1. Michael E

    Michael E Registered User

    Apr 14, 2005
    619
    Male
    Ronda Spain
    I had an horrendous day yesterday- 'Joining' something and Monique did not mix...
    She became angry, abusive and violent - screaming and shouting in the street, hysterical - so so upset - almost unimaginable. This was as I was taking her home from this local AD 'meeting place' for sufferers.

    It was supposed to be 10.00 to 17.00 - I got her there just after 10.00 - all OK - fairly calm - not thrilled - but sort of OK - I thought- I stayed around for half an hour - three quarters till the 'professional - semi professional' carers said to me quietly, when she went to the loo, for me to leave shortly after Monique sat down again - so she came back, sat down - I said I was off for a short while but would be back to get her shortly.. I could tell she was not impressed by any of it but the carers said that was normal

    Got a call to collect her at 15.00 and a young male carer warned me to be careful - and she was indeed in a pretty violent state of anger - and taking her home was a pretty awful experience. she was a bit violent but even Monique can see I am a lot bigger than her so she would be foolish to take me on!!!

    Emotionally it was all a ****** - an English friend, Louise, came round and helped comfort Monique and I stuffed some extra Dexorat into her and things got better... ish.
    Eventually got her to eat - she had refused all food at the 'meeting' and then got her dinner and then through the abuse I started to get angry with her and told her to go to bed and leave me alone...

    So not a happy state of affairs - usual guilt etc.. but worst of all it looks as if I can never get any respite at all except when I pay people to come in and Monique sit! maybe that is the way forward.. Will take her to the Doctor who needs to be visited after her hospital adventure and see if he can talk some sense into her.

    Horrid mixture of a very frightening experience for Monique combined I think with a tantrum and a disappointing experience for me which left me emotionally a bit drained.

    Hey ho... Another day another challenge ... really would be interested to know if others have had a similar problem and if so what short term solution they found - if any. Although I can see that Monique was frightened, insulted and probably a few more emotions at being at this 'meeting' with comparatively strange people - she had in fact met two of the carers before when they came to our house to interview Monique before assigning her a place, I am of the opinion there is a degree of 'tantrum' going on but of course for the person having the tantrum (odd word) it becomes so emotionally charged it all becomes a reality...
    really would be grateful for any feedback - advice.
    Michael
     
  2. Stimpfig

    Stimpfig Registered User

    Oct 15, 2005
    135
    Germany/India
    #2 Stimpfig, Jan 12, 2006
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2006
    Hi Michael

    I think that staying away from her familiar surroundings and without you for so many hours was just too long for a start. Just as a baby needs to be weaned gradually or just as a child might need to be accompanied to school the first few days, an AD patient needs constant reassurance when in a new and totally unfamiliar situation. Speaking from my own experience, I sat with my mum the first couple of times with the group. It isn't a day care centre; just a little 'get together' for 3 hours for AD patients. However, after two hours, mum does get restless until, at the sight of me, she calms down, rather magically. I think, to begin with, Monique should go only for an hour or two, not more. Gradually, she might want to go on her own or once there, stay longer.

    My mum is again showing signs of agitation and after having broken the door, ripped some cushions, destroyed some pictures, I am always apprehensive of what might come next. Only the day before, she had opened a hard-to-open closet door which houses all the electrical mains but also serves as a storage for cleaning implements and materials. I was away for my usual 2.5 hours when she had got all that stuff out scattered everywhere. I kept my cool for 5 minutes, thought of TP members, but nothing helped. I had to blow up to ged rid of the 'disequilibrium`' in my system. Then later, I did ask her gently why she had done so to which she replied that her grandfather and her husband had been stuck in that 'hole' and it was so necessary to rescue them. Well, I did compensate for my bad temper and held mum close for a long while thereafter.

    Perhaps you should ask Monique the reason for her fears/agitation/aggression in a gentle, sort of indirect way to elicit what's going on in her mind. Could she be hallucinating ? Is her perception distorted? What's her interpretation of the events around her? This would give you an idea into how you should tackle it next time. In my mum's case, the underlying problem is deep feelings of insecurity and fear which is what I need to tackle to get her to do something.

    Just an afterthought: Mum was so reluctant to visit the group. I remember telling her that actually I wanted to go to the 'party' and it would be so nice if she could accompany me as I hate going alone ! That's how she came the first time.

