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Overwhelmed

ChloeAmia

New member
Oct 27, 2021
1
0
I'm so heart broken. My Dad is living alone and is increasingly isolated and not managing. He's a difficult guy, slightly Aspergic, pessimistic, very particular and finds it hard to express love - he has his own way and I love him for it, but its not easy going. As his Alzheimer's is coming on he is wondering around in the middle of the night, getting his phone stolen, not eating properly, forgetting his pin, getting locked out his flat, getting more paranoid etc. Me and my sister (the only two support people) are worried and unsure how to move forward. He is well aware of his condition but finds it hard to receive help and has repeatedly sabotaged opportunities for support. I wish so much to support him live this out how he wants to, but I can barely get a picture of what that looks like out of him. The last thing I want to do is over power his will, in fact I think that would be the worst thing to do. I feel guilty not living closer. I feel guilty I don't call more. Sometimes I engage deeply, other times I tap out - I'm an emotionally driven person and it's A LOT to feel. I love him so much. It is so hard to watch someone suffer in this intangible and degrading way. To lose their sense of self. Im witnessing and feeling so much pain.
 

nae sporran

Volunteer Host
Oct 29, 2014
9,148
0
Bristol
Hullo and welcome to DTP @ChloeAmia.
That is a hard situation to be in, especially as social services will be reluctant to intervene without your dad's consent. You quite rightly don't want to over power your dad, but I would worry that it may take a crisis to bring things to a head. I am not much help, just wanted to offer support and let you now you are in the right place for advice.
It's always worth talking to the Dementia Connect helpline run by the Alzheimer's Society to discuss your options. They are on 0333 150 3456 and open tomorrow at 9 am. Full details on https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/dementia-connect-support-line.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
12,462
0
Yorkshire
Hello @ChloeAmia
A warm welcome from me too

You must be so worried for your dad, and are so understanding of him

I appreciate you don't want to overwhelm him, I'm concerned though that he is putting himself at risk ... walking in the night and being unable to get back into his flat is dangerous, especially in winter

Please contact his GP to let them know what is happening, especially about the paranoia as there may be meds to help

And Social services ... tell them that your dad is a 'vulnerable adult' who is 'at risk of harm' due to his night walking/theft/locked out and 'at risk of self neglect' as he's not eating properly; that the Local Authority have the ' duty of care' to ensure his care needs are met satisfactorily and that you worry that this is a ' Safeguarding issue' as he is unwittingly putting himself in danger ... The phrases in '' are those that should get their attention

If you haven't already, help your dad to arrange LPAs as these will make it easier for you to support him as time goes by

Keep posting ... folk here are helpful and supportive
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
3,399
0
High Peak
You're at a very difficult stage. You want to help him, want to go along with his wishes, don't want to take away his independence. But as you and your sister are realising, if you continue like this he's going to come to harm. The night-time wandering is a particular red flag. I don't need to tell you the umpteen dangerous /bad things that could happen.

So you need to start overriding his wishes I'm afraid. Would he be self-funding for his care needs? If so, you can just go ahead and arrange carers to come and check on him, make sure he takes meds, do some cleaning, prepare meals, etc. (I don't know what his current needs are.) If you haven't already done so, please get Power of Attorney set up so you can look after his finances. If he has little in the way of assets and would be council funded, you need to get SS to come and do a needs assessment.

But the point is, things can't continue as they are because he clearly needs help/supervision. I'd say he'd be much better off in a care home but if you are going through SS, they will put carers in and allow that help to fail before they will fund a care home. The time comes when you have to look at what the person needs (i.e. to keep them safe and well) rather than go with what they say they want. He has dementia and will never accept that he needs help.