One Step Forward
- Thread starter Dave W
- Start date
Thank You
Thanks to all of you - very heart-warming on such a chilly night. Well, the room is as homely as we can make it (pictures on walls, coffee tables, telly and radio, ornaments and vases, magazine rack, bowl of fruit, and so on), so all we can do is wait to see how she reacts when she gets there (I have little idea how much she understands of what is going on). So all I can do now is go to sleep. Sleep well, everyone.
Thanks to all of you - very heart-warming on such a chilly night. Well, the room is as homely as we can make it (pictures on walls, coffee tables, telly and radio, ornaments and vases, magazine rack, bowl of fruit, and so on), so all we can do is wait to see how she reacts when she gets there (I have little idea how much she understands of what is going on). So all I can do now is go to sleep. Sleep well, everyone.
Hi Dave
I have been following your saga and feel you have had the patience of a saint. I hope everything is now finally sorted out and I will be thinking of you and your mum. I really hope your mum's move goes without any more hitches, and that she settles well and is happy in her new home.
Love and hugs
Maggie x x
I have been following your saga and feel you have had the patience of a saint. I hope everything is now finally sorted out and I will be thinking of you and your mum. I really hope your mum's move goes without any more hitches, and that she settles well and is happy in her new home.
Love and hugs
Maggie x x
And so chapter three begins
Well, she's arrived. I think realising (finally) it was a home (although quite where she'd got the idea it was her own cottage in the country I have no idea) came as a shock - or more like a reality check - so we got it both barrels for a while tonight, but she was calmer by the time we left.
The home said she was very grumpy to start with, but had started to be a bit more chatty and settled as the afternoon went by. Never having been one for either change or gratitude, we're now onto a new waiting game. And at least I only have a twenty minute journey to be told how useless I am and how I'm responsible for all the ills of the world now, which makes a pleasant change from three hours plus.
Think it's time for another gin.
Night all.
Well, she's arrived. I think realising (finally) it was a home (although quite where she'd got the idea it was her own cottage in the country I have no idea) came as a shock - or more like a reality check - so we got it both barrels for a while tonight, but she was calmer by the time we left.
The home said she was very grumpy to start with, but had started to be a bit more chatty and settled as the afternoon went by. Never having been one for either change or gratitude, we're now onto a new waiting game. And at least I only have a twenty minute journey to be told how useless I am and how I'm responsible for all the ills of the world now, which makes a pleasant change from three hours plus.
Think it's time for another gin.
Night all.
Dear Dave,
Well you finally got it all sorted! What a huge relief for you. Short distance abuse will be a piece of cake after the last months you've endured. I'm so pleased for you.
Let's hope Mum settles in after a few days. Keep the idea of the 'cottage in the country going'. It's a much better vision than a NH. My parents think they are at an hotel and I've never burst that bubble.
Very best wishes.
Jude
Well you finally got it all sorted! What a huge relief for you. Short distance abuse will be a piece of cake after the last months you've endured. I'm so pleased for you.
Let's hope Mum settles in after a few days. Keep the idea of the 'cottage in the country going'. It's a much better vision than a NH. My parents think they are at an hotel and I've never burst that bubble.
Very best wishes.
Jude
Dave love, I will join you in the gin. Make mine a large one with tonic.
Thinking of you, Connie
Thinking of you, Connie
My mum went into a nursing home a month ago. She was in an EMI home for a year but fell and broke her hip. She then spent about 8 weeks in hospital before moving to the nursing home. For the first few days she seemed to have settled really well. However, towards the end of the week she became very unsettled and extremely nasty towards my sister and I. This phase only lasted a few days thankfully and she settled down again - at least as much as anyone with dementia ever does. I have since heard that this is quite common, sometimes termed the honeymoon period. If I'd known that at the time it would have been much easier to deal with. I'm not saying that it happens to everyone but thought it might be worth posting as a word of warning to anyone who has a relative admitted to a home or moved from one home to another.
Dear Dave, hooray, at last, what a game its been. Try not to take the critisms to heart, its the illness not your Mum talking. 