    I hope this helps !


    warm regards
     
  3. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    I really don't like the tantrum idea at all - it has been mentioned several times in various posts. The definition is "a fit of bad temper". No, not that at all.

    At this stage, these people are scared to death about what is happening to them. Their world is closing in on them. Things that were once familiar are that no longer. They become clingy. But most of all they are scared.

    Which poses a major problem if they are cared for at home, because the carer needs space. Gaining space with a clingy partner is not easy.

    I never managed it. I tried the day centre route, but Jan was slung out for being disruptive. In the end I just gritted my teeth and ran myself ragged trying to care 24/7.
    remember... it is the dementia causing the problem, it is not of Monique's making
    Oh Michael, I know you are getting desperate here, but you just can't talk sense to them. Their sense is no longer our sense. Reasoning is not practical.

    If you can get someone in to sit with her to get you a break, that might work. I just never managed to find anyone.

    You are, as you will appreciate, in a very difficult period. Medication may help. A respite care home may help - if you can find one that can cope with someone at Monique's stage.

    Review your life at present. At some stage Monique will no longer be with you. Wring the most you possibly can out of everything you do together, even the hard times. In future you may look back and wish you were where you are today, however bad it is.

    Sorry not to be more positive, but the stage is an awful one.

    P.S. congratulations on your absolutely correct English as per
    Few people in the UK [least of all the BBC]have correct English usage these days, though I guess the French connection helps. Americans also seem to speak better English than the locals... perhaps a bit of a sweeping generalisation.....
     
  4. angela.robinson

    angela.robinson Registered User

    Dec 27, 2004
    520
    HI MICHAEL, YOU ARE AT A VERY DIFFICULT STAGE ,,YOU SHOULD TRY THE SOFTLY SOFTLY APROACH. I MADE THE MISTAKE OF GETTING JIM TO A DAY CENTRE THE FIRST TIME ,AND LEFT HIM THE FULL4 HRS ,I COULD NOT EXPLAIN WHY HE WAS GOING ,AS HE WOULD NOT HAVE GONE ,AND FOR THIS I STILL FEEL MUCH GUILT ,THE SECOND TIME THEY SENT FOR ME AFTER 2 HRS ,AS HE WAS SO DISTRESSED, THE THIRD TIME I WAS CALLED BACK WITHIN 15 MIN,AS THIS GENTLE MAN WAS SMASHING THE PLACE UP ,THEY SAID THEY COULD NOT MANAGE HIM AGAIN ,AS IT WAS NOT FAIR ON OTHERS ,.THIS WAS TRUE ,BUT THIS WAS A DAY CENTRE ATTATCHED TO THE PSYCHIATRIC WARD ,SO THERE WAS NOWHERE MORE ABLE TO COPE , THIS WAS THE END OF ANY HELP I HAD UNTILL I WAS FORCED TO USE RESPITE ,WICH WAS MORE TRAUMATIC FOR BOTH OF US ,.so i should try again even if it means staying with her the first few times then leaving her for much shorter periods ,if it works it will be worth the time taken ,if not you have my sympathy.ANGELA
     
  5. inmyname

    inmyname Guest

    Thats exactly the kind of reaction we experienced from my Mother who is only in early AD ........she stayed with self and sister over Xmas

    Was taken home ensured place was warm , food in fridge etc ( she is only going out of her house in a box ...remember ) and 2 hours later she is on the phone screaming abuse claiming she had been dumped in a strange house while she was asleep

    Its all very well to say its the AD talking but for relatives and carers its a total nightmare
     
  6. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Nevertheless, it happens to be true; it is the dementia.

    I might add that it might also just be a tad more of a nightmare for carers who are involved in the caring 24/7, and have been so for over a decade, of which there are many.

    There are several points:

    1. it does no good to shout at people who will not understand why one is shouting. It does no good either for the person who is shouting, except as a momentary letting off of steam. [which may be necessary for their own sanity, but it may confuse the other person even more]. also, later, one usually feels guilty after the heat of the moment.

    2. it does no good to reason with people who are past the point of seeing reason and acting accordingly.

    3. there will be a stage when almost anywhere including home, will not be home. This is made worse when taking the person away from the place with which they are familiar, though it will happen there sometime anyway. The same goes for familiar faces as for places.

