Our son is getting married

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Everton Annie, Apr 6, 2017.

  1. Everton Annie

    Everton Annie Registered User

    Tomorrow I will be driving to Birmingham ready for my eldest son's wedding on Saturday. My husband, diagnosed with YOD 2 years ago won't be there. He is in respite, in what seems to be, a very caring and welcoming care home. This was one of the hardest decisions I have to make and my heart is broken for my husband who would be so proud to see his son married. I realised that since we are sleeping in separate rooms I could not keep him safe in a hotel and seeing so many friends and family members he didn't recognise would create a stressful experience for everyone. I am so fortunate to have been supported in making this decision by my four wonderful sons and our very large extended family. So why do I feel so guilty and feel as if I have deceived him? Not that he knows who I am, tells anyone who asks that his wife is dead. I know it is the right decision but I feel so sad but am determined my son and future daughter in law will have a great day. Hate this disease so much for robbing us of a husband, father, brother, uncle, grandad and friend. Rant over, thanks TP for giving me safe place to put my feelings.
     
  2. Tara62

    Tara62 Registered User

    Because you are remembering the man he was, and thinking of how much he would have loved the day? You are doing the right thing - the only thing you can do in the circumstances. Please try not to feel guilty. I hope the wedding goes really well, and that you enjoy it.
     
  3. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    12,620
    Female
    England
    The only option you have is for both of you to miss the wedding and that would be awful.

    You go, be part of the day and make memories for yourself.

    It would be madness to put you husband through such an ordeal as it would be for him and nothing gained by doing so.

    Safe journey and best wishes to the bride and groom.
     
  4. HillyBilly

    HillyBilly Registered User

    Dec 21, 2015
    1,947
    Ireland
    You have made the right decision, for all concerned, doesn't make it any easier to bear though does it. I hope that you can find it in you to enjoy the wedding weekend for the both of you x
     
  5. HillyBilly

    HillyBilly Registered User

    Dec 21, 2015
    1,947
    Ireland
    Just a thought - maybe take with you a framed photo of your husband, if you have one, so that it can be placed in a strategic location and maybe it would help you and others think of him as being there in spirit?
    Sorry if this is not an appropriate suggestion x
     
  6. 1mindy

    1mindy Registered User

    Jul 21, 2015
    539
    Female
    Shropshire
    It is hard, but a great day. No guilt required..

    ths was us last September. My husband had been in respite a few times throughout the year but by the time of the wedding was permanently in a home. We had the odd do gooder, could you not organise for him to come for a few hours ? Could my daughter go to the home in her dress ?
    No . This is her day, her father saw her dress when she boughtit she tried it on to show him when he was still at home. He wont remember though.
    This day is about your son and daughter in law, and you will cry every time the thought of your husband comes into your head, at the start of the day. Remember he is not missing anything, he does not know. He will have a day as any other with people caring for him.
    My daughter and I cried before we left for the church, the video shows her weeping so much as she sat waiting for her makeup and hair, it broke me when I saw it as I didn't realise she had done this. Also your son will be missing his dad too, speak to him and give him a hug , he will cry, again it wasnt until I saw the video that I saw how much our son cried, he replaced his father walking his sister down the isle.
    But.. it is a joyous day, its about the people who are there. You are you for today, enjoy every moment, today is not the day for if onlys, they can come another day.
    The weather looks set fair, so it should be a lovely celebration. Enjoy and have fun.
     
  7. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,552
    Ireland
    When my dau got married in 2013, my husband, thankfully, was able to be there. But only because one of his daughters and his favourite grandson came to take care of him for the entire day (and come to the wedding too!). But they had literal charge of him all day. Also, the church she was married in is about five minutes from our house, and the hotel the reception was held, about 20 minutes away, if that. After the church service, while people were milling around, dau had arranged a Vintage Ice Cream cart to serve ice cream, which my husband loved, and kept him happy. While photos were being taken, his dau & grandson were able to take him back to the house for a rest for a couple of hours. Then at the reception, he was sitting with me, and as at that stage, he still loved his food, he was fine during the meal, and he was taken home afterward. There was never a question of him walking dau up the aisle, one of her uncles did. There was no question of him making a speech. I did that.

    It was only possible for him to attend because, as I said, we lived so nearby. Had staying in a hotel been involved, I wouldn't have attempted it. I know how it must break your heart, but sometimes, life is cruel, and these things just have to be faced. Your husband would be in a strange environment, surrounded by a lot of strange people, with a lot of extra activity, a lot of noise, and a lot of sensory stimulation. It would be asking for problems, both for yourself and for him, to bring him into such an environment. Make the most of your son's wedding and toast his dad who can't be there. xx
     
  8. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    7,016
    Suffolk
    One of my memories from our wedding is that of fil trying to get up and go home half way through the meal. Fortunately his full time carer persuaded him to stay!
     
  9. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    7,942
    North East England

    Tara has said all I could have said....x.x.x

    If it helps, I took my late Mum all the way to South Africa for her Grandson's wedding... She sat in the plane on the return journey and asked " why had we been there?"
    I didn't take her back for the second Grandson's wedding later that year.
     
  10. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    Everton Annie, I know it is breaking your heart to be at this wedding without your husband - but the decision was made in hisbest interests, so please give the Guilt Monster a poke in the eye with a sharp stick! The man he was would not have wanted you to be unhappy on such a special day.

    The forecast is good so I hope everything goes well and your son and his bride have a wonderful day.
     
  11. Everton Annie

    Everton Annie Registered User

    Thank you all for your supportive comments. The sun shone beautifully yesterday and we celebrated my eldest son's wedding. It was tinged with sadness but I was so well supported by my sons and their wives and our large extended family. I would definitely not have enjoyed the day as much with my husband there as I would have been so stressed in making sure he was ok to say nothing of his possible negative comments. I hope everyone is making the most of this lovely weather x
     
  12. Chemmy

    Chemmy Registered User

    Nov 7, 2011
    7,592
    Yorkshire
    So pleased for you that it all went well. Please don't feel a moments guilt for enjoying such a special day. :)
     
  13. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    12,620
    Female
    England
    So glad you enjoyed your day. Support from your family made it as good as it could be.

    The sun shone for you, you have wonderful memories and best of all the groom had his Mother to witness his special day. Well done.
     
  14. tigerlady

    tigerlady Registered User

    Nov 29, 2015
    427
    So pleased the day went well. I too had to attend my husbands son's wedding without him. I wasnt sure I would even get an invite, as although I am on very good terms with his son, I didnt think he'd want me there without his father, but he did and it was a lovely day but I had a few tears at the lovely tribute he paid to his father. I told my husband about the wedding without saying I'd gone, but it made no sense to him, as he doesnt know his son now, and sometimes doesnt know me. As this was his son's second marriage, due to his first wife dying, at least he had the experience of the first one, which produced a lovely grandson he was able to enjoy before his dementia got too bad.

    I'm glad you were able to enjoy the day, hopefully without any feelings of guilt - you did the right thing
     
  15. Tara62

    Tara62 Registered User

    I'm so pleased it went well for you, Annie.
     
  16. Everton Annie

    Everton Annie Registered User

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