Hello I feel a bit bad about posting this because mine obviously isn't a difficult situation compared with many and it's a very long post which I've already copped out of putting on once (but I did save it in Word in case!): I've just registered (at work as I don't have access at home). I'm sure I'm in a familiar situation and I'm sorry in advance as I'm going to go on at length I think. My Dad has vascular dementia and is 85. He also has angina and lung cancer in one lung. Mum (who is 80) has been more than amazing and has coped at home for years after Dad was diagnosed, only with morning carers and sitters from social services fairly recently - which was probably my fault as I think I was not really acknowledging the seriousness/difficulty of their situation until she ended up having bad nose bleeds because of the stress. We got in touch with Soc Servs and the local Alz Soc then. We had a couple of abortive attempts at day respite care - so Mum never really had a break - although we all went on holiday together sometimes and I've been visiting most weekends since the nose bleeds happened (I'm about 50 miles away/am an only child with no other close family - married without kids). Anyway, sorry, I'm losing the the thread. For a while recently Dad's mobility has got worse (we had been going out for at least a few hours and having lunch etc. at the weekend up until a couple of months ago) and he has become incontinent - Mum was given some support by the CPN and social services with this but we came to the crunch 4 weeks ago, after Dad had fallen one night the week before when Mum couldn't get him to go to bed so he was up on his own and Mum had to call an ambulance to help lift him up and then I spent the weekend with them and we had to get a wheelchair and twilight nurses in to help get Dad to bed. On the Monday Dad's consultant had him admitted as an emergency to an acute 'ward' (it's got carpet and separate rooms and a TV lounge and dining room so it doesn't feel like a ward in some ways) which deals with elderly people with mental health problems - as Mum and I had both called her because we felt the situation was dangerous for Mum and Dad when no one else was there. It's been very hard to bear for both Mum and I (I think my guilt levels can probably be seen in the length of my explanation), but most for Mum of course - we are a very close family. But Dad thankfully is not visibly distressed (though I'm sure he realizes on some level what's going on and I've tried to explain it's cos Mum can't cope and that we'll always love him and visit him - and part of me screams 'Judas' at myself every time I do this!). We've visited him quite a bit (about twice a week) - tho' I think Mum is still scared of going on her own so hasn't done so yet and I can understand that (I'm scared too of course and veer between that and being desperate to see Dad all the time to check is being looked after OK) - and had some laughs and smiles, but he has got frailer I think and had some knocks where he has fallen. Also Dad was sick and got low on fluids, so was transferred to another hosp nearby for assessment for a day and a bit last week as they thought he might have an ulcer (because of the aspirin he normally takes) and he was very dehydrated. Luckily I was with Mum anyway that day as we were going to meet the social worker, so we could go to see him a couple of times that day and in the evening of the next. I suppose I have gone through all the scenarios everyone does in these situations - part of me just wants to give up work and look after Dad all the time, but I don't think I could do it physically (I'm not sure about mentally, my marriage/own life surviving it, paying the mortgage all that), we'd need at least one other person there the whole time to help lift Dad, if not 2 as my back is a bit dodgy and I suppose truthfully/selfishly I haven't really considered moving to where Mum and Dad live, so the geography wouldn't currently work. (And Mum seems to be feeling that this is the time to accept Dad needs more than we can do at their home, altho' now he's not at home she's not sleeping cos of that instead of becos' of all the worries of him being at home of course ... I hope she can find a way to adjust and that I can help her, I am seeing her every weekend and talking on the phone often, she is at a local Alz Soc lunch today I hope. We went to a concert together not long after Dad had gone into hosp - it was awful not having him there with us, I had tears streaming down my face when they sang one of his favourite duets.) Well if anyone made it to the end - I'm not sure why I've said all that, when what I really wanted to ask for was advice I suppose. I'm finding it hard to get through the emotional turmoil and be practical - we've had one 'team' meeting with the consultant and social worker and OT etc. and one meeting with the social worker about starting to look into finding an EMI nursing home for Dad - as he can't stay where he is long term, but they don't seem to be rushing us too much (and have said they could still support Mum at home if that’s what she wanted) - altho' the consultant did seem to say if an EMI nursing place came up Dad would have to go there in the interim at least wherever it was in the county. I've read quite alot of information, got one of those checklists of questions to ask prospective care homes from soc servs and I know I should read the Continuing Care info' and I have started detailing financial info' and gather we might need to see a financial adviser to find out the best way to sort out finances. We've been more or less told there is only one place which will suit Dad which is near enough for Mum to visit on her own (she doesn’t drive) and I am trying to gear myself up to visit it. Are there any practical tips anyone can give me or are there obvious things I should be doing that I’m not? I don't feel I'm being very accurate in my request ... but any advice/info' is appreciated ... including 'get your a***e in gear' or similar.