    We can only do what we think best. If it backfires then it is nobody's fault. We can but try.
    I said before
    ...worth repeating. We may get angry, frustrated, bitter, but that is their world and they have no way out. We do, if only ultimately.
     
  7. daughter

    daughter Registered User

    Mar 16, 2005
    824
    Imagine that you were in your home and you had just woken up. You look around and everything about your house is unfamiliar. All you can remember is the house you were brought up in and all you want to do is just get back there. - At least that's my interpretation of how it might feel.
     
  8. Stimpfig

    Stimpfig Registered User

    Oct 15, 2005
    135
    Germany/India
    #8 Stimpfig, Jan 12, 2006
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2006
    [
    PHP:
    1. it does no good to shout at people who will not understand why one is shoutingIt does no good either for the person who is shoutingexcept as a momentary letting off of steam. [which may be necessary for their own sanitybut it may confuse the other person even more]. alsolaterone usually feels guilty after the heat of the moment.
    How true ! It does bother me that I can't help shouting at times. Mum is such a frail 80 year old lady ! The day before, I made a conscious effort, even counted upto ten, waited and did other things, but still I had to shout to 'feel better' or shall I say, release the anxiety which I called disequilibrium in my earlier post on this thread.

    Anyway, still remorseful, I asked mum today how did she feel about my shouting at her to which she said - I don't mind at all. You are, after all, my mother. Irony of life !
     
  9. Michael E

    Michael E Registered User

    Apr 14, 2005
    619
    Male
    Ronda Spain
    At the risk or raising the wrath of the entire talking point community, I really do not agree with a lot of what is being posted in this thread.

    This opinion is based solely on what is going on in my house at the moment with a wife who married me 45 years ago who has AD and cannot read, write, wash up cook clean or remember what day of the week it is for more than a few minutes. However she has a memory problem. That is the basis of her problem.

    She still finds boring people boring. She still has a sense of the ridicullas, she can still look at me in an Alzheimers meeting and say with her eyes these people are ga ga and worse still very boring. She can still turn round to the nurse who comes in to wash her and say 'stop talking to me like I am a child' and with reason....

    Frankly I do believe she can throw a tantrum. She has been able to be incredibly stubborn, dramatic and ocanisionally OTT for the 47 years I have known her so why should she not be now?

    I am pretty certain that Monique threw the tantrum for two basic reasons - she did not want to be separated from me - she observed her surroundings, the people and the conversation going on around her and decided it was not for her. Just not bearable for any length of time. They did not interest, amuse or stimulate her. I have to say that if I were in her shoes I might agree not in her shoes I would run a mile.....

    Of course she was scared when I did not return sooner, felt abandoned so when I did appear then a very dramatic performance seemed obligatory and of course (ask any actor) this was draining and became a sort of reality -

    Later I retaliated emotionally and gave her a hard time. just as I would have done before her memory went to pot. Not the PC thing to do but she had pushed me too far.... Not of course for the first time in our relationship.

    Interestingly, this morning , I of course gave her a big hug and said loving words when she eventually emerged from the pit... she has been happier, brighter and less clingy than I remember for ages. She went off to the Irish cafe with an English friend of ours and had a Guinness - where she got that taste from I have no idea and has been a nicer person to be with generally akk day - even fun to be with at certain moments..

    Now I am not saying we should use emotional violence or loose it on purpose but I am reminded of the supermarket ad in which a woman with a child who is throwing a tantrum throws herself to the shop floor and screams and shouts - to the child's amazement --- and the child stops being obnoxious.

    Could it be that our 'loved ones' are in fact just/only suffering memory loss which will eventually kill them and will make simple tasks almost impossible but that they are not stupid, ignorant or suffering personality disorders - they simply cannot remember things - and if that is true, then they can still attempt to be manipulative, cruel, unkind, thoughtless, impatient just as they were when their memory was working and as flawed human beings, which we all are, sometimes need boundaries setting/laws and social rules which should be more or less obeyed for the good of all.
    ducking

    Michael
     
  10. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Michael, big [[[[[hug]]]]]]]] think you need it. Of course you will not alienate anyone on TP. Opinions voiced are just that, opinions. Very, very valid in some cases, but will always be tuned to their own circumstances.

