Oh Dear. Didn't keep my patience!

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by debbiea, May 30, 2006.

  1. debbiea

    debbiea Registered User

    May 22, 2006
    11
    I posted here for the first time last week. Went to visit my Mum at the weekend and I really did try to keep my patience and not shout at her but she spent almost the entire weekend in her 'money cupboard' counting her money, hiding her money, losing her money. Its hard not to shout at someone when they've asked you where their purse is for the 50th time that morning! Unfortunately she will not spend any money so her fridge is bare and she can't remember how to use the cooker/microwave and she is really thin. My brother and sister live in the same street but they're getting fed up with her not reimbursing them if they buy her food as she has plenty of money. She is physically fit too but won't do any housework so my sister's at her wits end. What do you think we should go from here ? Her diagnosis isn't complete yet - she is due a brain scan next week but has had the 'question and answer' session and a chest x-ray.
     
  2. Lucille

    Lucille Registered User

    Sep 10, 2005
    542
    Hello Debbiea

    I sympathise with you! Firstly, don't feel guilty about losing your patience. We all do it!

    I think once you have a more definite diagnosis, you will find there is more help available (this is what happened with my mum). Firstly, if you think she's not capable of handling money, you'll need to sort out an Enduring Power of Attorney (EPA). Visit the Public Guardianship website, or look on the AS information leaflets for guidance with this.

    After the diagnosis, I was given advice from a social worker, who set up a carer drop in for mum for her tablets. Sounds like your mum is slightly more advanced with the illness if she can't remember how to use the cooker and so you should be offered some help with her meals. In any case, I think social services will provide some kind of assessment to make sure she's not in any danger at home with appliances or in case of falls, etc.

    I try and divert mum to another subject if she keeps repeating things and this helps (sometimes) or we'll have a laugh about it (with her, not at her) and she says, 'oh my memory is shocking' and then she accepts it (up to a point). I've tried asking her to write things down (to no avail, mainly due to the fact she thinks there's nothing wrong).

    In terms of her not wanting to do housework. This was one of the things I really noticed with mum as she's always been so houseproud, but, I gather, it's a symptom of the disease.

    There'll be lots of other advice posted on here. These are just things I've learnt from mum being ill. It's a bl**dy long and difficult road and you'll need plenty of support from your brother and sister. Perhaps when you have the diagnosis and some care in place, it MAY seem a little easier. (Don't quote me on that!) Some days are good and some are not.

    Take care and post back. (Sorry for rambling reply!) :)
     
  3. mumof3

    mumof3 Registered User

    Feb 6, 2006
    82
    Hi debbiea

    Yes we also have a "money cupboard" that always needs feeding and a purse and handbag that walks! The purse only ever seems to contain bronze coins too:confused: This is shown to us frequently with the request that we get money from the cash machine. If we say it is not needed (uses debit card when shopping under our supervision) then tears follow. Although my MIL has ample for her means she is not wealthy and so this disappearing money is becoming an issue as SS have assessed her as able to make a fairly sizeable contribution to her home care. Don't know what to suggest as we are struggling with this one.

    Don't beat yourself up too badly about losing your patience. Daily I start off with good intentions but my MIL's obsession with CONSTANT telephoning makes short thrift of it most days. The last phone bill showed that she was averaging 14 calls a day (she calls only us and a friend). Since she got out of hospital last week, this average must have doubled - 9 calls before noon yesterday!:eek: When I ask her to stop she flatly denies ever ringing me. Frankly by the third call to let us know she is going to bed, I can barely bite back what I would really like to say so I don't blame you for letting it out occasionally.

    Today is her day for the Day Centre so I have actually managed to do some housework!

    The lack of reimbursement strikes chords here too!
     
  4. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    social services debbiea.




    Lucille Has given you some really good advice & I also understand where your coming from with the Money issue ,my mum was like that before being diagnosed & its really hard not to take it personally ,when you don’t understand what going on in your mum brain , I do feel for your mum & you family .

    Hopefully your mum will agree to give you or a member of your family EPOA. how does your mum get her pension ? can you or a member of your family pick up her pension for her as doing that they could do the shoping for your mum for the week , also it be a good Idea to ring social services , as your mother does not need to be diagnosed , before getting any help from them .







    This is something that I posted in the Tea room under inspirational thread




    I know your mum has not been Diagnosed yet ,but there some good tips about seeing the doctor & other things .
     
