1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. Loiner

    Loiner Registered User

    Oct 29, 2005
    73
    Leeds, UK
    Rant time

    My brother just rang me, I rang him last nite but he was out, returning the call.
    My brother, 2 yrs younger than me and a psychiatric unit manager is a total bleep bleep
    I was just ringing him to keep him informed, he's always made it clear its all on my shoulders, he has a life and won't help |( his words )
    I filled him in on this week and he said, " I think you should of put her in a home months ago"
    God that makes me so angry.
    After all the things mum did for him, even when he was grown up, and as far as he is concerned she is a non entity, an inconvienience.
    I think I need to find some old crockery to break

    hugs David

    End of rant
     
  2. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Big hug for you David. Can quite understand the anger. It is so hard when you are trying to do the best for your loved one, and other members of the family not only do not help, but seem to discourage.
    Chin up David. Connie
     
  3. EllieS

    EllieS Registered User

    Aug 23, 2005
    170
    SOMERSET
    Ditto

    Dear David

    I know EXACTLY what you must be feeling.

    My brother (3 years older) just doesn't want to know about Mum and hasn't really since (and really before) Dad died.

    To be honest he oganised Dad's funeral and started to to sort out probate but ended up not having the time so I offered to do it for him. At first I kept him up to date with where I was at but after months I began to realise that the only responses I ever received were negatives or criticisms. He then proceeded to blame me for absolutely everything that had gone wrong in his life (apparently I lost him all his girlfriends all those years ago etc etc) - he actually made me a mental wreck because I take things seriously and really tried to know what he was talking about. Fortunately, I have a long term friend (I'm 55 and we went to infant school together) and she knew us fairly well - and she told me I was being silly to take any notice of it because it was rubbish! I also saw a counsellor who got me through it. I could have done without all of this because Mum was going through bad patches at the time and it wasn't long after Dad's death.

    Sorry, I'm going off on one.......

    To cut a long story short, I no longer have any contact with my brother at all - anything he should know is done through the Solicitor, and I keep in close touch with Mum's sisters with regard to Mum herself so IF he wants to know anything he talks to them - 99% of the time they ring him to update him though.

    Since I've cut myself off from him my head is much much better - I still get sad sometimes that my only brother is not a brother and I do still love him and sometimes get very concerned about him because I think he must have some problems himself. But when I get these thoughts I stop - like now - over / finished / out!

    Who's important in my life - MUM, then ME, then my family.

    Who's important in your life: YOUR MUM, then YOU, then your family.

    Don't let the b-----d get to you at all. Do what you have to do - your conscience will be clear and hopefully (aren't I nasty) what goes around will come around!

    YOU are a good person!

    Very best wishes

    Ellie
     
  4. lou lou

    lou lou Registered User

    Nov 9, 2005
    46
    London
    Dear David,

    I share your irritation. I have three brothers only one of whom goes to visit my mother occasionally.

    I've been looking after my mum for some years and for a long time tried explaining to my brothers about her decline. Of course the only time they ever saw her were on social occasions when I would get her to have her hair done put on her nice clothes and at family gatherings she could trade on her old memories to talk to people. I don't think they ever understood about the burden of caring for my mother. My own fault really for being a woman and having trained as a nurse, naturally it should all fall to me.

    Things came to a head earlier this year. I had gone on holiday leaving my mum in the capable hands of carers and didtrict nurses. I had to return home from Peru after 5 days because my mother in law died suddenly, then the cat died and then I got a phone call from my brother to say mum had had a fall at home and had been taken to hospital. Where she remained for 5 weeks as I became ill myself and ended up with several weeks off work with an unstable blood pressure problem.( not surprising really)

    It was clear to me then that she could no longer be maintained at home but despite the dementia the doctor said she was of a sound enough mind to make the decision to go home. Of course she wanted to go home but she could no longer be left even for the few hours between carers visits and certainly not overnight. (Actually my youngest brother did come up trumps here and wrote a very strong letter to the consultant regarding sending mum home to an unsafe environment)

    She had a brilliant social worker who clearly articulated mums needs were more medical( Diabetes, angina, scoliosis of the spine, severe arthritis, diverticulitis and problems with her blood pressure) and not just residential care but it was the OT who came up trumps after the home assessment where she was clearly able to see that my mother didn't know the way around her own home, couldn't identify the commode beside her bed eventually offering them a wicker basket as her commode. Also that she was hallucinating seeings things that weren't there.

