Hi there, I’m brand new to this forum and I’m hoping I might be able to pick up some guidance about my mum in law who we believe may be in the early to middle stages of dementia.
My mum in law is 82 and my wife and I have been concerned about her memory for a few years now. She has been living independently but was starting to get a bit repetitive in conversation, and we wrote to her GP 3 years ago (and again about a year ago) expressing these concerns. On both occasions he replied telling us that he would invite her for an appointment but could not share any details with us for reasons of confidentiality.
Fast forward to February 2021 and she had a fall at home and fractured one of the vertebrae in her neck. She was in hospital for a week and was delirious throughout – when we spoke to her in hospital she thought she was at the pub / hairdressers / out with long since deceased friends. At one point she demanded to go home (with no recognition of the seriousness of her neck injury) and as a result was placed under a deprivation of liberty order. That is what we were told by the hospital anyway, although we’ve never seen any paperwork that confirms this.
The level of delirium was such that this raised alarm bells at the hospital and has triggered a process to determine whether she has dementia, and we have an assessment with an NHS “Memory Team” next week.
After a week in hospital she was allowed to go home, 2 live in carers were provided for about a fortnight and when they were considered no longer required she has now moved in with us. She is now very repetitive and often gets our names wrong, and would never remember her medication if we didn’t give it to her. She has no recollection of being in hospital, having the live in carers or any sense of how long she’s been living with us (about 8 weeks now). Physically though she is in good shape, and doesn’t have any issues with personal hygiene, going to the toilet or anything like that.
The challenge we are having is where we go next with this. The last few weeks with us have demonstrated that my mum in law is unlikely to be able to live independently again. We have talked to her about the memory problems / repetition but she is either unaware of them or unwilling to talk about it. She will just shut down and then next day have no recollection of the conversation anyway.
She wants to go home and we have tried to talk to her about getting carers in, either part time or full time to help her. She has point blank refused this, but at the same time we don’t feel she needs to be in a care home for people with more advanced dementia. At times she can be lucid and we can have good conversations with her, especially when she’s recalling things that happened earlier in her life. Equally we don’t think living with us is a great long-term solution, we have a young son with learning difficulties and are already coping with a lot.
As mentioned earlier we believe a deprivation of liberty order is in place and we know there is no power of attorney set up. After the memory team assessment next week we are hoping they will advise us whether she can still live at home (with appropriate support) or whether they think she needs to be in a care home. She is adamant that she needs neither and we don’t know whether we have any say in the matter at this stage.
We have no real understanding of her finances in terms of money to pay for care, however we suspect she wouldn’t be entitled to much from the state as her house alone would probably sell for £400k. But if she refuses either care option (help at home or care home) then where do we stand?
We would be grateful if anyone could provide us with some guidance / insights based on their own experiences as this is not something we have any experience of and don’t really know what to do or who to go to for help!
My mum in law is 82 and my wife and I have been concerned about her memory for a few years now. She has been living independently but was starting to get a bit repetitive in conversation, and we wrote to her GP 3 years ago (and again about a year ago) expressing these concerns. On both occasions he replied telling us that he would invite her for an appointment but could not share any details with us for reasons of confidentiality.
Fast forward to February 2021 and she had a fall at home and fractured one of the vertebrae in her neck. She was in hospital for a week and was delirious throughout – when we spoke to her in hospital she thought she was at the pub / hairdressers / out with long since deceased friends. At one point she demanded to go home (with no recognition of the seriousness of her neck injury) and as a result was placed under a deprivation of liberty order. That is what we were told by the hospital anyway, although we’ve never seen any paperwork that confirms this.
The level of delirium was such that this raised alarm bells at the hospital and has triggered a process to determine whether she has dementia, and we have an assessment with an NHS “Memory Team” next week.
After a week in hospital she was allowed to go home, 2 live in carers were provided for about a fortnight and when they were considered no longer required she has now moved in with us. She is now very repetitive and often gets our names wrong, and would never remember her medication if we didn’t give it to her. She has no recollection of being in hospital, having the live in carers or any sense of how long she’s been living with us (about 8 weeks now). Physically though she is in good shape, and doesn’t have any issues with personal hygiene, going to the toilet or anything like that.
The challenge we are having is where we go next with this. The last few weeks with us have demonstrated that my mum in law is unlikely to be able to live independently again. We have talked to her about the memory problems / repetition but she is either unaware of them or unwilling to talk about it. She will just shut down and then next day have no recollection of the conversation anyway.
She wants to go home and we have tried to talk to her about getting carers in, either part time or full time to help her. She has point blank refused this, but at the same time we don’t feel she needs to be in a care home for people with more advanced dementia. At times she can be lucid and we can have good conversations with her, especially when she’s recalling things that happened earlier in her life. Equally we don’t think living with us is a great long-term solution, we have a young son with learning difficulties and are already coping with a lot.
As mentioned earlier we believe a deprivation of liberty order is in place and we know there is no power of attorney set up. After the memory team assessment next week we are hoping they will advise us whether she can still live at home (with appropriate support) or whether they think she needs to be in a care home. She is adamant that she needs neither and we don’t know whether we have any say in the matter at this stage.
We have no real understanding of her finances in terms of money to pay for care, however we suspect she wouldn’t be entitled to much from the state as her house alone would probably sell for £400k. But if she refuses either care option (help at home or care home) then where do we stand?
We would be grateful if anyone could provide us with some guidance / insights based on their own experiences as this is not something we have any experience of and don’t really know what to do or who to go to for help!
