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Omg

melz

Registered User
Mar 21, 2012
40
0
North Pembs
I am an only child, a wife, a mother of 3 and work full time, by the way, my mother has vascular dementia and lives with us. Since my father died, my mother's condition has deteriorated. She can hardly walk, but manages to reach the bathroom with a walking aid. She is mostly confused, recently very demanding of my time ('who else will help me?') and has irritated my husband so much recently that he has finally left me tonight, but not before screaming his greviance at her. What the hell do I do now?

Possibility no.1 : Do nothing. If my husband is so fed up of it all, then he needs to leave.

Possibility no.2 : Arrange a care home for mum as I soon will not be able to see to her every need. (By the way, I would have done this sooner if it wasn't for my husband who disagrees with care homes charging so much money )

Possibility no 3 : Arrange as much respite care as I can (I think I'm still due 4 weeks for this financial year. This will give me thinking time - and give everyone else time to re-evaluate the situation.)

Possibility no.4 :Get as much help for mum from community support systems as possible so she isnt so bored and dependent on me, and be irritating to others - oh no, I forgot, I HAVE been asking for help but the local phsychiatric nurse isn't answering my calls, and any local alzheimers society numbers I have obtained aren't picking up the phone. Forget that then!

Possibility 3 sounds the best option. Anyone agree, or have a better idea? Sorry If I sound harsh or sarcastic, but I've had a bad night in all!
 

Austinsmum

Registered User
Oct 7, 2012
304
0
Melton Mowbray
I am an only child, a wife, a mother of 3 and work full time, by the way, my mother has vascular dementia and lives with us. Since my father died, my mother's condition has deteriorated. She can hardly walk, but manages to reach the bathroom with a walking aid. She is mostly confused, recently very demanding of my time ('who else will help me?') and has irritated my husband so much recently that he has finally left me tonight, but not before screaming his greviance at her. What the hell do I do now?

Possibility no.1 : Do nothing. If my husband is so fed up of it all, then he needs to leave.

Possibility no.2 : Arrange a care home for mum as I soon will not be able to see to her every need. (By the way, I would have done this sooner if it wasn't for my husband who disagrees with care homes charging so much money )

Possibility no 3 : Arrange as much respite care as I can (I think I'm still due 4 weeks for this financial year. This will give me thinking time - and give everyone else time to re-evaluate the situation.)

Possibility no.4 :Get as much help for mum from community support systems as possible so she isnt so bored and dependent on me, and be irritating to others - oh no, I forgot, I HAVE been asking for help but the local phsychiatric nurse isn't answering my calls, and any local alzheimers society numbers I have obtained aren't picking up the phone. Forget that then!

Possibility 3 sounds the best option. Anyone agree, or have a better idea? Sorry If I sound harsh or sarcastic, but I've had a bad night in all!

Bad night?! Just a bit... no wonder you’re fired up.

Go for number 2 asap, and get some sanity back - to you and your (short sighted tight fisted) hubby! XXX
 

BeckyJan

Registered User
Nov 28, 2005
18,972
0
Derbyshire
You are having a bad time and it makes it worse if your husband has not coped with it all tonight. Sorry he has left you alone with the worry.

Yes, I believe No. 3 is the best option.

Sorry about the Alzheimer's Society numbers not working for you - maybe the Bank Holiday has not been a good time for them either.

Try ringing the Helpline
http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents.php?categoryID=200365
or the local office which you will find here:
http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents.php?categoryID=200121

Let us know if there is a problem with either of these as we can pass that information on.
 

grobertson62

Registered User
Mar 7, 2011
581
0
Sheffield
I would agree no 3 gives you some breathing room and an opportunity to clear your head and decide what to do next
It does sound like no 2 may be approaching tho
Im so sorry you are having to go through this and pray that you will be at peace with the decisions you make
 

jaybee51

Registered User
Jul 11, 2012
11
0
Essex
Don't let your marriage suffer because of your mother. You have reached the point where you have to put your own family and your own sanity first! I agree with you in that you should arrange immediate respite care for your mother so that you can take a step back and consider all things. No one likes paying care home fees but sometimes there is no option left. I hope your husband realises that he did a very selfish thing by walking out because you do need his support. I hope things improve for you.
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,289
0
SW London
I am so sorry you are having such a hard time - God knows it can be hard enough with a supportive family.
but having been through all this twice now, I do honestly think that when dementia care begins to impact seriously on normal family life, then it's time to think about a care home. yes, we none of us like doing it, but other people's lives - your own and those of your family -are important, too.
Do get that respite, to give you a breathing space to think about it.
 

