out of the blue


Registered User
Aug 25, 2004
Haven't been on here for a while but could do with getting something off my chest.

After a sudden unexpected critical illness my Mum recovered but never to the level she was before so she moved to a nursing home 7 weeks ago.

She settled in fine until out of the blue yesterday evening I got a lucid call from her (not been able to use the phone for 4 months) saying she wanted to leave the nursing home and go back to her flat! It broke my heart as it was the old practical Mum on the phone who hasn't been there for a long time now.

I was so taken a back and agreed to see her this morning. I think she may have forgotten the conversation but if not it will be really difficult.

She's not able to live on her own even with carers but as she has vascular dementia and Alzheimers she varies a lot. She has no so term memory so can't complete a sentence easily, isn't too mobile and incontinent so i know she can't go back.

It made me cry last night. I'm dreading today


Registered User
Jan 31, 2004
near London
You'd think we would welcome the moments of clarity.

And so we would if they meant there was a recovery taking place.

But they don't mean that. They can be welcome glimpses of someone we know well, or as in your case, they can make our emotions run riot.

If she has been unable to have such clarity for months on end, then this instance may be a one off, it may mean her medication has been changed, or it may mean she is having a clear period of days, even weeks.

I'm afraid that where it is not reasonable/safe/possible for them to return to their previous home, then lies are the best option.

Try "the doctor wants you to stay here a bit longer"

"the flat is being decorated"

"they won't let me take you home"

"the flat has been flooded and has to be sorted out"

in other words, anything that takes her mind from going back, for the period of your visit.

Periods of clarity can be dreadful!

Best wishes


Registered User
Oct 23, 2003
West Sussex
Dear Codie, with any luck, as you say, she will have forgotten it again when you visit. If she has, don't mention it. If she does mention it, tell her she needs to recover a bit more, then you will talk to the medical team. Always make these speaking to someone "tomorrow". Then, tomorrow, make it "tomorrow" again. I found this worked with my Mum, because for the moments of clarity, it gave her a reasonable answer, that I would do something tomorrow, too late today. It seemed to settle her for the most part. It really tears at your heartstrings when they have these clear patches. As Brucie says, they are nice to have as the person shines out through the illness for a bit. Trouble is, these moments always seem to have thorns attached that rip you apart don't they. Thinking of you, love She. XX