    You have to do it your way. You, and Monique, are living this life together as best you know how. Please don't dismiss all the good advice given previously, just maybe take even just one aspect on board, and give it a try..............but remember you are only human, you are there doing a super job, and doing it 24/7

    I do hope things settle down a little for you both. Wish I could make it better. Thinking of you, love Connie
     
  11. widget

    widget Registered User

    Jul 18, 2005
    44
    Lincs
    Hi Michael

    No need to duck! You are going through an awful time with the woman you love, a woman you have loved for 47 years no less! YOU know her better than anyone, so only you will be able to see what remnants there are of her 'real' self. That's one thing i'm learning, this terrible AD affects people in different ways.

    I'm sending you big hugs from frosty Lincolnshire {hug}
     
  12. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi Michael

    Grief, why duck? You are posting your observations and self questioning exactly as we all do. We're all just interpreting what we see and sometimes we may be correct, other times not so.

    As I end every message I post with the following
    then that is the basis of my own experience, just as your experience with Monique is the basis of yours.

    We're all trying desperately to figure our what to do for the best, how best to help them, how best to cope.

    All that we post is highly subjective.

    That being said, a good part of many situations that each member describes is often echoed by other members.

    In your message I can relate to
    since Jan did the same. She could never figure out why she very occasionally was in a room with really much older people who were not really with it. Somehow it is even worse when the person is highly intelligent and highly sensitive.
    I can't relate to - but understand -
    - this is because in the 35 years we were together we never once did that, either of us. I never could quite figure why that was, but I treasured it.
    Well, I agree somewhat. But I don't believe that it is simply memory loss - at least not for my Jan. The brain - like any computer system, consists of memory. But the memory isn't worth a pile of ashes without the processor that stores the information in the memory and that retrieves it, or that sends signals to read or write a CD or DVD, or to print a web page. apologies for the references to computers; that was my business and I see a great many similarities, and more importantly, I can understand [or at least believe I do] by making the relationship.

    With dementia I believe that memory certainly is badly compromised, but also that neural connections to just about everything are also affected - hence Jan's 'blindness', inability to walk, talk etc.

    If it were 'merely' memory loss, I'd be quite happy to live in a world of endless repeating - after all we have that on TV anyhow...
    ..these were never in Jan's vocabulary, so I can't speak for that.
    Ah, if only that could work, but I reckon that the damage caused by the dementia renders normal laws of living to be a concept beyone their ken.

    If Monique's problems are just memory related, and with bouts of temper, and you can persuade her of boundaries, then good luck.

    I'll end as I started
    only doubly so as it is in my signature as well.
     
  13. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hi Michael,

    When my mum was at your wife's stage of her illness I was living only 20/30 minutes away (still do). It meant that I was able to take her out, dash over when dad was having a particularly bad time, have lengthy phone calls as we found that my talking would often bring her back to reality when her mind slipped. So although dad was caring for her 24/7 he had support and some way of escape. Obviously you were desperately hoping that this daytime group would give you some space. No wonder you were so hurt by Monique's reaction.

    Dad did manage to get some day care and as mum's illness progressed she then accepted going for daycare in a care home. I don't feel that it was an ideal place, but she was safe and it gave dad a little time to himself.

    I cannot agree that dementia is only a case of poor memory, but nor have I ever considered my mum to be "stupid". Children throw tantrums often because they are confused, don't understand what is being expected of them, because they have feelings that they do not have the language nor emotional maturity to explain.

    As mum's illness progressed her behaviour became less challenging, but there have been different challenges to meet. What I would give now to know that mum recognised me - to feel her love- just for 30 seconds to be able to tell her I love her and know that she understands.

    No-one has the right to judge another until they have "walked in their shoes", and though people on TP may all have similar shoes, we all wear our own!

    Take care. Keep trying to find ways to give yourself a little space and time. Your situation sounds to be quite isolated and I think that must be scarey.

    Amy
     
  14. Robert

    Robert Registered User

    Feb 25, 2005
    44
    Hello Michael,

    I have read all your posts and it is abundantly clear you love Monique to bits after 47 years together. I can relate to that, having been with my wife 46 years. Sadly she has been in an EMI home for 1 year and I am lost with out her.

    I am fasinated with your reasoning and event descriptions, how on earth you manage that in a foreign language beats me. If I were wearing a hat, I'd take it off to you.

    My experience with day care did not even get to the starting post. Like Monique, my wife gave me a look which said she was'nt having anything to do with these elderly people playing pass the ball and this was just a 'look see' visit. She flatly refused to consider attending.

