1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. taylorcat

    taylorcat Registered User

    Jun 18, 2006
    171
    W.Scotland
    As you know my Mum is still in hospital waiting to be moved to an upper floor for long term care.

    She has been in hospital for 3 months now and Dad is going up every day around 3pm, getting a taxi over to my house for dinner around 5pm. I take him back up around 6.30pm and then pick him up again around 8pm. Even on the days he's having blood transfusions (i.e. he was in overnight last night and never slept a wink) he has the same routine.

    Does anyone have any opinions on this, should he going every day and night? I know it's up to him and everyone is different but the travelling back and forth is beginning to tell on me, let alone him, and I can't just leave him to get taxis all the time.
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,718
    Kent
    Dear Taylorcat,

    Is your mother aware that your father visits everyday. Are his visits important to her? If so, I imagine it would be difficult for him to stop visiting.

    But if your mother is unaware of time, if she wouldn`t realize if he missed a day, perhaps you could have a chat to your father about your concern for his health, and suggest he cuts down on his visits until he is a bit stronger.

    I understand how he must feel, but I can see it from your point of view too.

    Take care xx
     
  3. taylorcat

    taylorcat Registered User

    Jun 18, 2006
    171
    W.Scotland
    Thanks Sylvia. Mum still knows who Dad and I are but we can't make out anything she says.

    Even it was only every day or every night but it's every day and every night. Sometimes he says he won't be coming to me for dinner and is there from 3pm until after 8pm.

    The problem is he won't feel any stronger. He's only alright after the blood transfusion and then gradually goes dowhill until the next one is due which is usually around 10-14 days.

    I've tried to speak to him about his health but he won't listen. I just feel I have no option but to take him back and forward because if I didn't he wouldn't stop going, he would just get buses or taxis.
     
  4. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Taylorcat

    I don't know the answer to that one, I'm afraid. I understand how you feel. I visit my husband every afternoon in hospital, and sometimes go back in the evening if his son isn't going in. John has lost all language, so we haven't any conversation. I tend to stay only for an hour at a time, unless it's a good day and John is in a good mood, and we can walk the length of the ward together.

    But it's my decision how long I spend, and your dad obviously needs to be with your mum as much as possible, even at the risk to his own health.

    Would it work if you said you'd like to spend some time alone with your mum, and would like to take over evening visiting? You could then drive your dad home after tea and pop in to the hospital for a brief visit.

    It would certainly help if you could persuade him, I know I feel very tired if I've been in twice. Perhaps he'd do it if he felt it was important to you.

    Love,
     
  5. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi Taylorcat

    A difficult one!

    As a husband of someone with dementia who lives in a care home, for the first several years I visited my wife every day, occasionally twice a day. Had I lived closer than 25 miles away, I might have gone more often.

    People told me it was not necessary to visit that often, but it was - for me, if not for my wife. I knew there would come a time when she would not realise I was going, or at least not know who I was when she saw me, so I wanted to ensure we eked out as much time together as was humanly possible.

    Six years on, the visits are down to every other day, because I have moved house and am now 50 miles away. Sometimes, such as this week when my back gave out on me, I don't visit for 3-4 days, though every 2 days is the norm.

    That's all fine. I do what I feel I want and need to do.

    Now for the Big However

    I am the only one involved in visiting. I get myself there and back each time.

    If someone else needed to drive me - whether or not to save my getting public transport - then I would have to be thinking about it. The situation is not fair to you with the frequency of visiting, and the effect it has on your daily life.

    So how to try to change things.....

    Well, you have tried suggesting that his health may be at risk and that has not worked, but perhaps you have been approaching that good point from the wrong angle?

    Have you told him the effects of his health failing as far as your Mum would be concerned?

    That she would most likely prefer to see him regularly but with less daily frequency? If he were to become ill because of the visiting, she might not see him for days, or even weeks?

    That he can give her a better quality of his time in a smaller number of visits each day, if he is not so weakened by the travelling etc?

    That he needs to think of the long term and his ability to continue to support her?

    I don't envy your challenge, but if he doesn't think of you, then he should be thinking about Mum and the fact that dementia is a long term business.
     
  6. taylorcat

    taylorcat Registered User

    Jun 18, 2006
    171
    W.Scotland
    Thank you all once again for your replies. I feel quite guilty now since the hospital is only 15 minutes drive away but tonight for instance I left home around 7.45pm to collect Dad at 8pm. When I get there he stalls and stalls and by the time I get him out and home and me back home it's nearly 9pm. Maybe I'm moaning for nothing it's just getting a bit much happening every day and night.
     