    So she ended up going to a nursing care home and never went back to her house. When the decision was made for her to stay there permanently she had to give up the tenancy on her home and I had to sort through her things and empty the house out. It was a desparately unhappy time mum was very vocal about wanting to go home and it broke my heart every time I had to walk away from her after a visit which I used to do most evenings after work. At the same time having to sort out her belongings, not one of my brothers ever came over to help ( added to this I also have a demanding full time job). Also I'd just been through the trauma of having to empty my mother in laws house.

    On another thread I read about old wounds opening up in the face of a diagnosis of AD and the truth was I had a very poor relationship with my mother when I was younger. She was always inordinately proud that she had 4 sons and one daughter and I was left in no doubt about my role in the pecking order of her affections. She idolised her boys ( especially my oldest brother her "first born" who unfortunately committed suicide a couple of years ago) but I was just a girl who would get married and have babies so didn't need an education etc.

    How great an injustice it feels then to end up as her main carer. The only gratification is that before her cognitive abilities were so impaired she said to me once " I wish now that I had 4 daughters and one son"

    Like you David I soldier on despite my brothers apparent lack of interest. I feel really guilty about her needing to be in nursing care but I know I did everything I could and if I hadn't have been able to be there she would have been in nursing care 4 or 5 years ago.
    I love my brothers dearly but I so wish they were closer to mum maybe I wouldn't feel so overburdened.

    Anyway a big cyber hug headed for you.
     
  5. Loiner

    Loiner Registered User

    Oct 29, 2005
    73
    Leeds, UK
    ty for the hugs
    yeah, i was taken ill 3yrs ago and rushed to casualty, my bro was in town and i called him to see to mum, he did it, but when the hospital wanted to admit me for tests (i didnt know about social workers then and what they could do)
    he flew off the handle, said it was my job not his and he was leaving and put down the phone.
    I had to discharge against medical advice and go home, mum was just disabled with arthritis then, but it made me mad he'd left her.
    Wasn't till a few weeks later when i collapsed that i found out about social workers etc :)
     
  6. Lulu

    Lulu Registered User

    Nov 28, 2004
    391
    Dear Ellie. Oh how I understand!! Have just read this thread, after having a bit of a downer about the way things are.

    When Dad died, I felt sorry for my brother as he worked awkward hours. We were supposed to organise the funeral together as Mum was struggling, (we didn't know at the time that it was AD), but he never showed up until late afternoon as he had been using the time for DIY in his house, then would be sarcastic that I had gone ahead with things without him. I then offered to do the Probate etc which he agreed to. He did nothing but complain, critisise, worrying that I may do something against him, being 'in charge' of our doting parents estate. He went as far as to get a solicitor himself to check that what we were doing was right! We tried to keep Mum's intersts at heart -andalways what Mum and Dad had intended.. He was just thinking of himself. The trouble this caused made Mum vomit one afternoon following a phonecall he made, and I just couldn't BELIEVE it was happening! He too seems to have problems with me from the past -all came as a terrible shock, I had no idea he was harbouring so much ill-feeling, but which explained why he never, ever thanked me for birthday cards, presents etc. I had no idea he felt so little, and he told me he couldn't care less if I never contacted him again.
    Even so, for Dad's sake, and Mum's, I tried (still trying) to do what is right. I became ill actually, and started with palpitations at the time, and still get them in bad times. Mum had by then forgotten, so I am the one bearing everyone's pain. Oh, how I understand ....