    In the end to get a break myself, I had to pay for a carer to come and sit with my wife. My wife would not accept a stranger at first. For several weeks I had to be present saying the lady was the wife of a business friend. The carer worked hard at being accepted as a friend. I only benefitted once from this arrangement, before my wife had to go for assessment and then into the EMI care home.

    I wish you success in getting some time to yourself, I know how desperate one can get.

    Best wishes,

    Robert
     
  15. rummy

    rummy Registered User

    Jul 15, 2005
    700
    Oklahoma,USA
    Wow, I'm a little afraid to try a day care now :eek: My Mom sits around so bored that the subject has been brought up again and I am going to check on one tomorrow. She probably won't go either.
    Michael, I think we have to draw the line when things get abusive, verbally or physically. Like children that can't be reasoned with, you have to let them know when their behavior is inappropriate. THey really are "actting out" like children do when they don't have the vocabulary or the maturity to express themselves logically. Only difference as far as I can see is that children can learn, and AD can't. My Mom often acts like a 80 lb two year old ! But you can tell a two year old "NO"
    I think AD just makes their demeanor more profound, their personality warped and their life like pick-up-sticks.......just a big jumble of skewed memories.
    Hang in there !
    Debbie
     
  16. Michael E

    Michael E Registered User

    Apr 14, 2005
    619
    Male
    Ronda Spain
    Just want to say 'thank you' for all the constructive feedback -

    I must clear up a few points first. I am a Brit - English - I suppose the idea I was this brilliantly educated French Man came from my home address - in La Rochelle - Monique is French but has lived in the UK since she was 21 and actually much prefers all thing British to French. I effectively left school when I was 12 so am thrilled that English is a constantly evolving language - if you Google my name you will come to my web site fairly easily - great place to visit if you are into TV drama or Sailing neither of which are headliners in this forum - thank goodness.

    I would also like to counter the assumption that I am this sort of gentle nice caring person which is pretty far from the truth. Monique and I have had a volatile relationship and not lived together for all of our married years - Probably the reason we are not bored out of our minds with each other is that volatility!!! -

    Sadly I have been the one who has rocked the relationship boat the most and I regret that but can't change that. A few years ago I wanted to get our relationship back on the rails and worked hard to make that happen - Monique was pretty untrusting of me and with good reason - I succeeded and she started to present with AD symptoms - I want, yes want, to do everything I can to help her and if I didn't or if I loose that desire then wild horses would not keep me here. I am here partly on a guilt trip and partly because I cannot conceive of life without Monique in it in some way.

    Monique is no angel and I do think people need boundaries setting - wether they have AD or not. Boundaries of what is acceptable within relationships, work, social life and this is a middle aged hippy talking! Normally this just happens - it is not considered - you discover the boundaries of others by their reactions. for yourself, you do not let people walk all over you or manipulate you beyond the limit you want to let them. I worked in show business all my life and have been surrounded by what are commonly called 'luvvies' - mainly because we can't remember each others names - too many people too many shows --- or we all have degrees of AD. Some so intelligent and clever it's frightening - some pretty dumb - some vain some pompous, some alcoholic, some out of it on more exotic stuff but all insecure and in need of love and attention and needed boundries of disapline of acceptable behaviour - unless the rehearsal room is a creative place it is nothing and the right Qs are not given then the production will founder. Just like, I think, it is for AD sufferers.

    The impression I have at the moment is that Monique has this memory problem - she certainly is not a computer or anything like one. There is no exact right or wrong with Monique - she works off instinct - off need- off imagination, off anger at her situation and none of those are computer chips.

    I am 99% certain that a lot of the time she knows exactly what is going on but circumstances are conditioning her to expect more and more attention - of course - that is what is happening - the less you do the less you want to do. Like me she is not perfect and does not need to be treated with kid gloves all the time - in fact I am becoming more of the opinion that the more normal my reactions are to her the more 'normally' she reacts or tries to react.....

    Since our 'Oops' day Monique has brightened up considerably - Well she won but she also discovered she had pushed me too far with OTT behaviour. We have to some extent discussed the 'meeting' problem and I can see her point of view - as Robert so aptly put it - 'a load of old people playing pass the parcel' is indeed a fate worse than death. I will still try, perhaps, to persuade her that the group would be therapeutic but I think she has clocked it is more for me than for her and she will laugh in my face - Laugh - not use obscure swear words in French that I do not fully understand the meaning or try to hit me with a fist full of rings!

