1. Lavender45

    Lavender45 Registered User

    Jun 7, 2015
    Today is just one of those days when I just want to run away and forgot that even the word dementia exists, let alone it's realities.

    Mum will not countenance having carers coming in or any kind of sitting service. She has never liked friends coming into the house so I can't pretend carers are friends as suggested on other threads, it wouldn't make her any more accepting. I have tried a few times to bring up the idea of a day centre, dressing it up as a luncheon or pensioners club, but no, she doesn't want to do that. I have a sibling, but with teenagers to care for they cannot help out so its just me and that's not enough.

    At the moment I just feel I need some regular time out from caring, but I'm right out of ideas on achieving it. I'd really appreciate anyone's thoughts on getting mum to accept people (a sitter in particular) coming into the house and has anyone persuaded the person they are caring for to go to a day centre when they were totally resistant. If so please tell me what you said to achieve it as I seem to be at stalemate.

    Thank you in advance for any ideas you may have.
  2. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    Hi, Lavender, and sorry you are feeling so down about the situation, which is perfectly understandable. You do clearly need help and there is no shame in that.

    I think that lots of us have, or have had, relatives with dementia who would not accept help, for a variety of reasons, and who were completely stubborn and resistant to all efforts. I remember my own mother shouting at me as I replaced her broken answering machine (answerphone): literally screaming that there was nothing wrong, what was I doing, how dare I interfere in her life. (Well, mum, you asked me to fix it, and I am.) She was also resistant to cleaners and so forth, so I have an idea of where you're coming from.

    I think that maybe instead of thinking of a way to get her to agree, you just have to do it, because if you wait for her to agree, it will never happen.

    I'm not saying you shouldn't consider carefully how you will approach this, or explain it, but I am saying that you don't have to get her permission. Don't discuss the day centre, just take her. Don't discuss having a cleaner or carer come in, just schedule them.

    The suggestions I've seen, other than the "friend here to help" approach, are:
    -the doctor/nurse/social worker said so (especially for day care)
    -this is a new council scheme and it's free
    -you're absolutely right and we don't need any help but they need money and we are helping them out
    -I need the help even if you don't

    Are you on your own as a 24/7 carer with her living with you?
  3. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    So sorry you are having such a hard time - I remember it well!! In the end I just had to go for it. I had to tell her that if she didn't agree I wouldn't be able to keep up with everything I was doing and the alternative would need to be a care home. She accepted some day care better than people coming into her home because she really liked the bus ride (transport) and if people came into her home she thought that they were going to push her out and make her leave and move in (or just move in with her which she found equally horrifying).

    So daycare was easier but still forced but definitely achievable if you can get through the tantrums and black looks. To be honest I don't blame her - she just didn't want people but i was desperate!!

    . We did eventually get 3 hours a week (allocated 6) from the most wonderful carer who just persisted through my mum telling her she was going to call the police, to her telling her she was busy and reading her book upside down, and all sorts of hilarious incidents which we only survived because of the carer's dedication and resilience. I will never forget that woman!!

    I really feel for you, please keep posting xx
  4. Bessieb

    Bessieb Registered User

    Jun 2, 2014
    Huge sympathies Lavender45. My parents refused to have carers / sitters when they were starting to deteriorate a couple of years ago. They would just never agree to it.
    So I lied to them and told them that the NHS sent someone round to everyone over the age of 80 to help them with shopping, housework etc etc and wasn't that lovely and great service.
    They believed me. The care agency were more than happy to go along with it. And my parents - after a really short time - got used to the carers (important to have regular ones) and really liked them.
    I would never ever have got them to agree to it voluntarily so I just had to go this route to help them and preserve my sanity.
    Might this work with your Mum?
  5. Bramble68

    Bramble68 Registered User

    May 11, 2013
    A good friend of mine is now mum's cleaner - she needs the cash and mum needs the help, but it's been tricky at times. For a while mum insisted that she was capable of doing it herself (she wasn't/isn't), then we've had a couple of spells where she thought the cleaner was taking things (no!), and other stuff. She has a new gardener now, as well, has put up a lot of resistance, and my sister and I have had a few tears together over this, but finally we just said to her that the two people were staying and that her attendance allowance (basic amount), therefore the government, is paying!
  6. jojop

    jojop Registered User

    Nov 9, 2013
    SE London
    Hi Lavender, sorry to hear you feeling low.
    I had similar problem with my mum and having a sitting service. She would get angry and demand they leave, refuse to let me go out sometimes I had to ask the carers to leave. It was pretty stressful but I persevered, would tell her we needed shopping or I had docs appointment, say would only be an hour. Now she is more accepting, regular carers definitely help. We still have the odd blip and sometimes I get a call from the carer and have to return early but otherwise it works ok - though I am occasionally 'punished' when I get back.
    Please try and give it a go, you need to have time for self even an hour or two away from it all.
    Take care
  7. Lavender45

    Lavender45 Registered User

    Jun 7, 2015
    Hi and thank you for all your replies, they all made sense.

    I am the only carer for mum at the moment 24/7 and have been since December. Mum thinks she is ok on her own, but she isn't really. She cannot remember our address, no longer cooks (she cannot get any timings right to get a meal together), won't use the microwave and has an amazing ability to get our washing machine to
    freeze whilst not touching anything-mmm cos that really happens on its own.

    Jojop I can really relate to what you said about being punished when you get back from a bit of time out. I've definitely been there and done that, mostly just going for shopping rather than anything social. I find it difficult not to bite back about how unreasonable mum is being, but mum was never one to see another persons point of view, so I've no chance of her taking it on board now.

    On Friday we had a visitor from the memory clinic and I spoke to her about day care. That was not positive. She said there are few day care facilities in my area, this bares out my own pretty fruitless google search! She said she will try to get a list of what little is out there. I'm really hoping there is something available. Mum could get quite a bit out of a regular day filled with day care activities and I would benefit even more from the break. Bit selfish of me maybe, but.......
  8. Trisha4

    Trisha4 Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    I am in a similar position with my husband Lavender. I tried to involve him in a solution by saying would he prefer to go somewhere he could be looked after for a few hours or have someone come into the house to be with him while I went out for a while. His answer was no I'd rather just be with you!
    I haven't cracked it yet but I'm working on it.
    Hope you get something sorted x

    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
  9. jojop

    jojop Registered User

    Nov 9, 2013
    SE London
    Not selfish at all, keeping fingers crossed they find something for your mum

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