Maybe your dad just gave you a considerable insight as to what is going through his mind with regards to your mum. He sees her as different compared with others and therefore his first view is that she will not fit in and yet I know from my mother being in her care home that somehow everyone seemed to rub along just fine. Maybe that was one of the blessings of dementia there. That things were quickly forgotten and so there was a greater level of acceptance and lack of judgement on everyone's part. That wasn't to say that at times things were mentioned, like the lady who was shouting. Always in the context of that present moment, not that she was shouting yesterday or earlier that day, because time had moved on. The thing with respite though is that it is never quite long enough for someone to adjust and settle down and so your dad never sees how things might be in the longer term. He too is aligned to that moment in time where he probably feels that he has to make decisions and be quick about it. Just like today. Your dad's solution is for him to step in and take back control of the situation. Maybe because he has not yet seen anyone/anywhere that has an affinity with your mum and who/where she is at ease. I bet he feels therefore that only he can take care of her. Only he can deliver what she needs. For this reason he is always poised to have to step in and therefore never gets the benefits that respite should give him.
All of this is probably what he himself argues with his own logic. You know however as long as they are in this cycle that nothing is likely to change because there is no time. Same goes with your dad's ideas about medication. He is probably of the view that he sees this as some form of chemical cosh...another reason why only he can take care of your mum. A home, or day care will not be able to tolerate your mum for long. Not because, with time, they might achieve that but they have numerous clients where they have to consider their needs too. I would certainly delve a little more around the medication front with your dad. Yes he has strong views ... Our family were the same too. That was until a psychiatrist spoke to us. He asked us if we had considered the effect that mum's paranoia was having on her? He said as much as it was distressing for us, it was equally distressing for her. Not just mentally, but living in a heightened state for long periods of time can affect her physical health too as it puts a lot of strain on the body too. He explained that her aggression was as a result of the effects of all the paranoia and whilst she couldn't rationalise things in the way that we could, it didn't mean that she didn't believe in all the things that annoy her. We were told that medication was a kindness for mum. That the mental torture she was going through was extremely unpleasant for her. So, we reached an agreement. That he would find the right medication to give her that relief but not to use it to knock her out to the point she became non functioning. Maybe this is the type of person your dad needs to talk to as well. In our case respiridone was the magic pill. What emerged was a calm cheery person. It was not without its cost though. Her powers of communication were affected but we adjusted to that and could hole conversations with understanding on both sides. Would we have changed back, to gain the communication back again? NO never. The psychiatrist was right and our logic was wrong. When you saw the benefits of no distress and even the change in her facial expressions as she became calm, you'd never wish the distress on her again. I guess the fear on your dad's case is that there is no happy outcome and that the only outcome for your mum is to be drugged so she is out of it all the time. He perhaps sees people in homes and thinks that is what happened with them. Perhaps not though, maybe the people are just in a later natural phase on their dementia journey. I can understand his fears though. There must however be someone that can give him the answers he needs, be it a psychiatrist, the care home manager, as AS rep or a combination of all of those. Maybe that is something you could help him with. Finding someone to give HIM the answers he needs?
Such turmoil for all of you ...there must surely be someone out there with some answers for you all.
Fiona
