OH Going into Respite Tomorrow

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Guzelle, Aug 24, 2019.

  1. Guzelle

    Guzelle Registered User

    Aug 27, 2016
    366
    Sheffield
    My OH is going into respite for the first time tomorrow because I am having an eye operation. I haven’t told him as I know he will refuse to go! I feel so guilty but have no choice! He knows I am having an operation but has forgotten when. He has told me he can look after himself which I know he cannot! He can hardly do anything now. I can’t see him settling he is in there for one week.

    How have others gone on with respite? He has vascular dementia and Alzheimer’s. He can be abusive when not getting his own way!

    He has gone downhill a lot in the last 6 weeks I did wonder if he is now ready for permanent care as he is getting so difficult to look after.
     
  2. NORTHSIDE

    NORTHSIDE Registered User

    Jan 28, 2017
    80
    Male
    Northumberland
    Hi, My wife has Alzheimer's and went into respite for the first time for a week a couple of months ago . I had grave misgivings beforehand and felt terribly guilty, but was at a point where I was desperately tired and at the end of my tether, like your husband she can be very abusive when things don't suit her.

    She had been to the home once before for an assessment (disguised as a nice place to go for a coffee). I didn't tell her she was going to stay there until we arrived and I started to unpack, it was pointless to say anything before hand as she would have forgotten almost instantly. She settled almost immediately, I think leaving was much harder for me than it was for her.

    I called in a couple of times during the week to see her and everything was fine. In fact we sat for an hour, chatted, held hands, it was probably the nicest time we have had together for a few years. No pressure or tension on either side.

    When I picked her up it took a bit of persuading to get her to come back with me, but within ten minutes of being home she had forgotten completely about ever having been away and had settled back in to her usual routine.

    I hope things go as smoothly for you and wish you well.
     
  3. Guzelle

    Guzelle Registered User

    Aug 27, 2016
    366
    Sheffield
    Thanks. Hopefully he will settle but I am very anxious.
     
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,360
    Kent
    Of course you are anxious Guzelle. Unfortunately, there is no alternative. Your OH can`t look after himself and would most likely come to harm if he tried.

    Try to keep this in your mind if you can. You have an operation to get through and it`s important you know your OH is being cared for so you can concentrate on getting better.

    We are so protective of our people with dementia because we care so much. We also need to care for ourselves too.

    Best wishes for successful surgery and best wishes for a successful respite.
     
  5. Guzelle

    Guzelle Registered User

    Aug 27, 2016
    366
    Sheffield
    thank you @Grannie G. Hopefully he will settle. It’s the deceit that feels bad having to lie to get him there!
     
  6. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,360
    Kent
    I know.
     
  7. pevensey

    pevensey Registered User

    Feb 14, 2012
    139
    Female
    Eastbourne
    My hubby has vascular dementia too and hes gone downhill a lot in the past 4 months, hes always said he would never go into respite ever, when I suggested it as I wanted to visit my sister who had been I'll and she lives about 4 hrs drive away, he said he would rather die !! That was 8 months ago. But a few weeks ago I got my GP to come a d talk to him so he could see how he had deteriorated and tell him how tired and stressed I was,he said to my hubby straight away that he needed to go to care home for few weeks to give me a rest, I thought he would refuse as soon as he said it but he just said he would think about it, the GP told him he needs to go ASAP and hubby agreed, I was shocked. He went quite happily my daughter drove us there, I was a nervous wreck. He stayed there 5 weeks. He never ever asked when he was coming home, he just accepted that he was meant to be there, although he didnt really like it and he got a bit paranoid about strange things. He thought he was staying there for good and wouldn't believe me when I kept telling him otherwise.Hes home now and still thinks hes going back there for good. But like you Guzelle, I often think of him really going into care permanently. Hes getting very difficult and tiring to care for now, I feel so drained and frustrated all the time, I cry a lot in secret and I really don't want my last hopefully 10 yrs to be like this, I'm nearly 78 and we've been married 57 yrs, but if hasn't been all Rose's and I left him twice and only came back the 2nd time e because of his diagnosis of dementia. He was very difficult to live with, and I do begrudge it sometimes how my life is now and that makes me feel so very guilty.. BUT YES, he went into respite quite happily which I was very shocked about and stayed there an extra couple of weeks. So please, try not to worry Gazelle and make sure you relax and rest a do what you like to do whenever you want to and don't make the mistake I made by visiting him too often. As someone said on here, its NOT respite if you keep putting yourself out to visit everyday. Take care and try not to worry,
     
  8. Jenni_B

    Jenni_B Registered User

    Aug 24, 2019
    51
    Female
    France
    Good luck, Guzelle. Please tell us how it goes. And best wishes for your eye op.
     
  9. Guzelle

    Guzelle Registered User

    Aug 27, 2016
    366
    Sheffield
    Thanks I will xx
     
  10. Grahamstown

    Grahamstown Registered User

    Jan 12, 2018
    1,331
    East of England
    @Guzelle I sympathise so much, because my man is going for a respite stay again in a few weeks time and I am already having to steel myself. Taking anyone to stay where they haven’t chosen and we have had to make the decision is very anxious making, so please try to stay strong even while you suffer because it’s your only option to have your treatment. It’s a no-win situation and we who are still well, have to bear it.
     