Noel, the mood swings do seem to happen more with any change in daily life I found, try not to let it get to you either. Love She. XX
Noel, the mood swings do seem to happen more with any change in daily life I found, try not to let it get to you either. Love She. XX"Another marathon? What, now?"
Hi everyone and thank you: kind messages on a cold, frosty morning. That's what the Internet has really achieved (heresy, coming from a web design project manager, but I never was one for organised religion!). I shall going out at lunch to buy her knickers and african violets, and me some more gin, lemons and tonic. I hope not to notice Sunday. Or possibly even feel it. And while I'm drinking the gin, I shall hope her bubble reforms quickly: her acute denial and delusions do seem to have had a habit of combining to form the most bizarre and intricate webs. Let's see what she weaves this time. Ho hum.
D
x
Hi everyone and thank you: kind messages on a cold, frosty morning. That's what the Internet has really achieved (heresy, coming from a web design project manager, but I never was one for organised religion!). I shall going out at lunch to buy her knickers and african violets, and me some more gin, lemons and tonic. I hope not to notice Sunday. Or possibly even feel it. And while I'm drinking the gin, I shall hope her bubble reforms quickly: her acute denial and delusions do seem to have had a habit of combining to form the most bizarre and intricate webs. Let's see what she weaves this time. Ho hum.
D
x
DaveDave W said:
Congratulations on having got Mum 'in place', even though she may not appreciate it.
I know that your posts & comments are often tongue-in-cheek, but I think underneath you are still hurting at your Mum's reactions & criticisms, naturally. Can I just comment on "Let's see what she weaves this time"? It's the disease weaving the bizarre webs and ideas, not your Mum. She's trapped inside the webs, trying to make sense of the senseless, and get used to this new 'home' environment which has suddenly appeared around her.
Once upon a time, her constant criticisms of you may have been personal; now they are a habit which she hasn't yet let go of. She doesn't know what's going on any more, they are all she has left.
Improving
Apparently, today has been jollier so far, and they're pleasantly surprised that she's been quite chatty today.
"We think you're going to be the one she vents everything at" was an interesting observation by the staff, and - I expect - will turn out to be fairly accurate. In response to Lynne, I'm afraid she's been capable of developing - and voicing - often quite ludicrous accusations about me since I was knee high; while it may be partly the dementia talking at present, it is also an underlying character trait that drove my father to distraction while he was alive. I've had 46 years of being 'wrong', no matter what I do, and that doesn't appear to be about to change (ward staff at the hospital commented that she was very flattering about me behind my back, but rude to my face).
Gratitude has, sadly, simply never been her forte: this is a woman who wouldn't make a 20 minute bus journey to visit me when I lived in London because she 'couldn't leave the dog alone that long', but would phone me up with abuse if I hadn't visited at least weekly. Since I left London (about 21 years ago), she's visited me once.
if anyone has tips or advice on how to deal with this, I'd be grateful.
Apparently, today has been jollier so far, and they're pleasantly surprised that she's been quite chatty today.
"We think you're going to be the one she vents everything at" was an interesting observation by the staff, and - I expect - will turn out to be fairly accurate. In response to Lynne, I'm afraid she's been capable of developing - and voicing - often quite ludicrous accusations about me since I was knee high; while it may be partly the dementia talking at present, it is also an underlying character trait that drove my father to distraction while he was alive. I've had 46 years of being 'wrong', no matter what I do, and that doesn't appear to be about to change (ward staff at the hospital commented that she was very flattering about me behind my back, but rude to my face).
Gratitude has, sadly, simply never been her forte: this is a woman who wouldn't make a 20 minute bus journey to visit me when I lived in London because she 'couldn't leave the dog alone that long', but would phone me up with abuse if I hadn't visited at least weekly. Since I left London (about 21 years ago), she's visited me once.
if anyone has tips or advice on how to deal with this, I'd be grateful.
Dave
Well, I'm glad today has been a good day for your Mum.
