1. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    7,352
    I, like many others on here, am struggling after my recent loss. There are days when it seems that I will never enjoy life again (I had a couple last week).

    I have just bought a book called Overcoming Grief written by Sue Morris. It is endorsed by CRUSE. I though I would share the title in case it will help anyone else.

    As it only arrived yesterday, I haven't read too much yet, but the first part that I have read makes so much sense. As it says, grief is a personal thing and everybody responds in their own way - some want to talk about it, and others don't. It is making me feel normal again.

    I am hoping I will gain some help from it, so that one day I may feel normal again. I bought mine online from Am**on.
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,326
    Kent
    I hope it helps Jan.
     
  3. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,433
    Female
    Dundee
    I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so low Jan. I hope the book helps you. x
     
  4. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    11,597
    West Midlands
    Something that helps you feel "normal" has got to be good for you Jan I'm glad for you that the book is helping you xxxx


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  5. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,968
    Brixham Devon
    #5 LYN T, Jun 29, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 29, 2015
    Thanks Jan. I'm so sorry that you have been having down days-so have I. It's a horrible feeling. My mind is playing really stupid tricks:( For the last few days I had been doubting that Pete ever loved me! We had been together for 10 years before we got married; we were happy. Why did he want to change things? Did he know he was ill and wanted to ensure I cared for him? I've been ruminating over that for some time:( Anyway on Saturday I started to go through the boxes bought down from the loft; I was about to chuck one box and it's contents out as it just looked like some creased wrapping paper. I thought I had better look and there I found all the cards Pete had sent me and the gift tags-I saved them all. What was I thinking of! Of course he loved me-there was the proof. Bits of poetry he wrote me and the wonderful things he said he loved about me. I cried happy and sad tears together. Needless to say they are now in a special box for whenever I have doubts.

    I hope I don't ever doubt the love that Pete felt for me ever again. I'm such an idiot:D:eek:

    Jan thank you for sharing the title of the book you have just bought-my next job is to buy it.

    I hope you find some peace soon and your grief gets to a manageable level.

    I do know how you feel

    Love

    Lyn T XX
     
  6. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    7,352
    Hi Lyn

    I am sorry to hear that you've been having a tough time too recently. Doubts are awful, but at least you have the evidence to prove it. I have kept the cards that Roger gave me over the years.

    What hasn't helped today is that I found my Christmas present list that I wrote to help him when his dementia first became evident. I had written down the items, where to buy them and any other details to help him. He had gone down the list and ticked things as he bought them. He always liked to buy things as a surprise for me, but he couldn't that year. As I said, I didn't know which ones he would buy! (He bought most of them!!!)

    I hope the book helps. I have ordered another one too, but that hasn't come yet. It is called "Courage To Grieve: Creative Living, Recovery and Growth Through Grief". I'll let you know what it's like.

    Wishing you well Lyn. Love Jan x
     
  7. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    22,501
    Female
    Near Southampton
    I'm glad that you are finding help to cope through this book Jan.
    I hope it continues to be a source of inspiration and that the other one will be so too.
    I do agree that we each respond to grief in different ways aand that there is no right way and no wrong way.
    Everyone is different.

    I'm sorry you've been feeling as you have done Lyn.
    We can all be assailed by doubts.
    Mine is always that I didn't do enough and didn't show my love enough.
    Too late for reparation now.
    I hope both you, Lyn and you, Jan find that the bad days become overtaken by, if not good days, then better ones. xxx
     
  8. CCM2013

    CCM2013 Registered User

    Feb 7, 2013
    32
    London
    I truly think guilt and self recriminations are utterly useless emotions and only serve to make you more miserable. If you think about all the hardships and sacrifices you made to make your loved ones life just a little easier or more dignified then who could realistically ask for more. They knew you loved them unconditionally and if they were able to I'm sure they would say thankyou for doing everything you've done and that you have done and did the right thing. None of us have a frame of reference for this cruel disease and just have to do the best we possibly can with love and affection. I only hope that if ever I get this illness I am treated the same way.
    Be kind to yourself :) x


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  9. Soobee

    Soobee Registered User

    Aug 22, 2009
    2,734
    South
    I think we all feel that, but even knowing that we did all we could at the time doesn't stop us feeling guilty or wishing that we had done more. The guilt monster is a very persuasive beast and shouts down logic and reason.
     
  10. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    7,352
    You are so right Soobee. There are times when I wonder whether I handled situations as well as I could have done, and the guilt monster sees that chink. I am currently questioning, did Roger know I loved him!

    I don't for one minute think that reading a book will change my life, but if I can glean one useful point from it, it will help.
     
  11. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    22,501
    Female
    Near Southampton
    I totally agree too Soobee. Logic cannot eliminate guilt.
    I'm not at all sure that Dave did know I loved him. After all, I allowed him to be sent to the nursing home from hospital and wasn't there 24 hours out of 24.
    That's what would matter to him. Dementia knows no logic.
    Even when he was still in hospital, every time I walked through the door at the start of visiting time, every day for months, he thought I'd left him and that was nearly 4 years before he died.

    We just have to live with it.

