1. jan.

    jan. Registered User

    Apr 19, 2006
    Cheshire, UK.
    Hi all,

    Is it possible for people suffering from A.D. to have obsessions? My father , who lives with us seems to have some sort of fixation with me, its beginning to suffocate me. I`ve been able to cope with it for the last 12months or so, but it has got to the stage where i cant have any eye contact with him because i know that he`ll be staring at me! It has become quite unnerving, not only for me , but the rest of the family find it makes them feel uncomfortable and wont sit in the same room anymore. Is this just another faze on the long slippery slope? I cant go to the toilet without him following me upstairs and i find i have to go to my bedroom just to get some space for myself until i feel strong enough to deal with it again. I love him so much, but feel that this obsession ? with me is driving me crazy. Even now i`m on the computer and hes checking on me......to make sure i`ve not run away i suppose. I know its sad but i feel like SCREAMING!!!! :eek:
    Thanks for letting me get this off my chest....i feel better already.

  2. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    near London
    Hi Jan

    I'm afraid all of what you describe can be normal for someone who has dementia. They try to focus on something - someone - and then they do tend to follow them around, afraid in case they are left on their own, just fearful.

    It is bad for the person being trailed, but think how it must be for the person with dementia.

    Someone on TP may be able to suggest something to help.
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hello Jan, Sometimes my husband comes to me and just stares. It`s as if he wants to communicate something, but doesn`t know what or how. This is strange, because he hasn`t lost any language, but it`s as if he needs the presence.
    Your father probably adores you Jan, but is unable to express it; perhaps he doesn`t even consciously recognize it.
    I can understand it embarrassing you and making you feel uneasy. Could you ask him if he`s OK, to diffuse the situation. As for going to the toilet, I would tell him firmly, he must let you go in peace.
    What are other family members doing to help you out? Surely they could support you instead of avoiding these situations.
    Sorry if you`ve already tried and failed.
  4. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Dear Jan,

    I was very concerned a few months back when mum seemed to want my total attention when with her ... and when my son was 'in tow' she actually became quite aggressive and nasty towards him .... it was put to me that because mum's ability to 'focus' is so limited she could only focus on me and her reliance on me was 'under threat' by anyone else (including her beloved grandson) being around.....

    Seemed to make sense.... I've never since attempted to make a 'trip out' with her unless it's on a one-to-one ... but around her house my son gets 'involved' - little things like making her a cup of tea, watering the plants ... now he's seen to be 'helping' even if the smallest ways she seems to accept him more ... that has taken a huge effort (and maturity) on my son's part to do things for a 'grandma' who can be so 'obtuse' with him at times and whilst I'm not entirely comfortable with it - sure it will do him no harm ....

    It's better for everyone now...... not great... and I remain 'primary focus' ...... could you perhaps ask whoever is in your family to make those few little steps which would help support you as well as dad? (And make life a lot better for them as well by being involved and feeling 'part' rather than them simply using 'avoidance tactics'?)

    Love, Karen, x
  5. chip

    chip Registered User

    Jul 19, 2005
    On reading the posts my husband will change as soon as our son is in the same room gets up, comes home etc. My husband will go on at him even if he sits down, watches tv, tells him to go, get out, get feet down (we have recliners) Yet when son is out he looks for him. I feel sorry for our son. I also wonder if its got something to do with the father /daughter/son thing they go back in time so could be in their mind that the son/daughter is a child.
  6. DickG

    DickG Registered User

    Feb 26, 2006
    Hi Jan

    Mary will not allow me to be out of her sight for more than 5 minutes, If I go to the shed she will suddenly appear and say "Oh there you are" and will just stand there until I go back into the house. When we walk into town she walks immediately behind me, if I look over my left shoulder she moves to the right and vice versa. From what I have gathered from TP this "stalking" (or obsessive behaviour) is quite normal although quite disconcerting.