    I still try to keep him informed, but he sounds disinterested, and when I tell him how it really is, he just blames me for taking it on. I should really just let it go, forget him, as it hurts so much to think Dad is dead, Mum is struggling so much, and he just doesn't care. Mum sees him in a different light, she has forgotten what happened, and I am left with all this. Dad would be so angry to know, after a lifetime of hard work on our behalf. Whilst we were doing the funeral, probate, getting Mum diagnised, moving her from her home 100 miles away to live close to me, he was himself selling and moving home. Always critisising, but we are still not sorted in our lives through all this, whilst he has his new home, complete with all decoration/alteration finished. He never comes up. Just phones Mum once a week. Blames me for 'taking her away', making it difficult for him!!

    I wish I could put one of your paragraphs in a box, like Bruce and co. do, but don't know how. The one starting, 'SINCE I CUT MYSELF OFF' .... I think the same! And the important people, MUM, ME AND THE FAMILY. YES, YES, YES!!!

    This has made me feel so much better, you wouldn't believe!! LOU LOU also. So many comparisons .....

    As if coping with this disease isn't enough, without all the hassle. You know what, if people wish to find out how Mum is in future, they must ask me. I will not track them down any longer. LULU

    ps how do you put the boxes of text from one post into another, please?
     
  7. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Technical tip...

    Hi Lulu

    whenever you want to put a quote in a box, the picture below shows what text to use.
     

    Attached Files:

  8. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Technical tip #2

    To do text in bold, do as per the picture below
     

    Attached Files:

  9. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    639
    West Sussex
    David Ellie Lulu,

    Me too, similar problems with my brother who I always thought loved us as much as we did him, apparently he never really gave a damn about any of us, including his two children.

    I still love him to bits, but can't stand the person he has turned into. I have minimal contact and it is less painful that way.

    But I don't let him get to me any more, its Mum, Me and Mine, and his loss.

    He will be one lonely old man one day.

    Kathleen
    xx
     
  10. Mjaqmac

    Mjaqmac Registered User

    Mar 13, 2004
    939
    Lioner

    I too have had similar problems with my 3 siblings, they have caused me so much heartache and irritation, I just couldn't put it into words.

    You're not alone. This seems to be a very familiar story with this illness it, fragments families and it is not easily fixed, even after my mum's death the Alz legacy continues. Sad but true.
     
  11. Loiner

    Loiner Registered User

    Oct 29, 2005
    73
    Leeds, UK
    yeah, i love my bro but don't like him and I think after mum is gone the little contact I do have will be gone as he's only slightly concerned about mum, not me at all

    david

    P.S. if anyone is wondering about my nick, it comes from the roman name for Leeds, Loidis, it then changed for ppl boen in leeds to Loiner, so thats what it means, a person from Leeds :)
     
  12. twink

    twink Registered User

    Oct 28, 2005
    265
    Cambridgeshire UK
    loiner

    My Mum is a Leeds Loiner too. I was born in Leeds, do you have to live there for a certain number of years before you are 'allowed' to call yourself a Leeds Loiner??

    My husbands parents are both dead and his sister was always very bossy and fell out with everyone including her Mum and step dad (and us) so now they've gone, we don't have any contact at all with her. Shame but she was such a cow! Doesn't matter if they are family or not to me, if they cause problems and hurt you they don't deserve you.

    Twink/Sue
     
  13. Loiner

    Loiner Registered User

    Oct 29, 2005
    73
    Leeds, UK
    afaik anyone born in leeds is a loiner, as to ppl born anywhere and living in leeds, i dunno, but tbh not heard anyone say anything but someone born here is a loiner
     
  14. twink

    twink Registered User

    Oct 28, 2005
    265
    Cambridgeshire UK
    loiner

    Well I am one then! Was born there and moved just a few miles up the road when I was two. Thought you had to live there all your life to be one!!

    Just thought I'd ask.

    Sue
     

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