I'm sorry, I wasn't presuming to try & tell you what your Mum's nature & character are like, I suppose I just wanted to try & block some of the hurt, when you are doing everything you possibly can for her. It would only be a very small comfort to me that "ward staff at the hospital commented that she was very flattering about me behind my back, but rude to my face", but at least others recognise the difference between what she says (to you) and the actual facts of your caring actions.
As to "tips or advice on how to deal with this", I think you must have cracked that one years ago - develop a metaphorical skin like an alligator!!
Best wishes
Well, I'm glad today has been a good day for your Mum.
I'm sorry, I wasn't presuming to try & tell you what your Mum's nature & character are like, I suppose I just wanted to try & block some of the hurt, when you are doing everything you possibly can for her. It would only be a very small comfort to me that "ward staff at the hospital commented that she was very flattering about me behind my back, but rude to my face", but at least others recognise the difference between what she says (to you) and the actual facts of your caring actions.
As to "tips or advice on how to deal with this", I think you must have cracked that one years ago - develop a metaphorical skin like an alligator!!
Best wishes
Alligator Hide
Well, two visits over the weekend, and I seem to have moved on to a different kind of feeling 'torn'.
The staff are obviously being as kind and helpful as they can, but Mum's move seems to have coincided with what appears to be the most lucid spell she's had in a long while. As a result, she seems to be pretty aware of where she is (if not 100% right on why, as the complete denial of any problem continues), and unhappy. Understandably (from both a dementia and a purely human angle?) she wants to go 'home' (and she seems clear now about the home she lived in, as opposed to having three houses scattered round London).
David and I took her out on Sunday to walk round the town, buy a pair of shoes and generally get a breath of air (along with a big Danish pastry) which seems to cheer up, but I'm now fretting as to how many visits she might get from erstwhile friends and neighbours now that it's a three hour journey for them.
Is this just The Guilt Monster speaking, or do people have suggestions?
(While I think about it, am I right in thinking that I can now reinstate Attendance Allowance, as she's self-financing?)
Dave
Well, two visits over the weekend, and I seem to have moved on to a different kind of feeling 'torn'.
The staff are obviously being as kind and helpful as they can, but Mum's move seems to have coincided with what appears to be the most lucid spell she's had in a long while. As a result, she seems to be pretty aware of where she is (if not 100% right on why, as the complete denial of any problem continues), and unhappy. Understandably (from both a dementia and a purely human angle?) she wants to go 'home' (and she seems clear now about the home she lived in, as opposed to having three houses scattered round London).
David and I took her out on Sunday to walk round the town, buy a pair of shoes and generally get a breath of air (along with a big Danish pastry) which seems to cheer up, but I'm now fretting as to how many visits she might get from erstwhile friends and neighbours now that it's a three hour journey for them.
Is this just The Guilt Monster speaking, or do people have suggestions?
(While I think about it, am I right in thinking that I can now reinstate Attendance Allowance, as she's self-financing?)
Dave
Dave, don't let the guilt in. Remeber you are doing the very best you can in the circumstances.
Of course it will not be easy for your mum, but give her time, she will adjust.
Thinking of you, Connie.
P.S. You do keep Attendace Allowance if you self fund.
Of course it will not be easy for your mum, but give her time, she will adjust.
Thinking of you, Connie.
P.S. You do keep Attendace Allowance if you self fund.
Dave W said:
Sounds like a variation of the guilt-monster to me, Dave.
Suggestion:
Whilst you cannot control or speak for Mum's former neighbours & friends, you could make sure they know where she is. Print up some notelets on the 'puter, giving her new address (?describing it as ...? Nursing home, following her recent long spell in hospital???) and saying something like "she would be pleased to see them if they're "in town", now she is a bit better". Or something like that, maybe. You'll know best.
At least they can then send her a letter or card if they feel so inclined, even if they can't visit often.
Best wishes
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As I said in one of my earlier posts, my mum also became very unsettled a few days after going into the new nursing home. She did settle down again soon after so hopefully your mum will also.
