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OH in respite

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,829
0
South coast
You are right @Grannie G , Im not relaxed. Yesterday in particular was incredibly stressful, but I have managed to do some things that I wouldnt have been able to with OH here.
Ill try and have a quiet day today.
 

GillP

Registered User
Aug 11, 2021
1,708
0
Well done @canary on driving to town, parking and sorting your phone out! I hate things like this. Although stressful to do, you have now done it!

Try to do something more enjoyable today. It’s good to get things done but it’s also, as you know, important to recharge the batteries.

I also usually rise at 6am. - a legacy of my working life which I can rarely break. My solution is simply to go to bed earlier - something I could not do before my husband went into residential care. When I wake I treat myself to a cup of Coffee in bed, put the radio on and read a chapter or two. Sometimes I even find I doze off again!
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
4,998
0
Nottinghamshire
I'm so glad you faced down your demons and got into town yesterday @canary. I'd spend today doing the sort of nice things you can't do with your husband around if you can.
As for the home saying nice things about your OH, I think that goes with the territory, in that homes try to reassure family that their loved ones are in safe hands . I'm always being told how fun my mother can be etc etc, something that I don't really see. It will be interesting to see what the manager makes of your husband's abilities at the end of the stay.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
76,273
0
Kent
Good morning @canary.

As your two week respite comes to an end I was just wondering how you are and if the second week has been more successful than the first week in helping you to relax.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
7,933
0
Essex
Good morning @canary.

As your two week respite comes to an end I was just wondering how you are and if the second week has been more successful than the first week in helping you to relax.
Same here @canary.

MaNaAk

PS: It's horrible to say this but I remember dreading dad's respite coming to an end so I hope you're okay.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,829
0
South coast
Hi Sylvia and MaNaAk, thank you for asking. It been a mixed bag. The sorting out of my mobile and contract has not gone as smoothly as I had anticipated - my number wasnt ported across, the mobile would only do emergency called, I couldnt get it to download my contacts... and the contract, far from being in both our names (as OH had told me was the case) was in his name only. The mobile took several stressy phone calls and then another visit to the shop, but I think its OK now. The contract was harder to sort out because they wouldnt speak to me and OH is completely deaf now and cant use the phone (and I doubt he would remember the security questions). I think I resolved this by prompting OH in using the "chat" option in our on-line account, but I am far from certain. I has taken up much of my time and was certainly not relaxing, but there is no way I could have managed it if OH was at home.

On the plus side, I have managed a couple of nice things. Daughter came to visit on Monday with her son (now 14 months old) who is a delight and I could spend proper quality time with them without most of my brain being on OH and having to regularly deal with him. We visited him in the care home and she approved of the place, so we are all agreed, which is good.

Ive also managed to mooch around a local town, which OH hates, and had lunch there without fretting about whether they did GF food for him and Ive also spent a relaxing time at a local nature, sitting in the hides and watching the birds. OH has no patience now and considers this boring, so just wants to go home, but I found it relaxing without him. Today our village is holding a "Fun Day" on the green. OH would find it too overwhelming to go and I would have to give it a miss, but instead, I can go and catch up with people in the village who I havent seen since the beginning of the pandemic. It will indeed be fun
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
67,136
0
71
Dundee
A mixed week for you @canary.

I’m glad you did have some nice time to yourself though. Enjoy today. It sounds great!
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
12,551
0
Southampton
Hi Sylvia and MaNaAk, thank you for asking. It been a mixed bag. The sorting out of my mobile and contract has not gone as smoothly as I had anticipated - my number wasnt ported across, the mobile would only do emergency called, I couldnt get it to download my contacts... and the contract, far from being in both our names (as OH had told me was the case) was in his name only. The mobile took several stressy phone calls and then another visit to the shop, but I think its OK now. The contract was harder to sort out because they wouldnt speak to me and OH is completely deaf now and cant use the phone (and I doubt he would remember the security questions). I think I resolved this by prompting OH in using the "chat" option in our on-line account, but I am far from certain. I has taken up much of my time and was certainly not relaxing, but there is no way I could have managed it if OH was at home.

On the plus side, I have managed a couple of nice things. Daughter came to visit on Monday with her son (now 14 months old) who is a delight and I could spend proper quality time with them without most of my brain being on OH and having to regularly deal with him. We visited him in the care home and she approved of the place, so we are all agreed, which is good.

