1. Our next Q&A session is on the topic of Christmas and dementia.This time we want our Q&A to involve our resident experts, you! Share tips and advice on navigating Christmas here in this thread.

    Pop by and post your questions or if you prefer you can email your question to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.


Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by trinity123, Nov 18, 2019.

  1. trinity123

    trinity123 New member

    Oct 7, 2019
    hello all
    sorry in advance for lots of questions!
    my mother in law (83) - who moved in with us in August - has now officially been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, as of last Wednesday - so what now??
    the consultant was very nice and explained to her that she had the disease but pretty much by the time we got home she had forgotten (of course) how do we deal with that? do we keep telling her or let it go? will it make a difference?
    the consultant said that he will send out official report and a nurse will visit, when does this happen and what sort of things should we be asking? - he also said we could look into day care or centres as we both work which I think will be good for her but she wasn't keen - is happy being on her own apparently (apart from when we want to go out and have a break then we're the worse people ever and always leave her on her own!) he told her that we need to make sure that myself and my husband are stress free (LOL!!) and look after ourselves but she stated that we don't do much for her anyway and we're fine.
    Of course she is totally oblivious to the situation and what's to come, I know all of you are going through the same thing (and worse).
    There is a carer group at our local GP tomorrow that Im hoping to go to and maybe find some support in our area - I have tried looking on here but its not working at the moment.
    I would be grateful for any suggestions on how to (try) deal with it all and where we should go for help and who to speak to??
    thank you in advance ☺
  2. nae sporran

    nae sporran Volunteer Host

    Oct 29, 2014
    Hullo trinity123.
    I can't answer all you questions, as our situation is a wee bit different. However, telling your mum she has dementia is not usually a good idea. My partner hates the word and has her old fashioned ideas about it meaning she is going crazy. I put everything down to a stroke she had, though you may have to be more inventive with your mum.
    Carers groups are a good place to find other support services. I found the day centre C goes to by asking at a dementia carers group, and then found music memories separately through someone from Alz Society who regularly attends the group. She was reluctant at first, and some days the effort is a bit much, but settled in eventually. So, hopefully if you can find a good one with a good staff to visitors ratio your mum will be fine.
    Good luck with the carers group tomorrow and I hope you find what you are looking for on here too.
  3. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
  4. trinity123

    trinity123 New member

    Oct 7, 2019
    thank you - she does say she has a bad memory but due to age - we do just go along with it as know it wont make a difference - fingers crossed we can get more information tomorrow
  5. trinity123

    trinity123 New member

    Oct 7, 2019
  6. Pete1

    Pete1 Registered User

    Jul 16, 2019
    Hi @trinity123, when Mum was frustrated and confused and asked what was wrong with her first of all I used to show her the letter of diagnosis, however, I soon found that just saying she had problems with her memory that sometimes got her in a bit of a pickle but not to worry about it actually worked better (calmed the situation). The formal diagnosis will open other doors for you though in terms of support e.g. attendance allowance, home care etc. It isn't unusual for someone in your MIL's position to be oblivious to the level of support you are providing, try not to get upset (even though it can be a little frustrating to hear!), it is also quite usual to steadfastly refuse any additional support i.e. not wanting strangers in the house. I take it that the care needs are becoming greater is this correct?
  7. trinity123

    trinity123 New member

    Oct 7, 2019
    thank you for your advice - we are yet to receive the report but think she will still contradict us anyway so may not matter.
    I would like to get as much help arranged as possible now so that it is all in place before it gets a lot worse, although know this isn't always possible!
    She is able to wash and dress herself at the moment, but know it will not always be that way. We have been struggling on so far and as you say, hoping that formal diagnosis will provide more.
    thank you
  8. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    Don't tell her she has Alzheimers and try not to correct her but do expect to tell love lies and sometimes you may have to go with the flow. Day centres are a good idea or carers however I know how you are feeling at the moment and my heart goes out to you. Try not to argue with her as you will not win it is very difficult and at the worse points of my caring days dad tols me I was confused!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  9. Lyd

    Lyd Registered User

    May 27, 2019
    Your situation sounds quite similar to ours. Enjoy the ride. ;)
    My advice is manage your expectations. You will probably find that you will find out more stuff from google and the local carers group than any professional. You will probably spend hours being referred round and round in circles for help to find yourself back at the begining.You will be offered stuff that never materialises and have to endure professionals doing that sad, "i hear what you are saying" head to one side look as you have a hissy fit of the kind you never throught youself capable of...:oops:
    Any promise of help from family will probably be wittled down to nothing within a year so pin them down to exactly what you want now if its not too late. Dont be afraid to ask for help from friends, neighbours and the local shop. Build a network of support.
    I've learnt a lot about myself and the people arround me. Enjoy the beautiful funny times and the kindness of strangers.
    Finally on day care: My MIL said to the consultant "why would i want to sit in a cicle of old ladies drinking cold tea out of a plastic cup" [Not my personal view but hers... I did find it funny though!] Now a year later she has her "walking friend" who comes for 2 hours twice a day and takes her for walks, too the shop etc.There are solutions out there you just need to look. It's your house you can give anyone you like the key :)
    Be proud of what you are doing out of love.

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.