One year on and really fed up

[Duggies-girl]

Well dad has been gone a year now, I arranged the funeral and I cleared his bungalow and completed probate and today I gave my brother and myself the remainder of dads estate. September last year we finally had dads ashes interred with mums as he wanted. It's all done and finished with so why do I feel so lousy.

It's like life stopped at the same time as dad. I had 2 weeks of freedom between dads funeral and lockdown which I used to sort out some of dads paperwork and then back to sitting on the sofa for another year. I should be cleaning my own place now or decorating or something, anything in fact but I don't want to. I feel cheated and I realise that is a very selfish thought but I do.

I don't even know why I am posting this but I need to voice my thoughts somewhere to someone who may understand because nobody else seems to. At least I had a purpose when I was looking after dad but now there is nothing other than cleaning (which I am fed up with) I tried to talk to my husband about it but he just said 'that everyone is in the same boat' as if I should just say 'Oh well that's okay then' Well I feel like I have been in the boat longer than some others and it's starting to get me down. It doesn't seem to get him down and I can't moan at him because I could not have looked after dad without his help and he was the only one who stepped up to help.

I don't regret looking after dad because he was so lovely and really easy although I could have done without his cancer and the hospital stay because the ups and downs were frightening but I did expect to have some kind of life after. I never in my wildest dreams expected a pandemic to just pop up out of nowhere and send me straight back to the flipping sofa.

My car is due it's mot at the end of this month and I am going to SORN it. I have taken it for its mot every year and it has gone nowhere for years now except for one trip so I don't see the point. It just sits in the garage between mot's and it is not likely to go anywhere this year. I can use my husbands car for shopping, no point in having 2 cars.

I know I sound like a Moaning Minnie but I can't help it, I am just fed up. I am going to bed now.

 

[jennifer1967]

moan all you like, i do a fair bit of that. saying hello wall, how are you today? its not fun with no real end in sight. i cant go out due to pain and havent gone out since july. cant even sit in the garden as too cold. i expect you had all those plans in place of where you want to go and do after you stopped caring and they got scuppered. it feels like a waste of a year and the grandchildren are getting older and changing, i wont get that back. i have to hope it will get better

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @Duggies-girl

It often happens.

When we think we should be getting our lives together after loss, the emptiness after years of not enough hours in the day, is hard to live with. Add social distancing to the mix and it is even more difficult.

I know how you are feeling and I didn`t have covid to contend with. It`s impossible to come from one extreme to another without some effect. You don`t need me to tell you it will pass but with the pandemic, I`m afraid it will take longer to pass than usual.

I hope you wake feeling a little better than you felt last night. It really will be ups and downs for you for a while yet.

 

[Grahamstown]

My thoughts are with you as I also live through the last week of his life a year ago. I have to admit that the one thing I did which has made it easier for me is to take on my puppy four months ago and she is a lovely 6 month old dog now. Training was arduous and hard and took my mind off things so perhaps taking on any challenge that interests you does do that. She is still a work in progress but I have reached the point where she is a well behaved dog. I admit that the more effort I put in the better she becomes so it does give me less time to brood and cry. She gives me purpose losing which leaves you bereft. I am overwhelmed from time to time and I really think my daughter is suffering more so I know how bad you must feel. I keep to the rules but my daily discipline keeps me going. We have to find our own way and I feel helpless to help anyone now but I do understand how and why you are feel the way you do and hope you can find a way through.

 

[Bunpoots]

I feel the same @Duggies-girl . It took over a year to sort out my dad's estate (Not that there was a year's worth of work but I had to wait for a tenancy to end before I could sell his bungalow) and 2020 was going to be my first year of freedom in a long time...

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

I feel very much the same. Mum died Nov. 2019 and suddenly all the things that occupied my mind and my time were gone.

I also had plans to do the house up, etc. I still do but I have lost any enthusiasm and dread the thought of all the upheaval it would involve. (New kitchen and bathroom.) For the past year I have hardly seen anyone, hardly been out and I find myself at a very low ebb. I just do the necessary minimum for my work, every day is the same and every day I'm a bit older. I haven't seen my kids for a year.

I honestly can't see things improving till we come out of lockdown and I can look forward to going out, socialising. (The thing I miss most is going out for a meal - even a cheap one!) For now I'm stuck with an overall feeling of, 'What's the point?'

 

[DreamsAreReal]

@Duggies-girl I don’t think anything in your post sounds selfish at all. You’ve been through a horrendous experience with your Dad and now you’ve got lockdown to cope with. When you were busy with caring and then sorting out Dad’s affairs you had something to distract your attention away from your grief. Now you’re just left with your thoughts and feelings and no escape from them. You probably know all this already, but knowing it doesn’t help you feel better. I wish I had some wise words to comfort you with, but I don’t. I hope you’re having a better day today. xx.

jmho, but I think “we’re all in the same boat” is usually a clumsy attempt at “you’re not alone in how you feel”, especially when it’s said by a loved one. Bereavement is the worst pain.

 

[marionq]

@Duggies-girl I’m very much my mother’s daughter in dealing with adversity. She had plenty of that and until my husbands dementia I had very little. She was always altering and moving something.

After Johns death I was straight into
His sisters dementia and lockdown and I think I was on the brink of a breakdown myself or a bout of depression for the first time.

I stood in the middle of my kitchen and thought “What can I change?”. This is a fairly new house so the only thing I could change was colour and that’s what’s I did. I bought lovely emulsion, I made new cushions, I ordered new blinds for the bathroom - in other words I gave myself a number of projects to fill my mind with something other than the pointlessness which was overwhelming me. I cleared out stuff, made stuff, thought about stuff and kept myself too busy to succumb. Different people will have different drives but I think we have to fight against dementia taking us along too.

Best wishes.

 

[MaNaAk]

Dear @Duggies-girl,

feel free to moan as much as you like as I have just been doing the same. I felt the same when I cared for dad and I know that he appreciated it.

MaNaAk

 

[Duggies-girl]

Thank you all for your support and I am glad that I am not the only one to feel like this but sad at the same time that others feel the same. I bucked up a bit today and went for a decent walk in the snow to Sainsburys where I bought two tops and a pair of nice comfy trousers. I really need some new clothes as I have worn the same things over and over for the last few years. I am slowly going to bin most of what I am wearing as I do have newer clothes but I am too fat to get into them.

@Jaded'n'faded I would like to spend some time chatting to someone I don't live with, it would be so nice to just sit and have a bite to eat or a coffee with a friend but we can't, most of my friends are in the older age group and have older partners so we are all being extra careful. Not seeing your kids is hard, I still have my one at home but he is fed up too and I think sometimes I get on his nerves but I understand that so I try to give him some space.

@Grahamstown I would love to have another dog or a cat even but I don't think I am ready. I used to do dog handling for an agency with peoples pets, taking them to studios for tv work or a photo shoot. It was really quite exciting but it was a long time ago. I worry about vets bill now as my own dog managed to cost us a small fortune over a number of years along with the cat.

I am glad I went for a walk today, it was a day out on my own, I went through the park where I used to walk my dog and I haven't walked through there for years then I cut through our local cemetery (not where dad is) and there were a lot of bird, blackbirds and redwings which was nice to see. Whenever we go away in the UK we always look for a local bird reserve to walk round because they are usually quiet and often very beautiful.

@marionq I am going to put our new shower holder on tomorrow because the old one is falling off, small steps I suppose.

This will end.