  7. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    It sounds as if it's too much for both of you, taylorcat. You're going to have to have a quiet word with your dad, before you get too stressed and it ends up in an argument.

    I'm not criticising, I know how stressful it is. Please try to reach a compromise.:)

    Love,
     
  8. taylorcat

    taylorcat Registered User

    Jun 18, 2006
    171
    W.Scotland
    Thanks, Hazel, criticism I can take I just wanted to know if I was being unreasonable.

    Brucie, I'm not sure any of these things will work with Dad. Don't get me wrong he doesn't expect me to do it every night, he usually says he'll get a taxi but I can't let him do that, I just feel guilty.

    I think what I might do is wait until Mum moves to the long term place on the 4th floor and see what his plans are then.

    Thanks, again.
     
  9. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    You may be quite correct, but it is always worth trying pretty much any idea really. One never knows when one will hit the mark.

    Now I'll suggest an additional thing that will sound a trifle hard. Sometimes there has to be that kind of advice.

    Leave him to it.

    Let him do all the visiting alone for a few days. You can always step in if you feel the need.

    This won't help you a lot immediately because instead of driving him, you will be fretting and feeling guilty - I know because this was how I felt when I took my Jan to a Day Centre and left her there. Once, because we were banned anyway after that.

    However, imagine if you came down with 'flu and couldn't drive him for that reason for a few days. He would have to manage then. :)

    You are not moaning.
     
  10. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    I think Bruce has made a good point, Taylorcat. I know how exhausting the continual visiting is, even when you are just providing the transport. Also, it is at a time of day when you are already weary from the day's events so it feels doubly difficult.

    If you do not feel you could cut it out entirely, perhaps you could propose a compromise. . . .? Such as offering to take him on Tuesdays and Fridays??

    You could suggest that he just visits during the day on other days, but as you've said it may not work for your Dad. In that case, I think you will need to follow Bruce's good suggestion and let him do it on his own. No doubt you WILL feel guilty, but he may soon come to realise that it isn't necessary (or even possible) to keep up this level of visiting without becoming ill himself.

    Could you play the "sympathy" card with him? As in: "I don't want my Dad to be sick as well as my Mum". . . . ??? Only you know what will (and won't) work for your Dad and for you.

    Every best wish for a speedy resolution.
     
  11. Bristolbelle

    Bristolbelle Registered User

    Aug 18, 2006
    1,847
    Bristol
    Taylorcat

    sometimes I don't think the visitor realises how exhausting it is to be visited this often! Being an inpatient is hardly an easy life up early with the tea trolly, having to put up with ward rounds and other disturbances etc, visitors and trying to be positive and not make them fret ( and I'm sure in their lucid moments AD patients think things like this). It can all be very wearing, it;s possible that even your Mum would appreciate it if he didn't visit so often. When my dad was ill mum did the same thing going in at 3 and coming home after 8 we were all exhausted and that only lasted a few weeks, Dad kept telling her not to go in so often, but of course she was already in the early stages of AD and had her own agenda. Maybe if you told your dad you think your Mum looks tired, and suggest he cut down the visits just a tiny bit, for example two evenings a week to start with? Then you can say how mush brighter they both look and perhaps one shorter visit a day would be better for everyone? Goodluck hope something works out for you
     
  12. taylorcat

    taylorcat Registered User

    Jun 18, 2006
    171
    W.Scotland
    Thanks once again all.

    The problem is Dad has got it into his head that if he doesn't sit and give her something to eat then she doesn't eat. As he says if she refuses the staff don't persevere whereas he does. Not too sure if this is totally true.

    Also yesterday I couldn't believe it, when I went up to collect him at 8 I asked him if Mum had slept today and he said "yes she had a yoghurt" at lunchtime and then fell asleep until 6pm. I asked him what he was doing and he said just sitting there, talking to the other people in the ward. My first thought was maybe it's for company but I have a son with special needs who was the light of his life and has now been completely cut out of his life who would love his company. I just don't get it.

    I would really like to speak to someone professional about him as I really, really don't think this is normal behaviour.

    I thought about phoning the CPN who used to come to see Mum and Dad when she was at home. Don't really know what to do.