  11. Juba

    Juba Registered User

    Jul 27, 2019
    17
    I really feel for you Guzelle. After a crisis with my partner earlier this year when I really couldn't cope any more, I've booked some respite care for him in late October.

    We did manage to deal with this initial crisis thanks to medication (namely, respiridone) and this has helped us manage at home and I've also been meeting regularly with a Carer Support Worker who has been great in helping us to get ideas of things we can do together and also day care options. He goes to day care one day a week now which is great as I get 5 hours to myself - a real blessing. She is also encouraging me to build a care plan and put things in place should things start to go wrong again and this is why I've planned the care. I know some day we both will need it and I'm hoping a short stay now and again might help make any longer term move a bit easier.

    In my mind I keep not thinking about it and thinking that when push comes to shove I wont be able to do it but then I know that I need to have some time to emotionally 'recover' and just be me. You're in a situation where you have no choice and that must be super hard - at the moment I do. I really hope that you can have your treatment and that your mind can be at rest knowing your husband will be cared for. Some of the replies to your posting have filled me with some hope that respite care can work on a short-term basis. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you.
     
  12. northumbrian_k

    northumbrian_k Registered User

    Mar 2, 2017
    755
    Male
    Newcastle
    #12 northumbrian_k, Aug 25, 2019
    Last edited: Aug 25, 2019
    I went through the respite phase for about 8 months before my wife moved into residential care, starting with short 3, 4 and 6 night stays, building up to the full 10 nights that I needed to cover the time I was away on holiday over Easter. I don't think that I ever felt guilty because without the respite things would have got much worse more quickly. But I did have trepidation the first time, thinking that she would hate it. Her usual day support carer dropped her off whilst I went out on my bike as I usually did on a Thursday. This avoided me having to tell her beforehand, which would have served no purpose and been counter-productive.

    When I picked her up at the end of her first 3 night stay I was expecting to get the full force of her fury but she was calm and unconcerned. By the time we got home she had forgotten that she had been away. The feedback that I got from the respite centre was that she had been very relaxed during her first stay and seemed to have enjoyed staying at the 'hotel' with staff on hand. This was the encouragement that I needed to go ahead with the other planned dates, all of which worked out fine.

    In my case, my worries and second-guessing about how my wife would take to respite was more of a barrier - and almost led me to cancel - than how she actually reacted to it. The following is from a post that I made after her first stay:

    "This morning I picked up my wife after 3 nights stay at a respite centre, wondering but not knowing how she would be or what reception I might get. I need not have worried as she seemed relaxed and in a good mood. She had slept well each night and apparently had an enjoyable stay. The lady in charge said that she would see her on Tuesday - at the day centre - and my wife responded positively. She did not seem in a great hurry to leave or anxious to see our dog."
     
  13. Jenni_B

    Jenni_B Registered User

    Aug 24, 2019
    51
    Female
    France
    This is very encouraging for my sister who is considering respite care for her OH for the first time, but is worrying enormously that he will hate it.
     
  14. Guzelle

    Guzelle Registered User

    Aug 27, 2016
    366
    Sheffield
    Well I’ve dropped him down off at the care home. He wasn’t very pleased as I had told him we were going out for coffee. The staff were very good showed us round and said he would get one to one support which he needs. He is going for 2 weeks. His main worry was being unable to hear people he does wear hearing aids but if it’s noisy he can’t hear. I didn’t stay long because he was getting angry.

    He has been aggressive in the past but is on risperidone 1.5 mg which have calmed him down but lately I have seen the paranoia coming back!
     
  15. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    7,935
    Yorkshire
    well done @Guzelle ... not an easy day for you ... I hope you'll be able to keep worries at bay and get some rest
    I hope too that the op and your recuperation go well
     
  16. Guzelle

    Guzelle Registered User

    Aug 27, 2016
    366
    Sheffield
    Thanks I feel guilty but I have no choice. I have rang and he is fine he’s been asking when I am coming to get him but they just tell him when I am better!
     
  17. Jale

    Jale Registered User

    Jul 9, 2018
    246
    Female
    Hope everything goes well for you Guzelle
     
  18. pevensey

    pevensey Registered User

    Feb 14, 2012
    139
    Female
    Eastbourne
    It must have been so very stressful for you Gazelle, hopefully he will soon settle down to his new environment and you will be presently surprised as I was that it's not as bad as he thought it would be. My OH didnt ask at any time when was he coming home, I was shocked. I hope your hospital procedure goes well and you have a good recovery., take care
     
  19. Donkeyshere

    Donkeyshere Registered User

    May 25, 2016
    153
    channel islands
    We (me and the OH) are putting his Mum into respite care for the first time in October so we can have a holiday (together that will be a novelty!) - its been hard work to get her then first agreeing, then denying she agreed etc etc. It was compounded by the invisible confusing her which made it harder. Anyway we are all set and she seems to have forgotten about it so we are not mentioning it till the day before we go. My OH is anxious she will not go come the day but telling her we will loose money if we don't will be our call as she hates wasting money and that has never changed even to this day! I hope it all goes well for you and wish you a speedy recovery.
     
  20. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,360
    Kent
    Hello @Donkeyshere

    Could the respite care be renamed a hotel so mum can feel she`s having a holiday just like you, only nearer to home.
     

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