My husband was out of the house for 5 hours today, came back smelling like a distillery, fell asleep, and wonders why I am upset. He even thought I was our daughter tonight, not his wife of 43 years. We have a meeting at the memory clinic tomorrow. How much more out of control dies a 71 year old with a heart condition whose had TIAs and who is drinking on top of of his meds which include Sertraline? He has frontotemporal dementia and although I know the illness is doing this to him, I can't take the daily torture much longer!
Out of control
- Thread starter Callandergirl
- Start date
Yikes doesn't sound good, has he made you feel unsafe at all when he is drunk?
Has he always been a drinker or is it since his diagnosis? Is he drinking because he wants a temporary escape from what is happening to him?
If you know where he drinks it might be an idea to have a word with the manager to ask that he isn't served. Maybe over-dramatise the possible consequences of his being given alcohol while taking his meds, they will be anxious to avoid someone being taken seriously ill or worse in their pub, or maybe upsetting other customers, more than they will be anxious about lost takings....
If you get a chance ring ahead to the Memory Clinic and ask them to emphasise the dangers of drinking on top of his medication, that way he will think it is them telling him without any suggestion from you. If you can't do that then maybe arrive a bit early, pretend you're just going to the loo and try to get a message to the practitioner you're seeing before you go in.
Has he always been a drinker or is it since his diagnosis? Is he drinking because he wants a temporary escape from what is happening to him?
If you know where he drinks it might be an idea to have a word with the manager to ask that he isn't served. Maybe over-dramatise the possible consequences of his being given alcohol while taking his meds, they will be anxious to avoid someone being taken seriously ill or worse in their pub, or maybe upsetting other customers, more than they will be anxious about lost takings....
If you get a chance ring ahead to the Memory Clinic and ask them to emphasise the dangers of drinking on top of his medication, that way he will think it is them telling him without any suggestion from you. If you can't do that then maybe arrive a bit early, pretend you're just going to the loo and try to get a message to the practitioner you're seeing before you go in.
Thanks for replying Suzanna. No he's only ever been a responsible drinker but in the last 3 weeks he's started doing this every day. All of the doctors and psychiatric nurses have had a go at him but nothing makes any difference. When you ask him why he says he just enjoys the taste and he's not depressed!
So sorry to read your post Callandergirl. This must be so awful for you. Wish I could suggest something to help.
Im sure you know that bingeing on certain foods or alcohol is typical of FTD, but it must be hard - especially when they cant see why you are upset 
Having a go at him is unlikely to help TBH as he probably cant help himself.
Im sorry I cant offer any advice, but Im sending a huge cyber ((((((hug)))))))
Having a go at him is unlikely to help TBH as he probably cant help himself.Im sorry I cant offer any advice, but Im sending a huge cyber ((((((hug)))))))
I suppose you could look on the bright side and console yourself with the thought that, consuming all that liquid, he's very unlikely to get a UTI...
The non-alcoholic beer is a great idea, although that will only help if he drinks at home, is it social interaction he is seeking too by going to the pub? Do you know who he is with when he is drinking, if anyone?
The non-alcoholic beer is a great idea, although that will only help if he drinks at home, is it social interaction he is seeking too by going to the pub? Do you know who he is with when he is drinking, if anyone?
I suppose you could look on the bright side and console yourself with the thought that, consuming all that liquid, he's very unlikely to get a UTI...
The non-alcoholic beer is a great idea, although that will only help if he drinks at home, is it social interaction he is seeking too by going to the pub? Do you know who he is with when he is drinking, if anyone?
Unfortunately he likes malt whisky. I daren't have any in the house and he is drinking in our town and in the town 18 miles away, which he visits on the bus up to 4 return journeys per day!! He has a GPS tracker but sometimes he refuses to take it with him. I' m just waiting for a crisis and to be honest I hope it comes quickly because I'm at the end of a very long lasting tether!!!!!!!
I think him being out and about is the dangerous bit. Once someone with AZ develops a habit it is very hard for them to break it as they don't understand really what they're doing is wrong and why. Whisky is easily water downable it's more to do with the smell than the taste, could you get some Whiskymac or Scotsmac which is whisky but only 15% proof not the usual 40% then water it down with cold tea?
If you can get him to drink in a controlled way at home it might be better than him going out.
Could you ask tomorrow to have some respite care, if he had a week in a home it may break the cycle he's getting into, given what you've said I think intervention from the outside is the best way forward.
"End of your tether", "I can't take the daily torture much longer" and " I' m just waiting for a crisis" all ring a bell with me, it does sometimes all get on top of you, you need help don't come out of the memory clinic tomorrow without them committing to do something to help both you and your husband.
K
If you can get him to drink in a controlled way at home it might be better than him going out.
Could you ask tomorrow to have some respite care, if he had a week in a home it may break the cycle he's getting into, given what you've said I think intervention from the outside is the best way forward.
"End of your tether", "I can't take the daily torture much longer" and " I' m just waiting for a crisis" all ring a bell with me, it does sometimes all get on top of you, you need help don't come out of the memory clinic tomorrow without them committing to do something to help both you and your husband.
K
I really feel for you this disease is the worst thing ever with knobs on. Sorry I can only sympathise I know what you are going through. My O.H thinks plenty fluids on a flight gives him free rein to drink alcohol as much as he can. I am on pins the whole time won,t be able to do it much longer I shouldn't,t think
Oh what a terrible worry for you! My husband thought our daughter was me, at one time, and I know this can be so upsetting. As others have said, perhaps some respite might help break the cycle?
