My FIL has had dementia and Alzheimer’s for a couple of years now and even right from the beginning he gets into a state believing we are trying to take his money and his property (a farm) from him. He follows us round talking mainly jibberish but we get the gist about what it is he is meaning. He becomes aggressive and shouting, pushy and jabbing fingers into us. On one occasion he put a knife to me and was jabbing at me. He often walks around on the road outside with a knife or a piece of wood. The thing is my partner struggles to deal with the aggressiveness and shouts back. I often play referee and it’s upsetting. My MIL keeps saying she’s going to get a carer in and get an assessment for his meds but she keeps putting it off. It’s like she’s in denial even though her career herself was as a dementia nurse! Today I snapped and had a go at my MIL for burying her head in the sand and I feel terrible. We’ve tried all the techniques to get him off the subject but he persists all day everyday. I don’t know what to do anymore. Does anyone have any advice?
Paranoia, Delusions and Aggression
- Thread starter Sheprawn
- Start date
Well....you definitely need your FIL to be assessed by Social Services....your MIL should be the one to do that,but as you say,she is in denial.Sooner or later yourFIL may be reported to the police for wandering around with a knife or stick,and then this will set the ball rolling,but you need to sit your MIL down and have a serious word with her and stress the danger of your FIL wandering around with a knife and that he could injure himself and someone else also! It seems yourMIL will be feeling guilty and worried about her husband and so puts off the inevitable.It's a horrible illness but it's one you cannot cope with by yourself,and you are amongst friends here and no doubt you'll receive some good advice here.....Have a word with your MIL and I hope she sees sense.
Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired
The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...
forum.alzheimers.org.uk
This thread has some ideas about how to deal with PWD but the situation with your FIL sounds extremely worrying. PWD can quickly go from aggression to violence with potentially lethal consequences - Is this what you fear with your FIL?
You could let your FIL’s GP know of your concerns? You could also call Social services yourself and tell them you have a serious safeguarding concern regarding your in-laws.
hello @Sheprawn
a warm welcome to DTP
that's a really worrying situation
your FIL may well not mean to actually hurt anyone, but the fact is that he inadvertently might
you can contact their Local Authority Adult Services and let them know exactly what is going on .... tell them that this is a 'safeguarding issue' and that your FIL is a 'vulnerable adult' who is 'at risk of causing harm to others' and that your MIL is a 'vulnerable adult' who is 'at risk of harm' due to her husbands aggression and threats ... those phrases in '' should get the LA's attention and lead to action
make sure whoever is in the property with your FIL has a mobile on them and a room they can escape to, with a lockable door and access to outside (even if through a window)
don't be afraid to call the Police ... they are more used to such situations than is realised ... any incident will then be formally noted ... and they can make a referral to Social Services
also contact their GP and make clear your concerns for both of them ... the GP may not be able to discuss any matters with you, but thay have to note any info given them by family
please don't worry that you are 'going behind their backs' ... this is a serious situation and their safety is most important
sadly the behaviour you describe is not at all uncommon ... some meds may help your FIL settle .... but both of them need support
a warm welcome to DTP
that's a really worrying situation
your FIL may well not mean to actually hurt anyone, but the fact is that he inadvertently might
you can contact their Local Authority Adult Services and let them know exactly what is going on .... tell them that this is a 'safeguarding issue' and that your FIL is a 'vulnerable adult' who is 'at risk of causing harm to others' and that your MIL is a 'vulnerable adult' who is 'at risk of harm' due to her husbands aggression and threats ... those phrases in '' should get the LA's attention and lead to action
make sure whoever is in the property with your FIL has a mobile on them and a room they can escape to, with a lockable door and access to outside (even if through a window)
don't be afraid to call the Police ... they are more used to such situations than is realised ... any incident will then be formally noted ... and they can make a referral to Social Services
also contact their GP and make clear your concerns for both of them ... the GP may not be able to discuss any matters with you, but thay have to note any info given them by family
please don't worry that you are 'going behind their backs' ... this is a serious situation and their safety is most important
sadly the behaviour you describe is not at all uncommon ... some meds may help your FIL settle .... but both of them need support
Thank you all. I wanted to hear that I could take matters into my own hands. My partner knows his mum needs to get him assessed again but he doesn’t want to push her for fear of upsetting her. She has fibromyalgia amongst other health conditions and she is really struggling to even get out of bed. I think some days she just stays there to hide from my FIL. With regards on how to react, I am very good at all the things suggested but my partner isn’t. He takes the insults and false accusations so personally especially if you even knew all of the things he does for his father, it’s so hard to watch and I have to try and calm my FIL down which then just makes it worse. I’m not going to carry on like this though. Things are going to change. Thanks again.
Its sounds like you are in a similar situation to us at the moment, my FIL has Alzheimers and since new year has become increasing, aggressive, confused, agitated and barely has any memory. He questions everything, but every answer is not the one he wants to hear. We have tried loads of the tips, tricks etc. But very few seem to work, he may be confused but he is a clever man and twists everything so that everyone is against him, trying to kill him, hates him, not doing anything for him etc.etc.
We are getting the end of our tether as medication doesn’t seem to be helping. My FIL has also on a couple of occasions got a knife out of the drawer, and threatens to cut his throat, he doesn’t say he is going to use it on anyone else though.
We are concerned that it won’t be too long before he does finally lash out at my MIL, and my biggest worry is that he will be sectioned and then never come home.
Have you spoken to a local mental health nurse or doctor about his behaviour, that may be a start.
x
We are getting the end of our tether as medication doesn’t seem to be helping. My FIL has also on a couple of occasions got a knife out of the drawer, and threatens to cut his throat, he doesn’t say he is going to use it on anyone else though.
We are concerned that it won’t be too long before he does finally lash out at my MIL, and my biggest worry is that he will be sectioned and then never come home.
Have you spoken to a local mental health nurse or doctor about his behaviour, that may be a start.
x
I would second what has been said about calling the police if there is any threat of or actual violence. My barely 5 foot, 7 stone wife started hitting me so much one evening that I rang the emergency number. When the police saw us (I am 6 foot tall and a good 5 stones heavier than my wife) they seemed a little bewildered at being called to attend. But, as one spoke to my wife in the kitchen and the other spoke to me in a different room, they soon grasped the seriousness of the situation.
They helped to calm my wife down and, most importantly, made a referral to social services. This was soon followed up and led on to an assessment of our needs.
A situation in which knives and sticks are being brandished is particularly dangerous. Don't hesitate to act just because Mother in Law is vacillating. Try showing your partner by your example that there are better ways to meet aggression than shouting back.
They helped to calm my wife down and, most importantly, made a referral to social services. This was soon followed up and led on to an assessment of our needs.
A situation in which knives and sticks are being brandished is particularly dangerous. Don't hesitate to act just because Mother in Law is vacillating. Try showing your partner by your example that there are better ways to meet aggression than shouting back.