  5. Helena

    Helena Registered User

    May 24, 2006
    715
    i too would be extremely short on patience and would install an answerphone that will soon stop the repeated phone calls interupting your day

    As for the "money cupboard " and not paying for things ....sorry but i would refuse to do any shopping

    I might only be new into this game but I am quickly developing a hard shell

    Theres only so much you can stand or your health goes too .......been there done that once before
    My husband has a long term illness so i have all I can cope with ......without a 90 yrs old complicating things

    Maybe we need to be cruel to be kind and stop excusing everything on the illness
     
  6. debbiea

    debbiea Registered User

    May 22, 2006
    11
    Thanks for your replies, it helps to know this behaviour is quite normal. My sister in law gets her pension for her and my sister does her housework. My sister also has a son with mental problems living at home, so I feel for her. Unfortunately I live 300 miles away so I'm not at hand. Hopefully, once we have a diagnosis we can get the social worker ball rolling, etc.
    When my husband, daughter and I go down to visit we have always stayed with her. I have been buying the food when we stay. However, do you think it is too much for someone with dementia to have 3 people staying with them? Should we stay in a hotel? The only downside is that it's expensive.
     
  7. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london

    Well my mum live with me & my 3 girls & there friends are always staying over , for my mum she loves all the family around her it seem to motivate her , must say mum is on medication . its your family really if they can cope with the mood changes ,as long as they understand that , thats the main issue .

    what is your mother like anyway now when you all go around to her house ?
     
  8. debbiea

    debbiea Registered User

    May 22, 2006
    11
    She's OK at first then gets a bit ratty. The problem we all have with my mother is that she was and isn't now a warm person that you can put your arms round and comfort, she pulls away. She has always been a depressive, bad tempered, control freak who only wanted her family around her. Sounds awful I know but that's how it is
     
  9. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Hi debbiea, who said their personalities must change when they have this illness.

    I have noticed that in most cases people remain the same. My Lionel occassionally
    becomes like a stranger, but with most people, and most of the time he is his lovely laid back self. (only me he tends to lash out at)


    A friend of ours, who always was an irritable old woman, is still an irritable old woman.
     
  10. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    Snap my mother was like that .

    And your going to have a battle on your hands with you mum letting go of that control,but there light at the end of the tunnel . Its early days now for you, your lucky you’ve found TP, because you’re going to need all the support & understanding, of dementia as that give you knowledge & empowerment & it does gets easier & take the frustration away , well it did for me , but then we all different .


    Yes your mum must get confused with a lot of people around her maybe thats why she gets ratty , & yes it can drive you mad , just walk out of the room.

    Just don't let that put you of staying around there , my mum she use to say some Curl things to me & my children ,but over time it stop , & she use to push me away when I cuddly her ,now she love a cuddy.

    let us know how you get on with the brain scan
     
  11. Kayla

    Kayla Registered User

    May 14, 2006
    621
    Kent
    Didn't keep my patience

    Dear Debbie,
    You'd need to be a Saint not lose your patience sometimes. You should stick up for your self and set some boundries, but make sure the person is safe. My Mum knew she couldn't cope with everything- the house and garden were quite large for an elderly person and she had forgotten how to use all the appliances. Her rheumatoid arthritis prevented her from doing very much with her hands because she'd lost all strength in them.
    After several falls and being very unsteady on her feet, she asked to go into a care home. She loved it and was happy. The routine helped her and she had a lovely big room with lots of her things in it. She was doing really well and got on well with the staff, until she broke her hip and needed a nursing home.
    We didn't want to push her into a care home, but in some ways I wish we'd suggested it ourselves earlier. She can now have quite lucid conversations, but her sense of time is way out. I wonder if her dementia is caused partly by her steroids as her symptoms seem to vary from others on TP.
    I think your Mum is worried because she knows she has lost control of things she used to be able to cope with easily. Hopefully social services will make some helpful suggestions.
    Best wishes
    from Kayla
     
  12. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    Kayla

    now that a good way to put it , I am not good a wording my writing ,thats how I Built up my relationship with mum after she was diagnosed with AD I set some boundries up , it took a good 2 years & the last 6 Mouths To really understand what is happening to mum brain , but then it was my choice, to look after my mother & every one situation is different just like to add :)

     

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