Oh brother

Grace L

Registered User
Jun 14, 2014
647
0
NW UK
Morning Tin...
Flowers :( When my mum died I had several people send me flowers (not all on the same day)...

First flower delivery / display... went in lounge on mantle ...
My husband was upset and angry with me as he didn't remember me telling him that she had died....

Every hour or so he would look at them, ask where they had come from, and I'd remind him they were for me/us, as my mum had died...
He got angry and accused me of not telling him about mum, when did she die, why didn't you tell me...

To stop this 'loop' I said they were for him, from his mum.... and aren't they lovely...
I also hid all the condolence cards that were being sent to me/us :(

That worked well for a few hours.... or the next day when another bunch of flowers were delivered...
along with a box of chocolates and a really cute teddy bear...
This made husband even more suspicious and angry with me... and thought 'I was up to something'...
This bunch got put in the utility... out of the way...

Third bunch arrives.... husband now furious !! (each time, still not remembering my mum had died)...
I gave this and the next bunch away to 'the carers' that we had coming in to assist with bathing etc....

I couldn't talk to , or receive comfort from my husband like a 'normal wife'.
He was angry with me if I was crying or tearful .... Didn't like me making lots of phone calls....
and the flowers really sent him super-super-angry.

The very first thing he said to me when I told him my mum had died was "What's your point ?"
I couldn't grieve for my mum in a normal way .... and all because of flowers .....
 

achilles

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Jul 22, 2014
18
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london
I suppose this thread should really be called 'oh mother' because apart from the odd mishap when my brother talks to mum, he tries really hard not to say the wrong thing, but sometimes she only has to see his face and she comes up with a whole conversation that she has supposedly had with him. It has been a particularly trying weekend, I had a birthday and I got a lot of presents and cards from friends. The presents started arriving on Friday and still a few today, my house is full of flowers. Mum believes all of these things have come from my brother, on the phone last night he tried to tell her that he had sent me nothing but a card, she does not believe him and the anger towards me has just knocked me for 6!!! I think she must dream of a world where it is just her, my brother and little dog then when she wakes in the morning its all so fresh, she's stuck in a loop.

I can identify very much with this situation,and your right it could be called oh brother ,oh mother,or as in my case oh sister,as for a while she is the one that occupied a very similar position,
for myself I think the closer we were to the actual crisis of the police section the more our old thoughts and feelings towards each other were highlighted,good and bad,as we stuggled with a new and very difficult situation,and yet were forced to work together for the first time in years.in real terms what this meant was whilst I was attending the mha section in hospital and the next day having my teeth broken in an attack,my eldest sister was litrally on a sunbed in the med,this can bring about allsorts of feelings in me,and fits very well into my past experiences ,but I don't feel like that now.we are very different,and there are some things in this world people just cant handle,for her this is one of them,for my mum at that time she was the apple and can do no wrong,and that's hard to hear.but its not like that now. after my last long visit I spoke to almost every member of staff,and what we have now is mum on a kind rotating frequency .on any given day mum decides who will be her favorite and anybody else (including me) is fair game....the next day its someone else ,and so on,it seems to be a big part of the illness,and I have to find a way to cope with it.
I have read many of your posts and have nothing but respect for the way you care for your mum, on this most difficult journey,and I wish you the very best

kind regards achilles
 

Tin

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May 18, 2014
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UK
Last few days mums blood pressure been a problem, low, and the instructions I have been given: to ensure she lays down with feet elevated for a least half hour. Easier said than done, she is so giddy and restless and of course after a few 'normal' weeks the Dementia behaviour is kicking in again. After only 5 mins shes up and wandering, had to deadbolt front door! Horrible rainy day. Cannot believe how active she is, we have had a busy few days and still she wants more. Wow!
 

Tin

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May 18, 2014
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UK
Right, some battles have to be fought! Mum's washing up is simply run everything under cold water, dry then put anyway, I then collect everything up and wash properly in warm soapy water, dish washer broken at moment. Now mum has decided to miss out water stage completely, simply getting hold of tea towel or hand towel, wipe and put away! Have confronted her about this and her response is " well i'm going soon, not staying here for Christmas" Have no idea where the Christmas thought has come from, especially as mum is still waiting for Summer!!!!!
 

loveahug

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Nov 28, 2012
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Moved to Leicester
Not being flippant Tin but if you're doing something and don't know you are doing it wrong, you'll carry on doing it! Mum's behaviour is, quite often, such a variant on the usual expectations I don't see it coming, but I try and just go with the flow. If I try and re-do the washing up Mum will say she's already done it, even if it's a few hours later. I try to pre-empt by filling up the bowl with hot water and washing up liquid and drop the odd cup, plate, cutlery in bit by bit and then top up the hot water and get it done. If mum says she was about to wash up I just laugh and say 'beat you to it then!' so sometimes she takes the tea towel and dries up. I do get very annoyed if one of her carers makes tea in a non-too-clean mug!
 

