1. Halifa64

    Halifa64 Registered User

    Jul 8, 2015
    I've noticed a number of unresolved threads dealing with this topic. My sense is that, until my wife accepts her condition and recognises the need to address it, we are unable to make use of the many available services - even something as simple as visiting a dementia café or support group - as she has no idea why we would be there. Are there no professionals trained to deal with this situation? She visited the doctor over a year ago for her first (well overdue) cognitive assessment, and a while later an NHS psychiatrist called on us at home for the same purpose. As she became angry on both occasions, neither man was able to state the obvious.
  2. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    Hello Halifa and welcome to TP
    The reason why there are unresolved threads on this topic is that there are no real answers. The problem is not that they are unwilling to adress the issue, or in denial, but that they are unable to understand that there is a problem. no amount of reasoning, persuading, cajoling, therapy etc etc will do any good. It will only (as you have discovered) cause distress. Believe me - if there was any sort of therapy we would all rejoice as it causes so many, many problems.

    The only thing you can do is get her to do things by stealth. You are not going to a "dementia cafe" you are going out to have a cup of coffee. You are not getting carers in for her you are getting helpers in to give you a hand.
    Even this might not work.

    Im posting a link to Compassionate Communication which you might find helpful
  3. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    I remember times like this all too well. My hubby's in care, now, and still believes there's nothing wrong with him. The denial thing seems to be prevalent. No idea what the solution is. It's wrong that denial produces such a lack of help and advice. I could at least have done with some advice as to how to cope with the disease. In the end, it took a load of selected books to give me ideas.

    My hubby would also get angry and upset, or would go on and on after anyone left here as to who it was, why had they been, what were they going to do. The fallout from it all was always tremendous and lasted for hours. If anyone ever finds a solution, that would be awesome.
  4. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    Brixham Devon
    When my late OH was finally diagnosed he was too far into Dementia to understand what was the matter with him. (His scan showed moderate/low severe stage). However, if somebody can't, or won't, accept they are suffering from Dementia then there is nothing anyone can do about it. Please don't labour the point-it could possibly cause a lot of angst.

    My OH went to daycare when he was told he was needed to help as he was once in a choir and the singing teacher needed his expertise. Also he needed to check people's work (ex English Lecturer). At least that got him there. Is there anything you could tap into to get your OH to daycare perhaps? Singing or arts and crafts? As for Carers coming into the house-I have no experience of that but others on here have used the reasoning that if someone does the chores etc that frees up more time for them to do things together. It may work. Others will be along soon to give you some ideas.

    Take care

    Lyn T
  5. Mibs

    Mibs Registered User

    May 26, 2014
    Hi Halifa - welcome to TP. This forum is the nearest you'll get to a support group, don't waste energy and time looking elsewhere. My problem, and maybe yours, was that I was driven to distraction by my husband not accepting, understanding or discussing his dementia, even with the consultant. For years he had suspected and researched dementia, but as the disease inevitably overtook him, he could not comprehend his situation, and started to inhabit the only world he now knows.
    Now it's your turn to step up - forget the 'conversations' with your wife - she is unable to make sense of the concept. You need to take the lead in providing a calm environment, with whatever it takes to make your life bearable and keep your wife safe.
    I'm not saying it's easy, but my advice would be to take your foot off the pedal, relax and try to walk side by side with your wife as her dementia progresses and live your life at her pace.
    Cherish her and take very good care of yourself.
  6. 1mindy

    1mindy Registered User

    Jul 21, 2015
    Here's the thing. The person sitting in front of me looks like the same person I could have conversations with who I could have meaningful discussions with. I in my mind think he should be able to look at his situation and be logical and reason about his future. This is why it is so difficult don't you think k.
  7. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    I go with all the previous posts, my mother would go to the day centre when she thought she was a volunteer there and to be fair she handed out cups of tea and talked to the "old people" there some of who were 20 years younger than her.
    If the issue is denial them then I totally know where you're coming from my wife has never accepted her diagnosis and if any health care professional drops it in the conversation they get a "right gobfull" as we say up north, as is shouts, swears and gets quite ugly about it.
    I think you're dreaming if, as you say "My sense is that, until my wife accepts her condition and recognises the need to address it" she doesn't accept it it's because in her world there really isn't a problem. I would advise you learn to join her in her world than trying to drag her into yours.
    It's all about dealing with the reality of the situation, theirs and yours, trying to confront simply doesn't work (in my view) you have to enter their world as the world you and I live in is a closed book to them.

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