My husband went in to respite for 2 weeks to give me a break after caring for him for almost 12 years. I was at breaking point as his behaviour altered dramatically after his medication was changed. I missed him dreadfully even though I was glad of the rest. Within 48 hours of him being back home I was back to square one and my daughters and his family convinced me that he should go back permanently. I felt ill at the thought and have booked him in for just 3 months. After just one week I am missing him so much even though I visit him. I feel as if I have abandoned him. He looks so vulnerable when I see him even though the staff say he is ok. All I really want to do is bring him home and care for him. I am split in half with grief. We have had a wonderful life together with two great daughters and four grandchildren and I know how blessed we are but my heart feels like lead and I cannot stop crying. My daughters say I should not visit so often as it affects me too much. I think of him constantly and imagine him missing me although I have been told that his attention span isn't great. I expect in my logical mind I can see the benefits but my heart is ruling at the moment. Is anyone out there going through a similar situation and if so how are you coping.
Pain of separation
- Thread starter blueviolet
- Start date
Hi Blueviolet
I do know how you feel I visit every day and it is hard.
Unlike you the decision about care wasn't mine, currently my wife's under a section 3 in a secure unit.
It's strange that someone who's been with me for over 40 years isn't there anymore and after all this time I have to come home to an empty house every night.
It is quite heart breaking when I see some of the visitors crying on the way out from a visit probably like me there're going back to an empty house and a ready meal for one.
It's a strange situation they're not there but they're still there at the same time, as long as he's well cared for and happy then he's probably in the best place and if you were at "breaking point" then it might be better for you too.
As I said it's a strange situation moving from one phase of life to the next after so long and as I haven't succeeded in moving on that well myself then all I can say is I understand how you feel and you have my sympathy.
K
I do know how you feel I visit every day and it is hard.
Unlike you the decision about care wasn't mine, currently my wife's under a section 3 in a secure unit.
It's strange that someone who's been with me for over 40 years isn't there anymore and after all this time I have to come home to an empty house every night.
It is quite heart breaking when I see some of the visitors crying on the way out from a visit probably like me there're going back to an empty house and a ready meal for one.
It's a strange situation they're not there but they're still there at the same time, as long as he's well cared for and happy then he's probably in the best place and if you were at "breaking point" then it might be better for you too.
As I said it's a strange situation moving from one phase of life to the next after so long and as I haven't succeeded in moving on that well myself then all I can say is I understand how you feel and you have my sympathy.
K
Hi blueviolet. I know how you are feeling because my situation was very similar to yours. After nearly 50 years together, and looking after my late husband with AD for nearly 12, I just couldn't cope any more. When he was with me, I was exhausted, bone weary, up and down through the night, little sleep, etc, so I thought I'd feel much better when he went to the Care Home.
But I found that, to begin with, I too wanted to bring him home as I missed him so much. After a month or so, I realised I couldn't cope before, so why did I think I could cope now? We can all only do our best, and I know my best might have been better than some, and worse than others, but it was all I had.
Perhaps you could try not going to the Home on a day when you know another family member is visiting? This may or may not work. But after you've been with someone so long, and loved them so much, it is hard. I wish you well xxx
Hi Kevinl and Scarlett123 thank you for responding to my post. A connection with others in the same situation helps a lot. When you have had a loving relationship with someone for 40+ years and you see that person disappearing slowly before your eyes it is heartbreaking. I feel for you both in your circumstances and hope we may all eventually start the long process of acceptance. I wish you both well.
Thank you blueviolet, and, as you say, it's always good to hear from others who are/have been in a similar situation. It is heart breaking, that's true. After a few months in his Care Home, for which I have nothing but praise, John passed peacefully away, and I've come to terms with things now.
It's taken 14 months, but I no longer feel guilty, and I too am at peace, knowing my darling man is no longer suffering in his private hell. And as I frequently say on here, there's no Alzheimer's in Heaven.
xxxHi,
I can identify with what you are going through. My husband went into care in November last year. I visit daily but have had a couple of breaks as I was advised to do.
We were married in 1966 so have had a long marriage which has been wonderful in all respects.
My husband went into respite in August but was so unsettled in the care home he self harmed,, this led to hospitalisation. So he was sectioned and kept there until November.
They did all kinds of twiddling with medication but he was still depressed, felt worthless, unable to see a future and missed me so much.
He did improve after a few weeks in his new care home and his medication was reduced but he is still desperately missing me.
Sometimes he has paranoid spells when the care staff are unable to reassure him all is well. These episodes are always about me, I am either very ill, dead, being robbed by other men etc. This may seem potty to us but to him it's very real.
I miss him so much I quite often cry myself to sleep, and cry on my way home from visits. I cry because I am still not sure he should be in care and keep questioning the advice given my medical staff. Basically he is in care because I couldn't cope. Looking back I just think I didn't react correctly when problems occurred at home. Like you I want to bring him home but I know from our conversations that home to my husband is no longer where we lived, it's our first house when we were first married 49 years ago.
So I know how you feel, sad, guilty, desperate. There are so many others in this boat all thinking the same, but it doesn't get easier, at least not for me.
The only thing we can do is to take one day at a time.
Love from me x
Hello blueviolet, l did send you a PM hope you got it, l have been away for a week, my hubby has not mentioned me, friends and family have been to visit everyday, he has been happy and relaxed, l am now going to visit every other day, as it does upset him when l go everyday. I felt like you before l went away, l have come back home feeling quite different, maybe l am starting to come to terms with the situation we are in. I do hope in time you will feel better.
My heart goes out to you blueviolet and it pains me to think of how my father has been coping being separated from his wife and my mum.
Long story short, he was her carer but had a heart attack last November, which prompted a whole lot of anxiety and stress since. He's back home now after having had a triple-heart bypass, while mum has been in a home. The two have been horribly separated after nearly 40 years together, and my father often expresses how lonely he feels and how quiet the house is.
He really needed the rest before his problem (she was actually due to go into respite for only a week) but now is facing the foreseeable future - or even indefinitely - living alone without her. It makes me feel awful inside, but he's fit enough to be able to visit once or twice a week on his own and we can take him on the weekends.
I want him to be able to get on with his life and have time to himself, despite worrying about how she is. He can no longer look after her and she is being better fed and washed (even though it can be very challenging) where she is now than being at home.
We've just had to accept that this is the way things are now, and smile and get on with things best we can. Of course, talking to people and sharing thoughts and getting things off your chest is important too - which is why Talking Point has been a massive help for me lately!
