Dear All
Wednesday was the first anniversary of my mother’s death. I went to the garden of remembrance with no real expectation of how I might feel on the day. Her funeral had taken place on 1st March 2021 under strict Covid19 restrictions. Limited numbers could attend, no singing or hugging, move on rapidly after the service as another was waiting to start. Not the best of memories about the location.
Firstly I looked at the entry in the book of remembrance and took some pictures to email to other family members. The words I had so carefully thought about were just that. Words on a page which had no impact on me. The plot number where mum’s ashes were laid to rest was pretty bleak on this winter day. I spoke to two other people attending to remember their lost loved one. Finally I ended up sat on a park bench holding my dear mum’s favourite teddy wondering what life is all about. I would have accepted any emotional response but to be just left numb was not what I would have expected.
This sense of numbness has been growing in 2022. Throughout most of 2021 I was wrapped up in grief, hardly a day going by without tears and feelings of great loss and isolation. Executor of mum’s will involved a lot of documentation and nearly everything made harder under Covid19 various rules. I had dreaded Christmas, but surprisingly it went quite well, pulling up a lot of preDementia memories of mum.
I had a sleepless night last night and in the small hours I realised that I have come full circle. During my shielding year with mum her Dementia had really gathered pace along with other issues. To deal with matters I mentally acknowledged each set back, but then buried it from my thoughts to allow me to operate effectively as mum’s carer. Increasingly I got detached from my emotions and feeling more mentally numb. It was the only way I could cope on my own. No doubt many other carers did the same. Then a wave of grief hit me when mum died and the caring role ceased overnight.
Gradually that grief has eased somewhat but I think that has left me back where I was in early 2021 as regards all of my other emotions. They are effectively numb. Has anyone else experienced this coming out of the initial period of intense grief and moved onto feeling nothing. It is happening in my physical life as well. I eat, sleep, go to work, listen to music I loved and now just hear the notes, cannot settle to read books by favourite authors. Just after Christmas it felt like some tentative colour was coming back into life, but now it is black and white again, I feel like I am existing not living.
I know mum would want me to enjoy my remaining life but that does not help. I have very limited contact with two siblings, no partner or children, friends all fell away during six years of caring. Part of me feels a little bitter. Thanks for everything you did for mum but bye. Carers are “valued“ right up until the moment the role ends then it seems you are on your own. Are there any groups ex carers an join to try and learn how to rebuild their life. I am starting a course of counselling shortly and hope that might help. At present I am emotionally flat, with just an all embracing feeling of sadness, loss and isolation. Not depression I think just a void.
I would like to hear anyone else’s comments and suggestions. Please tell meI am not alone in how I am feeling right now.
Wednesday was the first anniversary of my mother’s death. I went to the garden of remembrance with no real expectation of how I might feel on the day. Her funeral had taken place on 1st March 2021 under strict Covid19 restrictions. Limited numbers could attend, no singing or hugging, move on rapidly after the service as another was waiting to start. Not the best of memories about the location.
Firstly I looked at the entry in the book of remembrance and took some pictures to email to other family members. The words I had so carefully thought about were just that. Words on a page which had no impact on me. The plot number where mum’s ashes were laid to rest was pretty bleak on this winter day. I spoke to two other people attending to remember their lost loved one. Finally I ended up sat on a park bench holding my dear mum’s favourite teddy wondering what life is all about. I would have accepted any emotional response but to be just left numb was not what I would have expected.
This sense of numbness has been growing in 2022. Throughout most of 2021 I was wrapped up in grief, hardly a day going by without tears and feelings of great loss and isolation. Executor of mum’s will involved a lot of documentation and nearly everything made harder under Covid19 various rules. I had dreaded Christmas, but surprisingly it went quite well, pulling up a lot of preDementia memories of mum.
I had a sleepless night last night and in the small hours I realised that I have come full circle. During my shielding year with mum her Dementia had really gathered pace along with other issues. To deal with matters I mentally acknowledged each set back, but then buried it from my thoughts to allow me to operate effectively as mum’s carer. Increasingly I got detached from my emotions and feeling more mentally numb. It was the only way I could cope on my own. No doubt many other carers did the same. Then a wave of grief hit me when mum died and the caring role ceased overnight.
Gradually that grief has eased somewhat but I think that has left me back where I was in early 2021 as regards all of my other emotions. They are effectively numb. Has anyone else experienced this coming out of the initial period of intense grief and moved onto feeling nothing. It is happening in my physical life as well. I eat, sleep, go to work, listen to music I loved and now just hear the notes, cannot settle to read books by favourite authors. Just after Christmas it felt like some tentative colour was coming back into life, but now it is black and white again, I feel like I am existing not living.
I know mum would want me to enjoy my remaining life but that does not help. I have very limited contact with two siblings, no partner or children, friends all fell away during six years of caring. Part of me feels a little bitter. Thanks for everything you did for mum but bye. Carers are “valued“ right up until the moment the role ends then it seems you are on your own. Are there any groups ex carers an join to try and learn how to rebuild their life. I am starting a course of counselling shortly and hope that might help. At present I am emotionally flat, with just an all embracing feeling of sadness, loss and isolation. Not depression I think just a void.
I would like to hear anyone else’s comments and suggestions. Please tell meI am not alone in how I am feeling right now.