Oh Dear!


Registered User
Mar 19, 2008
west sussex
As you know she is now in the NH.
Day 1 she was okay, all things considered. We, that is to say I coped with the visit.
Day 2. Never have I seen her so upset. Can't get out/locked in. They are all potty here, I need the police, take me home now, I will be dead by the morning, never talk to you again/treat you as my daughter. This was all in the space of 5 minutes.
I left pretty quickly as I was distressed too but didn't want her to see it. I rang the NH on my return to see if she was okay. Answer - had a cup of tea and is now peaceful sorting out name tapes for her clothes with one of the carers. Forgotten I'd been!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They tell me her angst/whatever is due to the fact that I am her lifeline to 'normality' and that I am going to get the lot for the next few days/weeks.
I think, I am going to have a day off tomorrow. I was so close to wanting to bring here out of there today but, I know I have to be cruel to be kind.
Pleeeeeeaaaaaase tell me I'm right and please tell me if there are better ways to handle the visits. This is heartbreaking! I'm still not convinced the medication is right.


Registered User
Mar 27, 2008
Dear Judy

Oh dear Judy it must be awful. Your story reminded me of taking my child to the nursery for the first time. Whilst I was there a mother was leaving her son and he was screaming and shouting and very distressed. As soon as the mother left, he immediately, turned round and started playing with something and the tears dried up immediately. I knew that mother would be fretting and worrying all day until she came to pick him up again (little knowing that actually he was fine)!!!!!

I know it's not the same thing but maybe you can take a little comfort from it.

I think it would be best to stick to your decision because you wouldn't have come to it lightly.

Love Helen p.s. Hope you get some sleep


Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
Hi Judy


Your mum is going to take a while to settle. She's been taken out of her familiar surroundings, is in a strange place, among complete strangers.

Of course when you arrive she's going to think you're going to take her home, you're the link with what's familiar.

But when you're not there, she's quite happy. The staff always make sure that new residents get lots of attention.

It's really up to you what you do about visiting. I've always visited John every day, but he's much further along the line than your mum, by the sound of it, and I want to keep the contact.

Some homes recommend not visiting at all for the first couple of weeks. I couldn't do that, but I can see that in some circumstances it might be preferable.

Why not try having a day off, or just pop in for a short visit? You really don't have to stay for long, particularly if your mum is getting upset. Just follow your instincts, and whatever you do will be right.

Good luck,

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
a mother was leaving her son and he was screaming and shouting and very distressed. As soon as the mother left, he immediately, turned round and started playing with something and the tears dried up immediately.
Judy, what Helen has just said is not the same but very similar.

I used to tell my mothers to walk round the block and then very carefully peep through the window. By the time they did, their children were happy and occupied and the tears had dried.

If there is any way you could have a `peep` at your mother I`m sure you would be reassured.


Registered User
Jul 31, 2007
Hi Judy,

I feel guilty too if I do not go to visit mum but even when I do she has forgotten I have been, so I do not think the day off with hurt.

I sometimes have problems leaving her as she wants to come with me, or says she had better be going too, or she needs to see her mum - she will be wondering where she is !!!! When it is days like that I hang around for a few mins out of the EMI section and then go to the window where usually one of the staff will see me and give me the 'ok' signal. This makes me feel much better than just leaving not knowing if she is distressed or not.



Registered User
Aug 21, 2007
Hi Judy

Dad was exactly the same, I was leaving him to die, and 'written him off' was a favourite expression, he could get really aggressive when it was time for me to leave. But if I rang later to check how he was I was told he was absolutely fine and had settled the minute I'd walked out of the door.

At one point I avoided going to see him for a day because he got so distressed, I thought he needed time to settle down and my presence was making things worse for him. Sadly although he normally couldn't remember things from a few minutes before, he'd registered that I'd not been and was quite sad about it. Also when he was taken back to the care home after a hospital visit I was unable to be there for him and he was absolutely furious. He forgot though straight after he'd had a real go at me the next day! Strange thing memory in dementia sufferers.

After this I'd just go to see him ready to make a sharp exit if he started to kick off, at least he was with people who knew how to cope with him and could distract him.

AJay xxx


Registered User
May 16, 2007
Hi Judy, You and I sen to be haveing similar experiences at the moment sadly. My mum seems to take out all her anger, frustration and difficult behaviour on me. Obviously this means thatI don't want to go to visit her coz it only upsets both of us. My aunt who's a pyschiatric nurse says that dementia sufferers tend to treat those they are most close to the worst. I think that before the illness they talked to us and felt able to say anything too and now they still do it only it doesn't come out nicely! At the moment mum is visited by a different family member or the pastor of our church nearly every day so I don't have to go through the confrontation as often as you do. Don't feel bad that you need a day off - you not only need it but YOU DESERVE IT! all of us recognise the stresses and emotional strain this disease puts us under and you have to take care of yourself too. Remember you mu is being cared for 24/7 so you need to take back some of your time for yourself.
Take care
:) ann x

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