Ive also managed to mooch around a local town, which OH hates, and had lunch there without fretting about whether they did GF food for him and Ive also spent a relaxing time at a local nature, sitting in the hides and watching the birds. OH has no patience now and considers this boring, so just wants to go home, but I found it relaxing without him. Today our village is holding a "Fun Day" on the green. OH would find it too overwhelming to go and I would have to give it a miss, but instead, I can go and catch up with people in the village who I havent seen since the beginning of the pandemic. It will indeed be fun
its good you had some nice days. spending time with your daughter and grandson. they are interesting at that age. enjoy today and seeing other people. pain about the phone.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
76,273
0
Kent
It`s not as good as I’d have wished for you @canary but at least you had some pleasure. It`s so hard to wind down when you’ve been used o having so little time for yourself.

These contracts!!!! They are so easy to enter but so complicated to change. Quite unethical when you think about it
 

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
17,541
0
68
Toronto, Canada
@canary Although it may not have been as relaxing as you would have liked, at least you got things accomplished. You also know that you can repeat this later on. It also bodes well for permanent care, should that become an option for you.
 

nita

Registered User
Dec 30, 2011
2,420
0
Essex
As regards the difficulty accessing contracts in your husband's name, @canary , do you hold Power of Attorney for him and could you use the LPA to get control of these accounts, especially as he isn't capable of managing them any more.

I too wish you could have had more time to enjoy yourself but I realise there are also important things to sort out when you do have the time.

If he is happy to go into respite, can you book a break for the future so you'll have something to look forward to?
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,829
0
South coast
Yes, I have had some nice times and the fun day was indeed fun - I met up with so many people who I have not seen for a long time. The only downside was that everyone asked after OH and were surprised when I said that he was in respite.

Yes @Canadian Joanne , I am hoping that OH will be able to go back on a fairly regular basis and yes, although I havent expressed it out loud, I had indeed had the though that if/when he needs somewhere permanent this might indeed be the place for him.
 

GillP

Registered User
Aug 11, 2021
1,708
0
Yes, I have had some nice times and the fun day was indeed fun - I met up with so many people who I have not seen for a long time. The only downside was that everyone asked after OH and were surprised when I said that he was in respite.

Yes @Canadian Joanne , I am hoping that OH will be able to go back on a fairly regular basis and yes, although I havent expressed it out loud, I had indeed had the though that if/when he needs somewhere permanent this might indeed be the place for him.
I’m pleased to note that although stressful and time consuming that you got things sorted out. So glad that you have had time with family and friends. It’s so important to make those connections.

People are surprised when they first hear of changes in circumstances, largely I suppose because they don’t always fully understand what we do when looking after our loved ones.

Hopefully you feel confident to have periods of respite in future.

Enjoy the rest of the afternoon and evening.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
4,998
0
Nottinghamshire
Good to know you have somewhere your husband can return to @canary, and that though it might not have been relaxing you got some things done and were able to enjoy yourself too.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
12,551
0
Southampton
i suppose that after all the years of caring for your OH, its going to take more than 2 weeks to be able to learn to relax again. its a hard habit to break but if you can have regular respites, you will get use to relaxing and doing more things for yourself. at least you dont have to worry about care.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,829
0
South coast
Hi @GillP and @Jaded'n'faded
I have been having techie problems and could not get onto the internet. All fixed now though, so Im back. Gosh I have missed everyone.

OH took a few days to settle back. He had forgotten that he was no longer able to shave himself - the home did it for him each day, and boy did they do a good job, but as soon as he got back he insisted on shaving himself, did it before the carers arrived and hacked his face to bits 😒 so we are back to the bloody sheets (in all senses of the word)...

When I collected him on Monday I was amused to see written on his white board "We dont want you to go. Please stay" and he said he had enjoyed himself. The manager popped in to check everything was OK and to say goodbye to OH. She asked if he would like to come again and he nodded with a big grin on his face, so Im thinking "yes, yes!! Whoop, whoop!!!"

By now, of course, he has forgotten most of what happened and I heard the carer ask him if he had enjoyed himself there and he replied "well, it was all right, but there were lots of things I didnt like" .............. 😖 damn... I hope I can persuade him again.
 

update2020

Registered User
Jan 2, 2020
275
0
Wow. Sounds really successful. I never had that much success with respite care with my OH. First time he broke out taking another resident with him - that occasion lasted 90 minutes instead of 3 days. Second time he did stay a fortnight but only with people going in and taking him out all day, nearly every day. A third time was impossible to organise and eventually we had to choose full time care instead. I never really knew what he felt because he’d got beyond that kind of meaningful conversation.

So you’ve both done incredibly well. Hats off to you. I definitely think you should repeat. And I’m not surprised you found it hard to relax and enjoy. I think that once you’ve committed to such an ‘extreme’ level of care it is very hard to unwind, making further opportunities to practice even more important.