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Parents in the same Care Home or not?

Linbrusco

Registered User
Mar 4, 2013
1,633
Auckland...... New Zealand
Mum 79 in advanced stage of Alzheimers, has been in care for 4 yrs.
2.5yrs in Dementia Care, last 18 mnths in Hospital Care.
Mum no longer walks, talks, feeds herself or can hold a cup, is doubly incontinent.
There is no real recognition of our faces or voices. Sleeps majority of the day or is awake with eyes closed.

Dad 83 diagnosed with Mixed Dementia 2017.
When Mum was in the Dementia Unit, we thought then if Dad ever needed Respite or permanent care, theres no way that we could have in the same place as Mum.
They were like a red rag to a bull to each other. Love/Hate relationship and marriage.

So now that Mums in advanced stage, Respite & full time care for Dad is likely, especially as he now has suspected prostate cancer.
So do we try and get him in where Mum is, but he would be in the Rest Home unit. Hes familiar with the village, the staff and carers could take him to see Mum everyday and some of the routines..... but always a distinct possibility Mum could pass away.....

Dad has never understood Mums Alzheimers, in fact when she is awake and has the odd smile, he thinks shes getting better and coming home soon 😬

or somewhere completely different. ?
 
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Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
2,114
Dorset
A friend’s Mum was in residential care and when his Dad was placed in the same Care home after a fall he caused so much trouble shouting at her and ordering her about that they had to move him to a different home!
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,434
South coast
Im unsure from what you have said whether your dad would be in the same unit as your mum. Would he be likely to meet up with her, or even know that she was there?
 

Linbrusco

Registered User
Mar 4, 2013
1,633
Auckland...... New Zealand
@canary
Mums care home has Rest Home on 1st floor, Hospital on 2nd and Dementia Care on 3rd.
Mum is in Hospital and at this stage they have assesed Dad at Rest Home level as he is not a wanderer, has good mobility, no high health needs, no extreme dementia challenging behaviours. He is still well aware of Mum and visiting her, and even what floor in the lift.

Although I could get Dad in there for Respite, theres no guarantees I can get him in there on a permanent basis when time comes. Just thinking ahead.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,434
South coast
If they can be kept apart with little problem, then I think it would be helpful for the family logistics to have them in the same place and it would be good for the staff because they would already know the family if they are moved around to different units. All of this would ultimately be good for your parents.

It just depends on whether your dad would keep insisting on seeing your mum and whether this would cause problems.

You could at least try and if it doesnt work you may have to move him. Does the home have a waiting list that you could add your dads name to? It wouldnt mean that you had to take the place when his name came up, he could just remain on the waiting list if you think it is too soon.
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
5,871
Chester
Do you think your dad is still the same as ever and would be forever trying to visit your mum if he was in the same home?

I know you have been waiting a long time for the 'crisis' with your dad to arrive, and if you get a chance at Respite I think you need to grab it with both hands.

It might be he would settle in this home and not be too much bother in terms of your mum, so maybe worth a trial with respite.

And then you would know if appropriate for permanent, I think your dad isn't self funding so it is presumably going to depend on others decisions a bit.

As canary says, much easier for visiting if he is in the same home.