OH panics waiting for me at the ladies

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Chrismitch, Dec 17, 2015.

  1. Chrismitch

    Chrismitch Registered User

    Jun 23, 2011
    127
    Time and time again my OH is in a panic or is livid or has disappeared when I reappear after 2 or 3 minutes at the loo. What can I do? He phones me or tells people I've gone missing, accuses me of being away for an age. I explain carefully that he must stay put, but he wanders off looking for me.
    Any thoughts?
     
  2. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,437
    You might not want to do this, but have you thought of getting a RADAR key and using the disabled bathroom and taking him in with you. Or is that a step too far when it comes to both of your comfort levels? Alternatively, get him on the phone and keep him on when you are in there so that you can continue to reassure him?
     
  3. LynneMcV

    LynneMcV Volunteer Moderator

    May 9, 2012
    3,598
    south-east London
    I am in a similar situation with my husband. Fortunately I haven't got 'caught short' while out and about with him yet, but it became apparent to me in the summer that I would be having trouble if the situation did arise. I just know that he would wander off.
    It also became clear that he would struggle in a public loo himself.
    Last month I purchased a RADAR key for disabled loos - primarily for my husband - but peace of mind for me too, knowing that I can keep him with me too.
    We haven't had to put it to use for either one of us yet, but it does make me feel a bit happier to know it is there.
    As Jennifer has said though, that might be a step to far for you at this stage.
     
  4. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,705
    Female
    Dundee
    I had to come to that decision some time ago, even before Bill reached the stage he is at now. It took me a while to be comfortable with it but needs must.
     
  5. pamann

    pamann Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    2,635
    Kent
    I had the same problem with my hubby a year ago, he started to get very agitated if l left him just for a few mins, he did wander off, could not find him, then luckily l saw a friend who had just seen him in M & S! l found him what a relief. I had to stop taking him out as his health deteriorated, Radar key is the answer.
     
  6. Grace L

    Grace L Registered User

    Jun 14, 2014
    647
    NW UK
    I had a RADAR key for my husband. I also used general disabled toilets too.
    If I was desperate for the loo, he was with me. Not ideal , but needs must.


    Having a problem with MiL at the mo, she tends to wander off (goodness me she is quick)
    if left outside a loo, in shops, public , coffee shops .... anywhere.
    She's not got a RADAR key and refuses to use one , tried and given up that idea.

    If there is someone next to us at a table (coffee shop) I leave her chatting.
    At least I know she will be OK for a few minutes

    Will not go in toilet with MiL (if it gets to that stage), I can 'hold it' if I have to.
     
  7. NanLorac

    NanLorac Registered User

    May 14, 2012
    686
    Female
    Scotland
    I have been taking my hubby to the loo since September. If we are in a cafe I can leave him at the table while I pop into the ladies. If we are in a shopping centre or supermarket we both go into the disabled toilet.

    If I left him on his own outside the toilets and someone passed and smiled or he had to move to let them pass, then he would forget where I was and wander off. I think you get to a point where its safer to keep them with you at all time when your out.
     
  8. Chrismitch

    Chrismitch Registered User

    Jun 23, 2011
    127
    Brilliant! Thanks. That's what I'll do. Isn't TP great. Each stage, however small the decline, brings another challenge, but someone on here has been there and can pass on advice.
     
  9. Trisha4

    Trisha4 Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    2,440
    Yorkshire
    I thought RADAR keys were only issued to people registered disabled but this thread suggests you can purchase them. This would make life easier for us so I will investigate further.


    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
     
  10. Essie

    Essie Registered User

    Feb 11, 2015
    563
  11. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,725
    Female
    London
  12. Casbow

    Casbow Registered User

    Sep 3, 2013
    995
    Colchester
    I agree with what everyone has said. I have a radar key. At least I can get him in there to go. If I send him in the Mens loos he is out again so quick that I know he hasn't been. When I say anything he says that there's "other people in there". As for me going its impossible to ask him to wait outside as in less than 1 minute he has forgotton and wandered off. I have learnt to hold on for a very long time. On the subject of 'other people' he often won't go at home because of all the others there. What a carryon.!
     
  13. sford91

    sford91 Registered User

    Nov 4, 2015
    112
    Do we need to apply for RADAR keys/ make anyone aware if we buy 1/. Also does anybody know any good websites I can buy things for mums house, such as a fridge alarm, when she forgets to shut fridge or water alarm if she over flows the sink etc?
     
  14. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,725
    Female
    London
    What do you mean apply? You just buy one. Then you use it whenever you need it.

    If you need gadgets to make life easier for your Mum, your first contact should be telecare via Social Services. I don't know about fridge alarms but they can tell you what they could provide you with for free, like trackers or door alarms.
     
  15. Grace L

    Grace L Registered User

    Jun 14, 2014
    647
    NW UK
    You can buy RADAR keys from Age UK , much cheaper than some places online.

    I think ? even our local key cutters has a supply of them.
     
  16. NanLorac

    NanLorac Registered User

    May 14, 2012
    686
    Female
    Scotland
    I got a Radar key free from the council office. I had to show take a copy of a letter showing my husband received DLA.
     
  17. motherlily

    motherlily Registered User

    Apr 22, 2014
    8
    South Wales, UK
    Radar Key

    Thank you for starting this thread. The responses you have received has helped me. At present I have to leave my husband outside and so am constantly in a rush and feel panic if there is a queue, so I will track down a radar key. :)xx
     
  18. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,705
    Female
    Dundee
    I got one from the Council - I think it was the attendance allowance letter I showed. I bought extras to give to brother, carers etc -

    http://www.amazon.co.uk/s/?ie=UTF8&...vptwo=&hvqmt=b&hvdev=t&ref=pd_sl_5przhcp5y0_b
     
  19. Trisha4

    Trisha4 Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    2,440
    Yorkshire
    This has been helpful to me too. Thanks folks


    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
     

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