Mamsgirl

Registered User
Jun 2, 2013
635
0
Melbourne, Australia
What Witzend said.

Perhaps use respite as a circuit breaker whilst looking into the long term care that doesn't sound to be far off.

Sadly it seems your husband, like so very many others who don't understand the stresses of caring for someone with dementia, vastly underestimated the impact and saw NH fees as unnecessary expenditure. Experience is teaching him otherwise I suspect, and it's a pretty unwelcome lesson.

Do take care of yourself,
Toni
 

1954

Registered User
Jan 3, 2013
3,835
0
Sidcup
Sorry you are going through such a terrible time. I would (and have) gone for emergency respite. Then I would go for NH. Your marriage has to come first. If my marriage was at risk then I am afraid MIL would have to go into care

Take care

By the way have you managed to speak to your husband since he walked out?

xx
 

JonathanG

Registered User
Jun 28, 2013
17
0
I think option 2 is your best long term bet, but option 3 needs to be actioned straight away.

We keep caring for them at home, hanging on for as long we think is possible, but often we keep going too long, past the point of no return, and thats when it starts to impact on the family as a whole. We can't cope any longer, tempers flare, support starts to break down.
I suggest you speak to your social worker about emergency respite. If you tell her/him that your husband has just walked out she should be able to sort something very quickly. Don't be afraid to get demanding with them.
You and your husband need a break, a chance to breath.

I'm afraid I'm with you regarding the local Alzheimers Society support. It has been almost non existent in this area thanks to continuing cutbacks

I hope you find some resolve soon.
 

melz

Registered User
Mar 21, 2012
40
0
North Pembs
Yes, I have since gone for 3 and booked emengency respite. Mum is upset and has become very stubborn, saying she will not be sent anywhere against her will. Unfortunately they cannot take her till tomorrow morn, and I have to be at work on monday, but somehow I have to get her there for all our sakes. My husband did come home, only to say the problem wasnt with my mother, it was with me, and I'm getting more like her every day. I will have a lot to consider methinks :(
 

yoyo

Registered User
Sep 22, 2012
80
0
Yes, I have since gone for 3 and booked emengency respite. Mum is upset and has become very stubborn, saying she will not be sent anywhere against her will. Unfortunately they cannot take her till tomorrow morn, and I have to be at work on monday, but somehow I have to get her there for all our sakes. My husband did come home, only to say the problem wasnt with my mother, it was with me, and I'm getting more like her every day. I will have a lot to consider methinks :(

I get that too from my husband - I think I have learned to be very straight forward and can't tolerate 'what if' If he can't stand it then its him that needs to work things out, I am the way I am because of our circumstances. As we walk this path through life we change, hopefully as partners we change together, I think that's the secret of happy marriages. I just haven't had too much time for anything else other than mum. bit like you really, hope things work out for you xx I am though waiting for assessment for mum to go into respite for a week with a view to it being long term. they should of been here at 11-30 the longer I wait the more jittery I'm becoming - stay strong x
 

melz

Registered User
Mar 21, 2012
40
0
North Pembs
Best of luck yo-yo. Nothing is easy, and staying strong is easier said than done. But it's our only hope - to believe in ourselves and to know what's best even in the ****tiest of hours ;)
 

1954

Registered User
Jan 3, 2013
3,835
0
Sidcup
I hope your mum goes into respite today as planned and things work out with your husband x
 

rosa4077

Registered User
Jun 22, 2013
24
0
scotland
Hugs from Rosa

OMG What a terrible situation you find yourself in , but without support from your husband at this so difficult time must be intolerable , stay strong no advice to give just want to give you a hug you are not alone