Thank you Kevin, Elizabeth and Scarlett. We had our meeting today at the memory clinic and she gave him another lecture which he'll have forgotten by tonight. I'm going to get some non-alcoholic wine to give it a try. I've also got a week's respite lined up from 14th Sept. but as yet we don't know where oh is going. They claim not to have a secure place in our area and of course the alcohol is now worrying them! I told the doctor this morning that if they don't find a place for him I will take him to A &E and leave him there while I go to Tuscany which I booked 9 months ago, and SS have known about since May when we decided I should go on my own.
As Max Bygraves said "Now, I'm gonna tell you a story".
About 15 years ago, just before Christmas, there was a front page article in all the papers, and on the TV, about a man who'd been left in A & E, in a wheelchair, with a note pinned to his chest. The note read "My name is Jim. I have dementia. My daughter is exhausted and has gone on holiday".Like a lot of people, John and I were very indignant. How could anyone do this! She's swanned off for Christmas, leaving her poor ol' Dad! Absolutely disgusting! The daughter returned in the New Year, to "claim" her Dad, and her husband said that he couldn't bear to see her any more, worn out, without any other help, and he'd insisted they went away for her to get a rest. Hmmm!
Fast forward a couple of years and my husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Fast forward another decade, and not only did I regret my pious opinion of that poor daughter, but would have done the same thing myself, if I hadn't got respite, and then permanent care.
Nobody, but nobody who hasn't cared 24/7 for someone with AD for years, has any idea how hard it is on the carer. And as old friends on here might remember, I was prepared to murder the next person who said to me "but he looks so well!", as if a clean shirt (done by me) and a shaved face (done by me) couldn't possibly belong to someone with Alzheimer's.
On TP, we all understand.
As Max Bygraves said "Now, I'm gonna tell you a story".
Like a lot of people, John and I were very indignant. How could anyone do this! She's swanned off for Christmas, leaving her poor ol' Dad! Absolutely disgusting! The daughter returned in the New Year, to "claim" her Dad, and her husband said that he couldn't bear to see her any more, worn out, without any other help, and he'd insisted they went away for her to get a rest. Hmmm!
Fast forward a couple of years and my husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Fast forward another decade, and not only did I regret my pious opinion of that poor daughter, but would have done the same thing myself, if I hadn't got respite, and then permanent care.
Nobody, but nobody who hasn't cared 24/7 for someone with AD for years, has any idea how hard it is on the carer. And as old friends on here might remember, I was prepared to murder the next person who said to me "but he looks so well!", as if a clean shirt (done by me) and a shaved face (done by me) couldn't possibly belong to someone with Alzheimer's.
On TP, we all understand.
Thank you so much for that Scarlett x
Kevinl, I really like your comment. With my hubby, it was smoking. I didn't worry that he smoked so much as putting us in danger every time he needed to light one up! Outside help is a must if things are getting too hard t deal with. Since hubby has been in care, he's never smoked again. Bit of a drastic solution, I know, but Callandergirl may find outside care might be helpful at this stage. I'd at least try and speak to the doctor and get some advice that way.
As Max Bygraves said "Now, I'm gonna tell you a story".
Like a lot of people, John and I were very indignant. How could anyone do this! She's swanned off for Christmas, leaving her poor ol' Dad! Absolutely disgusting! The daughter returned in the New Year, to "claim" her Dad, and her husband said that he couldn't bear to see her any more, worn out, without any other help, and he'd insisted they went away for her to get a rest. Hmmm!
Fast forward a couple of years and my husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Fast forward another decade, and not only did I regret my pious opinion of that poor daughter, but would have done the same thing myself, if I hadn't got respite, and then permanent care.
Nobody, but nobody who hasn't cared 24/7 for someone with AD for years, has any idea how hard it is on the carer. And as old friends on here might remember, I was prepared to murder the next person who said to me "but he looks so well!", as if a clean shirt (done by me) and a shaved face (done by me) couldn't possibly belong to someone with Alzheimer's.
On TP, we all understand.
Scarlett, thanks for posting this
Amongst all the things I feel bad about one of them was when I phoned SS's and told them I was going to do exactly the same thing. I didn't of course, but I was only desperate because I had no help in the house to change Pete in the morning. So after yet another hard jab by Pete and another sodden pad I made that statement. You would think they would understand wouldn't you-but no! The Team eventually came to the house and as Pete was so out of control he was sectioned again. Then I read in the care notes that a discussion had taken place about appointing a MHA instead of me! Luckily Pete's consultant had got to know me well and said absolutely not. Yes, we do all understand on TP and I feel very, very sorry for Callandergirl. I hope you get your respite-you so deserve it.
Love
Lyn T XX
Well we went to the memory clinic on Tuesday. He had another lecture about drinking which he's ignored every day since. Today when challenged he stomped off saying he was going to take a room for the night. Can't stop him of course. Came home later saying they'd given him back his money because he'd changed his mind. All lies of course because son-in-law checked with both hotels and they hadn't done anything of the kind. Appeared at daughter's house looking for his Mum an dad! Phoned me thinking I was daughter to say I had been obnoxious. Can't wait for 14th when he goes to respite and I go to Tuscany for a week. Maybe I'll just stay there
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Honestly Cal, if he's in any way happy in respite care I'd be inclined to leave him there, It might be best all round, in fact even if he's not happy I'd still leave him there anyway. It might be best all round. I don't say that lightly but the stress he's causing you and the family! Would it be possible fro everyone's good, his included?
K
K
As if things weren't bad enough oh has decided he's not going into respite on Sunday. I fly to Tuscany on Monday. Where do I go from here?
