Overwhelming guilt...

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Rosserk, Jul 21, 2019.

  1. Rosserk

    Rosserk Registered User

    Jul 9, 2019
    120
    My mother has dementia. She’s been functional until recently. She lives with me and I’m really struggling to cope with her behaviour. If she’s not throwing tantrums and behaving aggressively shes in floods of tears!

    My father also has dementia and he’s in a care home. My mother wants to visit him every day and is insisting I take her. I no longer visit my father because I found it too difficult. He can no longer walk and is double incontinent. He no longer knows who I am so my visits don’t affect him but leave me devastated. I have two autoimmune diseases one of which can cause life threatening complications because it effects my internal organs, specifically kidneys and lungs and is exasperated by stress.

    Every day my mother orders me to take her to see my father when I refuse she gets nasty, aggressive, confrontational and then starts crying and repeats the whole saga over and over again. She simply won’t give in. She has absolutely no quality of life and must be terrible lonely, it’s impossible to engage with her because she always kicks off so everyone is terrified to speak to her.

    I feel incredibly guilty that I can’t cope with it better but I simply can’t. I’ve tried all the tips and tricks it doesn’t help she’s too clever for that. The only thing that would work is if I agreed to go to the care home every day from 2 till 6 and took her anywhere else she wanted to go. It simply isn’t possible to meet her demands! I’m not sure I can cope much longer.
     
  2. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,790
    Female
    Scotland
    I'm not sure you can either. It's amazing and upsetting that you've had this for some time. If she will need support from the LA to go into care then get in touch with them ASAP. If your health collapses then all three of you will need care.

    All my sympathies.
     
  3. Rosserk

    Rosserk Registered User

    Jul 9, 2019
    120
    Thank you, the mental health team came to visit us but they never offered any help. They said she has to wait two weeks for a confirmed diagnosis from a consultant attached to the mental health team and she’s on holiday for two weeks. She also has to have a scan which could take several weeks. They said they are in no doubt that she has dementia but they have to do three tests, a paper test which she failed then a scan then confirmation from a consultant. I can’t afford to pay social services for a care package and don’t have LPA so can’t use her money.
     
  4. Champers

    Champers Registered User

    Jan 3, 2019
    116
    Oh goodness! The more I read on here, the more I realise how many of us are trapped by family duty into this caring role. Several months ago, I was very biddable, passive and respectful of the authorities - now I want to start a rebellion on behalf of everyone on here!

    It sounds like your mother must now also go into residential care. Your priority is your own health and welfare now. As long as you are silent, The System will ignore you and assume you are coping and that’s not right. The family carers of PWD are also victims of the disease themselves. They didn’t choose or deserve to have the burden of responsibility thrust upon them and yet they’re expected to manage. If your mother had a physical illness, you would probably get more support so please emphasise how your own mental health is being affected. And don’t feel guilty - you’ve done a fantastic job so far, well above the call of duty.

    Grrrr! The specialist might be on holiday but surely she isn’t the only one that can do the assessment? I’m really sad and disappointed with the mental health team by the sound of their response. Have you been given or can you get hold of the emergency number of the adult mental services?

    I guess the ideal scenario would be for your mother to be with your father but if he is in the later stages of dementia, he probably won’t be that aware of her presence anyway.

    Remember, to take care of yourself! Xx
     
  5. Rosserk

    Rosserk Registered User

    Jul 9, 2019
    120
    Thank you for your advice. I do feel like I’m being ignored and basically left to get on with it. I don’t know who to contact for help and I can’t see anyway out of the situation I find myself in.

    The problem is that my mother still has lucid moments and during those she begs me not to put her in a care home, which makes me feel incredibly sad and guilty so I vow to carry on. She insists on going to the local shop daily, I can’t physically stop her so I let her go secretly hoping she’ll forget her way back and end up getting picked up and taken to hospital so I can refuse to have her back! I am disgusted with myself but I’m that desperate. I physically can’t go out most days because I feel so ill but she just thinks I’m a lazy cow!
     
  6. nilyram27

    nilyram27 Registered User

    Jul 21, 2019
    16
    Unfortunately I don’t have any insight I’m afraid, but the reply you sent to me, is there any of that that can be applied to your mum? Surely there must be more than once consultant. If this is having a detrimental effect on your own health as well as hers deteriorating, it definitely sounds like it’s time re a care home. Sending hugs x
     

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