    I hope the book helps Jan. xxx
     
  12. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    7,352
    That is my guilt too Saffie, that I "allowed" Roger to be taken from hospital to a care home; he was not happy there (the first one), and was always relieved when I turned up. I used to spend nearly all day there for him. I just hope he knew I loved him and hadn't just dumped him. I would never have done that.
     
  13. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,326
    Kent
    I believe everyone experiencing feelings of guilt did the very best they could at the time, with the resources they had, and in their states of mind , stressed out after years of caring.

    It`s so easy to have regrets with hindsight, when we are well rested and not dependent on others for support and provision.

    Guilt need not be a companion of grief.
     
  14. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    7,352
    I agree Sylvia that we did our best at the time, but I wonder with hindsight whether I made the right choices. As you say though, we are rested and less stressed now, so it is very easy to think that I should have carried on. I followed advice from the consultant and other professionals, as at the time I was unable to think straight.

    I have to say that if I wasn't stressing about that, I would be able to find something else. I guess I have so much to be thankful for, I should be focusing on those aspects. :)
     
  15. Mistie

    Mistie Registered User

    Sep 24, 2011
    4
    Logic v guilt........

    My Mum died in a CH and although I was very involved in her care I knew that she wanted to go home. She left home without any planning following a fall, deteriorated rapidly and my father just could not manage her at home. I was working and didn't want to give up and Mum wouldn't have wanted me to. All the logic and practical solutions will never erase the 'please take me home' and I am so so sorry that I was never able to do this for her. Kind folk tell me that she would not have known her home and that she meant her bedroom but she didn't. Even towards the end her plaintive look and grasping grip, panicked at being there without us, leaves me in bits. Everyone thinks I'm coping brilliantly and there's still my Dad to Care for but the feelings just rear up. I'm involved in a number of Dementia initiatives and smile and talk to others but I'm screaming inside and feel so very sad. Maybe better for actually having written it down! Thanks for listening! :)
     
  16. katie1

    katie1 Registered User

    Aug 5, 2014
    122
    Kendal Cumbria
    Grief

    Grief is different for everyone...
    It comes and goes depending on what I am doing, it creeps up and hits me suddenly like a smack in the face or washes over me in waves. Its early days for me and I don't know how I will deal with it or how I will feel next week or next year. I cannot imagine how those affected by the Tunisia terror killings or those of the 7th July London Bombings of ten years ago or the Hillsborough disaster and many many others---deal with their loss which was so sudden so unexpected and so violent. Their grief probably never subsides like mine might one day. My Dad was 85 he had a good productive happy life, he was diagnosed with vascular dementia about 3 year ago and died from a stroke just over two weeks ago, it was expected at some point but it was still a shock but he passed away still being able to do most things independently and knowing who we were, usually calm and content and with a cheeky sense of humour, and for that I am grateful.
    My grief will gradually become easier to cope with .....unlike those I outline above.
     
  17. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    7,352
    As you say Katie, grief is different for everyone. I believe there are different stages of grief too. We all have to work our way through in a way that is best for us.

    I lost my dear husband 12 weeks ago, and miss him terribly. There is not a day goes by when he doesn't fill my mind, but hopefully with time my thoughts will change. I am sorry to read about your dad; it was so recent for you too, but it will, as you say, take time.
     
  18. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,968
    Brixham Devon
    Jan, I'm really, really sorry that you feel as you do. I'm sure that you have been told it's early days for you. In two days time Pete will have been elsewhere for 7 months; I'm sort of getting used to him not being here. I don't like it, and I find it difficult to accept but I no longer want him back in the pitiful state he was in. However, that has been replaced by wanting him back in good health and wanting my old life back.It's difficult to accept this will not happen.

    I think you are younger than I am (56 when Pete died) and Roger was younger than Pete (he was 68 when he died) and I ask why? I probably ask 'why' too often! I know there are people on this forum who care for their spouses who are even younger. I hate feeling bitter-but I do! A couple of months ago I attended the funeral of my friends Mum who died at very nearly 90. No dementia-just tired and ready to go. I sat through the service wishing that Pete had lived another 20 years with no confusion and pain. I'm turning into a monster-I should have been mourning the loss of a lovely lady and thinking of my friends grief over the loss of her dear Mum-but I wasn't.

    Dementia changes all of us -not just the sufferer. I'm not sure I've changed for the better.

    I probably shouldn't have written this-just having a bad day I suppose.

    Love to you-I hope you come to terms with your pain soon.

    Love

    Lyn T XX
     
  19. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    22,501
    Female
    Near Southampton
    I've written so much here to you Jan and Lyn, and none of it is of any help to youat all as you both know how I feel, but I couldn't not respond at all.
    So I'll just say that I'm thinking of you both and hoping that tomorrow will be a better day for you both.
    loads of love xxx
     
  20. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    22,501
    Female
    Near Southampton
    #20 Saffie, Jul 7, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 7, 2015
    Mistie, I understand your feelings completely.
    My husband went from GP surgery with a sore on his foot at 10.30, to hospital ward by 11.45 via home to pack an overnight case and and told he had to have his leg amputated that afternoon. So, within 4 hours, our lives were changed forever as he never came home again, eventually beign transferred to a nursing home after 8 months in hospital. The feelings of having betrayed him will haunt me forever. xxx
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.