Tin

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May 18, 2014
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Mums anti depressant dosage has been increased to 30mg Mirtazapine a day, the last 2 weeks have been absolute hell, more for mum than me her anxiety and mood swings just took over 24hrs every day and I could do nothing to ease any of it, my brother on her mind all the time. Thursday with increase, all calm [as calm as it can be with vascular dementia]. Recently I have noticed a new obsession/behaviour, Still wrapping and packing framed photos, but now she is putting a few of the bigger framed ones on the window sill facing outwards like a shop window display, about 8 of these photos all looking out to the garden. I've asked why she is doing this and she said its so her friends can help themselves, sometimes shes laid trousers and nightie there too. I'm not doing anything to stop this [could not if I tried] but with all the other stuff she moves around in there, her bedroom is looking very odd!
 

Tin

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May 18, 2014
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UK
The roll of carer is beginning to stress me out again. Day to day the little things she does are mildly irritating and I can let them go, can even let it go when she asks me over and over "has he called yet, you will let me know when he calls? What I am finding really hard to understand is how nasty she is to me, accusing me of all kinds of things and she does not keep these false accusations to herself, she has now started telling my friends when they visit. I get the strongest feeling that she does not like me and maybe she is feeling like a prisoner here. I would love for my mum to be able to accept and see that she is ill and does need looking after! What I hate is that our relationship as it is right now has become twisted and sad. Oh I hope tomorrow will be different!
 

Tin

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May 18, 2014
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I've had a few days respite from mums more severe 'sundowning' but its all back today. The wandering to the phone in her bedroom and leaving endless 'air' messages and imaginery conversations with brother and his wife, the bag packing with the usual I want to go home and complete confusion about where she is. she has this idea that someone is going to pick her up at the garden gate and so with dog on lead she keeps wandering out there [poor little dog, think it may hide under the bed soon]. On top of her day clothes she has put on 1 jacket and 2 coats, If she has a fall, she is certainly well padded!
 

Tin

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May 18, 2014
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Always trying to think of things in the house to occupy mum, her wandering around the house fiddling with things never seems to stop and we go out most days to her favourite coffee shop and then a little shopping, she loves shopping! her world is getting smaller and ability to do most things are nil. Little chores around the house can sometimes help. So yesterday we went to a second hand furniture shop and for £10 bought one of those slim, lightweight electric carpet sweepers, seems to be working, she is busy 'vacuuming' her bedroom. Don't know how long this new toy will amuse, but for now its something.
 

LYN T

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Aug 30, 2012
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Brixham Devon
Always trying to think of things in the house to occupy mum, her wandering around the house fiddling with things never seems to stop and we go out most days to her favourite coffee shop and then a little shopping, she loves shopping! her world is getting smaller and ability to do most things are nil. Little chores around the house can sometimes help. So yesterday we went to a second hand furniture shop and for £10 bought one of those slim, lightweight electric carpet sweepers, seems to be working, she is busy 'vacuuming' her bedroom. Don't know how long this new toy will amuse, but for now its something.

What a very good idea Tin. It's possible that by using a carpet sweeper your Mum is in some way taken back to her younger days when carpet sweepers were more widely used than a hoover.

Take care

Lyn T
 

rajahh

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Aug 29, 2008
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Hertfordshire
I have just sat and read all your posts on this thread Tin. I am full of admiration for you, and the way you are coping.

I used to think I had problems with my husband, but yours seem to be continuous and so draining

Jeannette
 

Tin

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May 18, 2014
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UK
It could be Lyn, I remember we had one of those manual ones and mum was always using it around the heavy traffic areas. I am hoping like crazy this will keep her occupied for some time to come, all she seems to want to do are house chores, she never finishes them and usually only 'does' for a few minutes before she moves on to something else, she has just washed half the dishes in the sink and has walked away leaving the tap running and now wants to light the fire. She is forever emptying ashtrays and I seriously think she only lights up so she can go off and clean it! My poor mum, what kind of world must she be seeing.
 

Tin

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May 18, 2014
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UK
I have just sat and read all your posts on this thread Tin. I am full of admiration for you, and the way you are coping.

I used to think I had problems with my husband, but yours seem to be continuous and so draining

Jeannette

Wow, thank you for taking the time. I think maybe one day I shall re read just to see when the ups and downs were. Can't honestly say things have improved over the last 10 months, its the intensity of her fixations that are so draining. Last night was not great, she kept going on and on about going home and that I was to take her to an hotel, it started at 6pm and by 11pm I had to help her into the car and drive her to the nearest hotel [just a mile up the road]. got to the car park and asked her if this was what she really wanted? no, she said I want to go to your house.

I have a phone call conference with her gp,tomorrow and again we will be discussing medication, I have my doubts that the anti depressants are not helping and I'm wondering if she should stop taking these.
 

Tin

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May 18, 2014
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B**** H*** am I the slow one!! I've realised that when mum is not sundowning, she sleeps well at night. We've had 3 days of no obvious sundowning behaviour and 2 really good night of sleep. fingers crossed for tonight.
 

