My OH and I go to his room everyday, and when we are in the communal area I always hold P's hand-even though he hardly ever responds. The Carers also pat residents hands or put an arm round their shoulders if they need comfort. We are all Human beings who need reassurance and gentle physical contact from each other.

Has a member of your partner's family raised any concerns? Are you classed as next of Kin? If you are next of kin I think you can ask to see his records-I know that I can. Maybe something has been written up which will give you a clue as to what has been happening.

Take care

Lyn T

 

[Phideaux]

Thanks for all the supportive replies and suggestions. It has been upsetting and I was beginning to doubt myself.

I have never done anything that could reasonably be described as abuse- either mental, physical or sexual. I have given him a hug and a kiss in his own room but not in public... we were never into b*****y!

I am 25 years younger than my boyfriend- I wondered if they thought I saw an easy opportunity to sow some wild oats. But he is my soulmate and always has been and most definitely not a quick ****.

I read a recent highly critical inspection report of the home. One item that was mentioned was they must be more active to avoid the possibility of sexual abuse. Whether that was a direct reference to something they had seen or heard about re me or a more general point I dont know.
The 'energy' with which I have been tackled has given me the impression some staff are homophobic.

I am not a Power of attorney or next of kin- that was granted to his siblings, who know me and have never had any sort of a problem with our relationship.
...I suspect there has been financial abuse by one of them taking money they were not entitled to- if ever new clothes are needed it is left up to me to get them out of my own money- but there is another can of worms.

 

[Phideaux]

Am I being unreasonable in wanting to hold my boyfriend's hand?

 

[chris53]

Hello Phideaux, a warm welcome to you to Talking Point you must be feeling very hurt on what is a lovely and loving form of affection, having this questioned is wrong, you are not wrong, neither is your partner,so please ask the care home manager why hand holding is now not allowed anymore please do keep posting here, as you will get much support and understanding
Take care, and best wishes
Chris x

 

[FifiMo]

Hiya,

If your partner's relatives are supportive of your relationship, then I wonder if you could talk to them and get them to help. Maybe they could arrange to visit at the same time as you sometimes as this will demonstrate to the folks at the home that you are all part of a family unit. It may also help if the family support you both in talking with the care home manager as you are not next of kin etc. This might be part of the problem at the home in that you have no legal status with regards to involvement in your partner's care so, they are not giving you any recognition as a couple. I take it you don't have a civil partnership with your partner?

On any level, what the home are doing is wrong. Don't even get me started about human rights and the entitlement to privacy and the right to a family life, be it in a care home or not.

Hang in there and don't give up. Get his family on board and if necessary consider if it is worth your partner moving to a more accepting care home!

Fiona

 

[zeeeb]

That is quite wrong. I know many older people might find it a bit confronting to see two men holding hands, but if he is your partner and you can show him some affection and give him some physical contact, surely that's going to make him feel better instead of worse.

Perhaps at the home they want to force the "gay" out of him because they are scared he might try and make moves on some of the men residents which would obviously cause huge issues if he were to try and hold a mans hand and the man didn't fancy it.

But, you have every right to go and hold his hand and give him a cuddle. Perhaps you need to ask what their stance is, formally and in writing so they have to actually think about what is the appropriate and politically correct answer, and if their answer is homophobic, then you can work on changing that and educating them that it is ok, and that they need to factor in that your partner is gay, and they can't try and just make him forget that because of his alzheimers.

 

[meme]

two men holding hands surely is an uplifting sight and sign that the person is cared for and gaining comfort...this could be from their son/father/friend or partner, the list is endless... I would take issue with any remarks designed to discourage your affection toward your partner...and report them!

 

[Limber]

I find this disturbing to say the least. That care home is flat out wrong! I'm sorry you have been discriminated against I ask for an explanation rather than those silly excuses would take up legal action if it persists. Xx

 

[jaymor]

Hi everyone,

I have come a bit late to this discussion and I am horrified to think that holding hands can be seen as abuse. If this is the case my husband is abused on a daily basis.

My husband is in a nursing home for dementia and challenging behaviour. His carers, both male and female hold his hand. It is a comfort, goodness knows there is very little comfort when you have dementia. I see nothing wrong and am grateful that the carers are so caring.my husband receives 1:1 care 24 hours a day.

When I arrived one day my husband was walking up the corridor holding hands with another residents and their carers were walking behind. The man he was walking with was the one on the floor who was tormented the most by the disease never sat still, never walked slowly and was very anxious. To see him walking slowly up the corridor like anyone else was wonderful to see and I am not ashamed to say there were several tears running down my face by the time they got to me.

The abuse is you not being allowed to sit in his room or to give what little comfort you can by holding his hand. Shame on the home and the staff.

Jay


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