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Parent worry

Gail113

New member
Jun 25, 2020
3
0
My Dad has been recently diagnosed with vascular dementia. His condition is currently mild.
Its my Mum I’m worried about. She’s gone to pieces and any support I suggest she rejects because she doesn’t ‘want to be upset’ by hearing how my Dads condition will deteriorate. She is very stressed and crying all the time.
How can I make her see that she needs professional support?
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,802
0
Hello @Gail113 . I suppose your mum needs a bit of time for it to sink in and for her to accept the situation. She will be very worried about the future. I think sometimes people feel almost let down by their partner being diagnosed with something they are scared of. When my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer (different situation, I know) my mother just seemed really angry about it and ignored it completely. I would say give it a bit of time for your mum to adjust, then take things gently. Just let your mum know you are there when she is ready - and, of course, your dad too. I hope that you are ok. It's difficult news for the whole family. There is lots of information available on here, and lots of support and advice too. Don't scare yourself by assuming everything possible connected with vascular dementia will happen to your Dad though. it's different for everyone.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
11,896
0
Yorkshire
hello @Gail113
A warm welcome to DTP

it's not surprising your mum is finding it tough to come to terms with her husband's new diagnosis, it's a shock however much you may all have been expecting such news

maybe give her time, in some ways little has changed in their lives or needs to immediately ... having home care visits may be some time away

might you suggest your mum joins us here

and Admiral Nurses are there to support the carer too

possibly you can begin to look into some things for her, to be prepared when she's ready eg LPAs for both of them, getting wills up to date, .ooking at claiming Attendance Allowance in the future (it is based on need not means tested)

and when the restrictions ease further carers groups may meet again

your mum may be understandably worried about money ... reassure her that she will never need to sell their home to pay for her husband's care ... this may help explain
 

Gail113

New member
Jun 25, 2020
3
0
Hello @Gail113 . I suppose your mum needs a bit of time for it to sink in and for her to accept the situation. She will be very worried about the future. I think sometimes people feel almost let down by their partner being diagnosed with something they are scared of. When my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer (different situation, I know) my mother just seemed really angry about it and ignored it completely. I would say give it a bit of time for your mum to adjust, then take things gently. Just let your mum know you are there when she is ready - and, of course, your dad too. I hope that you are ok. It's difficult news for the whole family. There is lots of information available on here, and lots of support and advice too. Don't scare yourself by assuming everything possible connected with vascular dementia will happen to your Dad though. it's different for everyone.

Thank you. It is a very difficult time but you're right. She needs time to adjust. I’ll keep my eye on her.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
10,932
0
Southampton
my husband was diagnosed with vascular dementia beginning of march. i knew there was something wrong but its still a shock to have the diagnosis.i suppose i was in your mums situation, grieving for the life we envisage and knowing there is no cure. i didnt know how my husband would take it and i needed to support him. i was already focussing on what came after which i have stopped. its feels better to make the most of what we have than thinking what im going to lose. let her do things in her own time. theres no need to worry about day centres carers in home just yet my husband has it mildly as well but we havent got to the stage of day centres etc and this could go on for however long so there is no need to panic. take it day by day and and treasure every moment. react to care needs as they arise
 

Weasell

Registered User
Oct 21, 2019
1,280
0

It may be worth printing this out for your mum, when she is ready.
I wish I had had it in the early days!
 

Gail113

New member
Jun 25, 2020
3
0
Thank you so much everyone. I can’t reply individually as I’m a newbie but all your replies have helped a great deal x
 

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
17,451
0
68
Toronto, Canada
I think I spent the first six months after my mother's diagnosis terrified (but hoping) that she would come back to herself and then tear multiple strips off me for moving her across the country, taking over her finances, etc etc. so yes, your mother needs time.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
6,281
0
Nottinghamshire
Welcome from me too @Gail113

My dad didn’t need help until 2 years after his diagnosis and he had mixed dementia which tends to progress more quickly. He lived on his own and even by this point it was only remembering to take medication that he struggled with. You and your mum have plenty of time to find out what’s available for when it’s needed.