    I don't think letting him get taxis would work as I couldn't cope with the guilt. I come home from picking him up and rant and rave for half an hour then I'm alright until next time.
     
  13. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    3,725
    North Derbyshire
    Eh, Taylorcat, I was just reading through the posts tonight and picking out some I might have something to contribute to, as my own problem is sort of sorted (till next week), I somehow just felt for you. I am only 15 minutes from my mum, too. It isn't the distance or the time that gets to me, it's the fact that you have to do it EVERY DAY, and I just feel sometimes that I want a day when I don't have to go.

    I think we beat ourselves up too much about visiting people. My husband's mum was in a hospital 40 miles away and expected him to visit every day, and he didn't have the will to refuse, so he did it. He was exhausted after a full day at work, and then an 80-mile round trip and eating his main meal at 10 p.m. That was for about 3 months. And following that she had a stroke, and he was picking up our daughter from Uni in Bristol at the end of her summer term, when his mum passed away. So the most important visit was never made. Can't do anything about it, I know.

    When my dad was in a hospice, 40 miles away, mum wanted to go every day, and I took her. We stayed for two hours, her choice. By the time we had picked her up and delivered her home, it was 5 hours out of the day, and I was in full-time work as well. Sadly dad died within a fortnight of admittance, but I couldn't have kept that up for much longer.

    I don't know the answer. But I do think that visiting every day is not right or necessary unless (a) you want to and (b) it is close by.

    Thing is, if it gets to be too much of a burden, it won't benefit anyone. Think about reducing visits to 3 a week. If your dad wants to take a taxi then see how it pans out. If you find he is doing that every day you are not able to take him, you can have a rething. If you find he only does it once a week, well that is diferent again.

    I hope you find a solution without feeling guilty. We all do the guilt bit. Look after yourself as well, your are just as impotant.

    Love

    Margaret
     
  14. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Dear taylorcat, I sympathise with the situation and can see your concerns about your dad's health and also, how it would be taking it's toll on you. I don't know if your dad's behaviour would be classed as "NORMAL" but, be reassured as I have known personally three elderly people who have done the same thing only on their own steam.( I know your dad would also) I think what happens is that they know the ward situations and how the staff are not always available at the time when something is needed, so by them been there, they feel secure in knowing that they are at hand to help or to see that they do get the help. Maybe, when your mum moves it will be structured differently and your dad may not feel the need to go as often. I can feel your sadness over your son and understand what your saying, but, I can also see that your dad needs to know your mum is OK and this is his way and something he needs to do. I am sorry you have all this worry. Take Care. Taffy.
     
  15. nicetotalk

    nicetotalk Registered User

    Sep 22, 2006
    155
    stretford
    Hi All

    my dad looked after my mum for the 8 years she had alzhimers, only after 4 years did he get a brake when she went in to respite every month for a week. He could not bare her going in to respite but he did need the brake so much so he had a heartattak when she was in respite, He was ok but you can not tell anyone how much they should or should not be visiting aloved one. He nursed her for the 8 years she had this terrible illness and even though she passed away last year in march i see him now when we go and visit at the cemetry it still brakes his heart. I dont think it is a point of somone saying if she does not remember you comeing to visit then dont go as often would you say that if it was your child no. A mothers love a fatheres love a childs love so on and so on its up to the individual. I look back now and if i knew my mum would not be here at the age of 62 well i just wished i would of visited her more but thats life you can never tell when a loved one will leave you. Although i did go and visit reguarly if i knew her time would of been up when it was i would of been there everyday. But i know in reality no one does realy know.

    take care all kathy
    #
     
  16. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    3,725
    North Derbyshire
    I think we all have to just do our best, without guilt. There are some on this site who visit their loved ones every day, thoroughly enjoy it, want to do so, there are some who live so far away they only visit once a month or maybe once a year. Then there are the rest of us, of which I am one. Much depends on how much you enjoy your visits to your loved one. I don't enjoy mine at all, so mine are twice a week, sometimes three times, sometimes once. I could, phsycially, visit most days. But I do have a fulltime job, and just can't manage it physically. I haven't been for a week, but mum told my daughter I hadn't been for a fortnight. Not true.

    Visiting every day must be hard on anyone, unless they want to. No-one can tell anyone how often to visit. Every situation is unique, every relationship is unique, every week is unique.

    Well, that is all I can say. Hope it helps someone.

    Regards

    Margaret
     

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