Oh the joys of being the daughter!

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,044
cornwall
I saw dad in Sainsbury’s the day before yesterday and met him and his carer for lunch.(It was my birthday)It’s an opportunity for him to get out and have lunch and do his shopping. He seems to be enjoying it (but you can never tell).As I find him too heavy with the ramp etc which is why the carers are doing it.
I went and saw him yesterday and a complete turn around. As usual I’m the whipping girl!He wasn’t best pleased that the nurse has come and taken more blood. They have stopped his Metformin because of his declining kidneys.They are looking at his Vitamin B12 as they are concerned he might be anemic. So I explained this again. Then it was the “I’m bored”! I explained he could go out to daycare and the home he stayed in for respite but he didn’t want to be with “old people “.I told him that I haven’t booked him in for his usual monthly bath as he continually moans about it.Then it was the “Barclay “saga and about how they have money for him.So I phoned the number I had given him and we didn’t get passed first base.(He doesn’t have an account with them)Dad was practically jumping out of his chair by the time I had explained this..again.Then onto the car and how it was my fault as I had taken his license away.I informed him the doctor told DVLA as he’d had a stroke .Also his license had expired! He said he could drive the car as automatic.(It is at my mum’s house in her garage)At that stage the cleaner said to him it was the doctor not me as it was a requirement.He still wasn’t having it.I had decided by that point I was going home as I hadn’t been home for 2days. I stay at mums during the week to see them both.
His personality definitely hasn’t changed it is still the same but has become more pronounced with time and his dementia. There is only so much compassionate communication I can do with him..His health is worse than his dementia..
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
473
here is only so much compassionate communication I can do with him
Hi @TNJJ, that sounds like a frustrating and extremely tiring day. It is so difficult to deal with the emotional baggage of it all. He seems to remember those things rather well, and I guess you are in the dementia loop on those unfortunately - the same discussions over and over again. I don't have any words of wisdom really, all you can do is try not to take it to heart (easier said than done!), take a break, off load on the forum and face it again another day. Stay strong - I hope you have some support around you too. All the best
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,351
Kent
On the days when I knew I couldn`t win @TNJJ I walked away.

You are not there to be shouted at or disagreed with no matter how hard you try.

Even at his worst and when I knew my husband couldn`t help himself I gave him a cooling-off period, told him I didn`t deserve to be spoken to in that way and walked away.

Nine times out of ten, when I returned it was easier.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
481
Yorkshire
Sounds like a really hard day and it sounds like you tried really hard with your dad but it doesnt seem to matter what we say at those times does it. Its soul destroying I find. I'm not good at the compassionate communication, or my mum isn't , I'm not sure which of us it is but it rarely works with mum. If she's in a loop she's in it and nothing I do breaks it.
She's always been a worrier, on the negative side and likes to have her say without anyone saying otherwise and dementia seems to have increased those traits. I hate seeing her agitated and anxious and upset and also struggle being on the end of it constantly. She has been calmer this week on sertraline but I think the worrying is creeping back a bit.
Wish I had something helpful to say, but if you've read my posts you'll know I have no helpful tips unfortunately, but just wanted to sympathise and send a hug ( x )
 

Tragicuglyducky

Registered User
Apr 4, 2016
65
Oh big hugs TNJJ! I wonder if sons get it in the neck the way some of us daughters do? Men, please comment! I’d like to know!

My dad is not an English speaker, culturally, the daughter is worthless, but as the eldest I always did more than my brother (throughout my life I was always told I should know better). I did the lions share of the translating work, worked the most hours and learned to cook etc. My dad leans on me most, I’m always asked to do this and do that. But I’m also blamed for things going missing, reorganising his kitchen, reorganising his bedroom and clothes. He complains to me all the time and calls me a busy body because I try to organise extra care visits, take him to appointments etc. I’ve learned to let a lot of it wash over me, I’ve been quite surprised lately how little it hurts me now. I’ve learned at some point to protect myself. I think the way he treats me actually indicates my huge worth to him, even if he doesn’t know it, even without dementia. I think he can be most honest with me, he turns to me for things because I think I’m actually at the top of his priority list. He calls me a disappointment but actually I think it’s an indication of how capable I am and have been. At least this is what I tell myself. I hope you find ways of letting that kind of stuff wash over you xx
 

Jale

Registered User
Jul 9, 2018
385
I sympathise with you - I'm Mum's whipping girl - she goes on constantly about her son, and all that he does (ha that's a joke), some days I can take it, others I can't and usually go home in tears. Take care and sending some hugs your way if you want them