Thanks everyone
Thanks for the messages - it really does help. I guess I have my own adjusting to do, as well as she does (and I have to realise I can't do hers for her, and give myself more attention sometimes). What I feel like I hate most about this disease is the way it makes those around the person with dementia feel so helpless; because everything has happened relatively quickly (a year ago, she was at home, a little forgetful sometimes but nothing that was particularly worrying anyone), it gets overwhelming sometimes.
There have been days when I just don't feel up to the struggle, and I guess yesterday was one of them (I woke up crying this morning, but iin the long run t's better than bottling it up). So for today I'm going to try not to think about the road ahead (and all those tasks like rehousing her cat - does no charity want to take in a 10 year old tom cat? Seems not - and deciding what to do about the house), and just do stuff in my own life to feel awee bit more like I'm in control of at least bits of it.
And thank you all for your metaphorical shoulders. I hope I can return the compliment in the future.
Thanks for the messages - it really does help. I guess I have my own adjusting to do, as well as she does (and I have to realise I can't do hers for her, and give myself more attention sometimes). What I feel like I hate most about this disease is the way it makes those around the person with dementia feel so helpless; because everything has happened relatively quickly (a year ago, she was at home, a little forgetful sometimes but nothing that was particularly worrying anyone), it gets overwhelming sometimes.
There have been days when I just don't feel up to the struggle, and I guess yesterday was one of them (I woke up crying this morning, but iin the long run t's better than bottling it up). So for today I'm going to try not to think about the road ahead (and all those tasks like rehousing her cat - does no charity want to take in a 10 year old tom cat? Seems not - and deciding what to do about the house), and just do stuff in my own life to feel awee bit more like I'm in control of at least bits of it.
And thank you all for your metaphorical shoulders. I hope I can return the compliment in the future.
Hiya Dave,
Give yourself a bit of a break mate; you have a had a tottering time with your mum over the past few weeks the move to nursing home being on and off etc etc. You don't need me to tell you what has been going on. You have had to remain strong, resolute, angry, maybe a little intoxicated at times and stuffed with pizza! Part of your worry has now been relieved with mum being settled even if not yet happily so) in the Home. No, you cannot do the adjusting for your mum. I think I posted elsewhere that I view it that we are all on our own journeys, we are privileged enough to walk closely next to some people and we can share part of a path with them. But it is our own journey; we can support and be supported by other people, but we each walk our own path. We do not want our parents, children, lovers, friends to feel pain, but that is their path; we cannot take it away, we can let them know that they are not alone.
I know what you mean about needing to feel in control. My family know when I am not coping, because I start rearranging furniture - having to bring order- and as it usually involves moving a piano and cupboards they dread it, because they know that I am gong to need their muscle power, and if it isn't forthcoming then I will have a go myself, but thyen I get stuck, and they still have to help. So on the whole, if I ask them to move stuff they do, cos it gets the job done quicker and mum calmed down faster!
Right I'm waffling. Take care Dave.
Love, Amy
Give yourself a bit of a break mate; you have a had a tottering time with your mum over the past few weeks the move to nursing home being on and off etc etc. You don't need me to tell you what has been going on. You have had to remain strong, resolute, angry, maybe a little intoxicated at times and stuffed with pizza! Part of your worry has now been relieved with mum being settled even if not yet happily so) in the Home. No, you cannot do the adjusting for your mum. I think I posted elsewhere that I view it that we are all on our own journeys, we are privileged enough to walk closely next to some people and we can share part of a path with them. But it is our own journey; we can support and be supported by other people, but we each walk our own path. We do not want our parents, children, lovers, friends to feel pain, but that is their path; we cannot take it away, we can let them know that they are not alone.
I know what you mean about needing to feel in control. My family know when I am not coping, because I start rearranging furniture - having to bring order- and as it usually involves moving a piano and cupboards they dread it, because they know that I am gong to need their muscle power, and if it isn't forthcoming then I will have a go myself, but thyen I get stuck, and they still have to help. So on the whole, if I ask them to move stuff they do, cos it gets the job done quicker and mum calmed down faster!
Right I'm waffling. Take care Dave.
Love, Amy
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