OMG I'm finally snapped today

[Summerheather]

My Mum has been awful the last few weeks - her sundowning has been awful. Every evening we come home, I fix her tea and then until she finally goes to bed about 9pm, but sometimes later - on and on and on about moving in with her Mum. She lives with us and has a lovely large room upstairs with settee, bed, chair - loads of stuff. She's been really aggressive and quite nasty some days, but I tend to let it fly over my head - she can't help it, it's not my mum it's Alzheimer's.

Well she has a carer in 2 a day Tues to Friday to give her breakfast and dinner. Well I came home from work and had her on me straight away - going to live with her mum, blah blah,blah blah. She'd also managed to get into the back garden and trailed mud and cat poo all through out the house.

She came down stairs after I had just finished washing the kitchen floor and started on again about moving in with her Mum again - and I just snapped 'You can't move in with your Mum, Nan is dead, she passed away years ago' OMG, I don't even know where it came from. I even repeated it to her when she asked again. And yet, it didn't even touch her, she accepted my offer of a cup of tea and that was it. And for once, it was easier this evening than it had been for weeks. I do love her, but my mum is no longer here - it's the constant aggression, sun downing, it's almost like a form of mental cruelty.

 

[1mindy]

I know from reading lots on here and from great help and advice I have been given on the forum that we shouldn't snap it isn't the person we once new its not their fault. But sometimes it just comes out as we have been pushed nearly over the edge. It is just part of this whole retched thing. Accept it happened and may well happen again we are not saints. But judging from your evening maybe something struck with your mum as you had more harmony. So some good came out of it.

 

[Bessieb]

I wouldn't worry too much Summerheather. None of us are Saints and the strain that the situation is putting on you is huge. I posted not so long ago about snapping at my Dad after he'd constantly questioned and questioned me one particular day. I snapped at him, walked out of the CH and of course felt dreadful all day. But only I remembered that....when I phoned him in the evening, feeling guilty and wanting to make sure he was OK, he had no recollection of the incident.
I'm sure your Mum won't remember you telling her your Nan is dead either. Only you will remember and of course feel guilty.
The trouble with caring for someone with AD or living with dementia is there is no leeway for the carer to have a bad day. And we all have bad days or feel a bit tired so the compassionate communication (which lets face it is an ideal but a huge effort at times) isn't always going to work!

 

[Ann Mac]

Hi Summerheather,

Firstly, we all snap on occasion - Lord knows, I've done it a number of times, often in a very similar situation to the one you have described. I don't say its a good thing to do all the time, but you know what, hun - sometimes I've found that actually letting my Mil see that she has pushed too far can get through to her in a way that all the distraction and love lies can't. And it has sometimes brought us some peace from the incessant demands for home or her parents (dead 50 years) or for her late husband - I can't say that love lies or distraction have ever worked for us when she is sundowning like that.

The other thing I want to add is that sometimes, just being truthful (not in a cross way, but firmly and kindly) can actually work. We ask Mil to 'think about what happened to your Mum/Dad/husband' - and mostly, she realises herself that they have gone. We may sometimes get a few tears, but usually she just accepts the truth without any big fuss. Even in day care, where they have increasingly had issues with Mil going on about Fil and her parents, they have found that this method can and does work with her - not all the time, but its more likely to help than love lies and distraction. It may be that she starts again, 10 minutes later, but at least you get a bit of a break - and I find that with Mil, she doesn't get as worked up and upset when we handle it in that manner.

May not work for everyone, but could be worth a try for you? xxxxx

 

[Summerheather]

Thank you guys. You know, I wasn't nasty with her yesterday but I was firm and to the point. Perhaps this is what I should be doing now, because this morning during a visit from my brother she actually asked him if her Mum was dead, and when he said 'yes' she again accepted it. I think the thing with AD is that we have to play it by ear, no one is the same, and what works with one may not work with another. I may continue to try the 'firm but honest' route for a while and see how it goes.

 

[Tray2283]

Hi there, I too have snapped at my mum& sometimes tell her she has already asked me that question& once she came at me with her stick , coming right for my eyes& I had to pull it away& I felt so terrible afterwards, of course I had to take away the stick otherwise it would have been a nasty injury. The thing is we are not trained for this& even the calmest of people are pushed over the edge in stressful day to day situations, it's called being human. Please forgive yourself, you are doing your best& these things are usually forgotten by the dementia sufferer. This disease takes away our loved ones & we can only do our best.
Take some time out if you can or see the humour , hard I know, but that's what I try to do. As the repetitive questions, I just take a breath& answer them or change the subject. X



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[hvml]

Hiya. I can totally identify with the snapping thing. Sometimes you just get so tired that you can't keep up the even tone of voice. When I speak more impatiently than normal, my Dad spends the whole afternoon asking if I am cross with him. It makes you feel so guilty, not to mention even more stressed. I have found that distraction techniques, more specifically going out for a walk with the wheelchair, the only thing to take his mind off it. Smiling and keeping an even keel are the ideal, but a firm, honest retort is sometimes necessary and can do the trick for a while. X