    This is far too long - sorry - and I am beginning to take myself too seriously - I apologise for that as well.

    I am truly grateful for all the comments and feed back- to be able to hear a range of opinion and experience is invaluable. Amy is right - I am a little isolated and this forum is like a lifeline - I find it difficult to understand French nuances so the local AD 'carers' bit does not work for me. Also like Monique - I am not a 'mutton'!!

    love and thanks

    michael
     
  17. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi Michael and thanks for your latest post and clarifications.

    A couple of wee clarifications of my own, regarding my own reply..... ;)

    Firstly, I did know you were a Brit, but I always like to comment on correct usage of English [and otherwise]. I made the reference to French because I always use "an hotel" rather than the more common "a hotel", and the former always pronounces 'hotel' in the french manner...

    Secondly, my references to computers. I don't mean to say anyone is computer-like, other than that their memories do work in a similar architectural way to a computer - actually, the computer has been designed on the base of the human brain function, more correctly.

    I know that emotions, experiences etc all are not computer like, yet beneath them all is the basic function of the neurons etc. When they go squiffy, everything else does too.

    ...as always I should say in my view

    I'm glad things have brightened a bit.
     
  18. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    3,433
    Suffolk,England
    #18 Lynne, Jan 13, 2006
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2006
    On the subject of arguments ...

    The paragraph quoted below comes from one of the factsheets re. sundowning recommended in another thread. I just thought it pertinent to this discussion (if rather understated for situations which involve knife-throwing! :eek: )

    However, one would need to be a complete saint to get it right all the time, even when one's relationship with Mum (or whoever) has previously been a calm loving one. Some families seem to fight like cat & dog all the time, almost without realising it. It doesn't mean they don't love one another, it's just their way. Shouting & hollering & constant criticism is the norm for them, and if one member gets AD, that 'way of life' isn't going to magically turn to sweetness & light.
    :eek: Oops, sorry Bruce "isn't, magically, going to turn ..." :D
     
  19. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    18,972
    Derbyshire
    [Like me she is not perfect and does not need to be treated with kid gloves all the time - in fact I am becoming more of the opinion that the more normal my reactions are to her the more 'normally' she reacts or tries to react.....

    Michael: How I agree with you. David and I do not have shouting matches as that is not how we are (or were). But if he gets too crochety then I react - if my reaction is normal and firm - I get a good period of 'trying hard to please'. Although his brain is far from normal, in there really is a quite intellectual and clever mind - and this comes through if challenged.

    Day care today was successful until we got home! Whilst there he rose to the occasion. From the moment we returned home he was extremely difficult with me. Obviously very tired - my option was just to work away rather than react. This time that has worked.

    I thought alot about your posting - and all last evening I likened your situation to the need for young children to have boundaries. There you are commenting on this when I see the screen just now!! David was just like a little boy going to the Centre this am - even to the point of saying he didn't feel well - but fine when he arrived!!!

    Really pleased things have settled down - hope you can give the day care another whirl before long.

    Best wishes BeckyJan
     
  20. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    18,972
    Derbyshire
    [Like me she is not perfect and does not need to be treated with kid gloves all the time - in fact I am becoming more of the opinion that the more normal my reactions are to her the more 'normally' she reacts or tries to react.....

    Michael: How I agree with you. David and I do not have shouting matches as that is not how we are (or were). But if he gets too crochety then I react - if my reaction is normal and firm - I get a good period of 'trying hard to please'. Although his brain is far from normal, underneath there is a quite intellectual and clever mind - and this comes through if challenged. (Maybe all this will change as AD progresses).

    Day care today was successful until we got home! Whilst there he rose to the occasion. From the moment we returned home he was extremely difficult with me. Obviously very tired - my option was just to work away rather than react. This time that has worked.

    I thought alot about your posting - and all last evening I likened your situation to the need for young children to have boundaries. There you are commenting on this when I see the screen just now!! David was just like a little boy going to the Centre this am - even to the point of saying he didn't feel well - but fine when he arrived!!!

    Really pleased things have settled down - hope you can give the day care another whirl before long.

    Best wishes BeckyJan :eek:
     

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