Tin

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May 18, 2014
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UK
Last 5 days have been calm, the longest period since mum moved in with me. No obvious sundowning and sleeping well, but this morning all change with massive repetitive behaviour, eating and picking at all the food. Biscuit tin empty, Danish pastries gone and loads of porridge down the sink which seems to set like cement. 4 yogurt drinks have just disappeared, plus the breakfast I prepare for her, could not get the bacon out of the pan quick enough. She has been up and down since 2 a.m. We did an early shop and in the time it took me to go back to car for more bags, mum has opened 3 tins of baked beans and she does not like baked beans! Its all go today with every one of her fixations and at the moment it is hard to decide which one is the most tiring to deal with. I wonder when I will have another 5 day calm period??
 

Tin

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May 18, 2014
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UK
I don't know what's hardest to deal with, the 'I want' during day or 'I want' during night. It has been a bad, bad night mum's ankles swollen because she has been wandering around all night all over the house. Had to double lock all outside doors because she just wanted to go and she still does, apparently going to tell everyone how bad I am. This must have started with confusion around bedtime, in her pj's for only half hour last night and then suddenly started putting day clothes on and that was it, caught in a loop with coat and boots on and I'm not sure yet but I think her little dog may have nipped her but won't let me look, little plaster on her hand, poor dog has been on a lead all night, put a stop to this though, put dog in my bedroom out of the way. Will have to get her to dr's surgery today and now I must get dressed, its going to be a long day, a really long day!
 

Ann Mac

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Oct 17, 2013
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I don't know what's hardest to deal with, the 'I want' during day or 'I want' during night. It has been a bad, bad night mum's ankles swollen because she has been wandering around all night all over the house. Had to double lock all outside doors because she just wanted to go and she still does, apparently going to tell everyone how bad I am. This must have started with confusion around bedtime, in her pj's for only half hour last night and then suddenly started putting day clothes on and that was it, caught in a loop with coat and boots on and I'm not sure yet but I think her little dog may have nipped her but won't let me look, little plaster on her hand, poor dog has been on a lead all night, put a stop to this though, put dog in my bedroom out of the way. Will have to get her to dr's surgery today and now I must get dressed, its going to be a long day, a really long day!

Sending lots of sympathy, Tin - hate these awful 'loops' our loved ones get caught in. Could she possibly have a UTI? Hope she settles for you soon, and you are able to get some rest today, hun x

Had a fairly settled spell with Mil, nothing too bad since Tuesday night, thankfully - only mini 'loops', the current one being the 'lipstick loop' - so far, she has put it on 3 times, and I've stopped her adding more a further 4 times !
 

Tin

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May 18, 2014
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UK
Don't think its a UTI, but just in case going to pick up a little pot to test. I have been given some Reagent Strips? so could do a bit of DIY before we go to surgery. The thing is last night's intensity not unusual, but have not had one like it for about a month. Managed to get her dressed properly. I can see she is really tired and she has slowed down, but doesn't want to sit down. I have taken her coat off, but its now back on, I suppose as long as she is wearing it we are going to be stuck in this loop, It's the possible dog bite that is worrying. Mum is up to date with shots and so is the dog, the fact she will not let me remove the plaster to check it out and she will not tell me why she has put it on. Think she is frightened I'll do something to her little dog if I find out it is a bite and of course I won't, but cannot convince her. So hopefully she will let gp check it out. Supposed to be taking her out for a church lunch, but if she does not rest soon that will not happen and every time I ask her to do something she does the complete opposite. So suggesting a nap before lunch is a no no!
 

Tin

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May 18, 2014
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UK
Its a dog bite, dressing, tetanus shot and anti biotics needed. Hiding it from me because in her mind she thought I would get rid of dog and she told the doctor this. Now back home, church lunch missed. mum's still wandering around with things like has to go to the shops, wants to vacuum all the carpets and prepare another lunch. Started about midnight last night, only had a 5 min nap in surgery waiting room. I'd be flat on my back by now, I almost am but I have got to tidy my bedroom, can't find my bed its full of clothes from my wardrobe and drawers, but soon I will just collapse.
 

Ann Mac

Registered User
Oct 17, 2013
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Its a dog bite, dressing, tetanus shot and anti biotics needed. Hiding it from me because in her mind she thought I would get rid of dog and she told the doctor this. Now back home, church lunch missed. mum's still wandering around with things like has to go to the shops, wants to vacuum all the carpets and prepare another lunch. Started about midnight last night, only had a 5 min nap in surgery waiting room. I'd be flat on my back by now, I almost am but I have got to tidy my bedroom, can't find my bed its full of clothes from my wardrobe and drawers, but soon I will just collapse.

Oh Tin, you poor thing - you must be so tired :( I'm glad you've managed to get the bite treated, at least. Can you not put a lock on your bedroom door - even just a saftey chain, high up where it would be difficult for her to reach? At least then you would be spared the additional job of constantly having to sort it out and tidy up after she goes in there.

I hope she rests soon, so you can have a break xxx
 

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