  7. Bets

    Bets Registered User

    Aug 11, 2005
    South-East London, UK
    I find my husband's obsession with me one of the hardest (there are so many!) things to deal with. When we go shopping, he is always right behind my shoulder, moves when I move, stops when I stop. In a supermarket, when a lot of to-ing and fro-ing is involved, this drives me to distraction. In recent months, too, he will often come looking for me if I leave the room for more than a few minutes, although at other times he will be fine for much longer. There are just the two of us at home, so there is no one else to distract him. When he wakes up in the morning, or after a nap, his first thought is to call out for me or come looking for me. I completely understand that he feels anxious if he momentarily doesn't know where I am, but it often feels suffocating.

  8. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    Obsessions are not easy to deal with I know, but we can at least rationalise about the situation. How much harder for them, to be afraid, to be unsure, and to need constant contact with the one they love best.

    To borrow someone's tag " This too in time will pass"
  9. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    Hi Jan
    Mum is my shadow.....I found it very disconcerting at first but now I accept it......some days I find it really irritating......if I get up from a chair....mum will get up....If I go to the kitchen mum will follow me in.....If I'm on the computer....mums almost sitting on my lap ......she's also started stroking me like I'm a dog......
  10. willemm

    willemm Registered User

    Sep 20, 2006
    My late wife went through an obsessive phase but it didn't last long. Not being mobile she couldn't follow me around, but if I left the room, or was just in the next room, when I re-appeared she would curtly ask "where have you been", and to reply that I was only in the next room, or garden, or garage - would only get another curt response "you didn't tell me you were going" to which I would usually reply "sorry - next time I'll tell you" but of course, next time it would happen all over again - perhaps 10 minutes later. As I said, this was only a phase, but it's not possible to say how long it might last for others. It is of course down to their fear of being alone, or of being left. Irrational to us, but not to them.
  11. jan.

    jan. Registered User

    Apr 19, 2006
    Cheshire, UK.
    Dear all,

    Thankyou for your replies, it`s something of a relief to realise i wasn`t becoming paranoid myself......
    I was just at breaking point the other day and just felt as though i couldn`t cope anymore, although i`m usually a strong person.Thankyou for allowing me to get it off my chest and for sharing your experiences with me, it has really helped.

    I`m sorry this reply was a bit slow, but i can`t always find enough time in the day to myself.....as you will all appreciate, i`m sure.

    I was also wondering if the change in medication from Aricept to Reminyl may have upset him as he seems to have become worse in every way since starting it a fortnight ago AND his feacal incontinence has started again????? A question for his consultant i suppose?

    Thanks again to everyone,

    Love and light,

  12. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    #12 Margarita, Dec 3, 2006
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2006
    yes it could be , or his eaten something that does not agree with him .

    I just add what every one else has said relate to my mother , as in yes my mother does that to me even now , I am sorry but I do say to her , why are you staring at me stop staring and she looks away . I do no now its not her fault , but I don’t like it and when I say something it snap her out of it , ok she does not realize she doing it, but I am not going to become scared of it , so I say something .

    I must say it must be harder for you with the following part, because it is your father, I could not understand that part also in the pass with my mother. Now I would not call it oppressive, because now you are his security blanket, he only feel safe when your around, his mind must be so confused, that his own comfort safety is knowing that your around to keep him safe. He just feel lost without you

    If you was not his main carer he would get use to someone else and cling to them for safely
  13. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    I found I needed to hide several times while staying with my mother, when she was in the staring or following around stage, however now she's gone (and she isn't "in the next room" whatever anyone else might say about it) wish I hadn't hid so often or for so long.
  14. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    near London
    Hi Lila,
    I know what you mean, but please don't dwell on it. We all do the best we can in the circumstances we find. Can do no more!

    Retrospectively we believe we can always have done better, but that is not real life. We do the best we can at the time.
  15. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    #15 Margarita, Dec 3, 2006
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2006
  16. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Thank you Margarita. It was an interesting site and gave a bit more insight into this awful illness. Sylvia
  17. frederickgt

    frederickgt Registered User

    Jun 4, 2005

    Yes I experience all of those ,Anna even follows me into the mens toilet when we visit local theatre,dont go any more,My own health has suffred,my lack of mobility has got worse and I am unable to move around as I would like,Anna is constantly asking me to take her home,and to visit her mother(died thirty years ago) I have just had my 79th birthday and am in poor health generally,does anyone know of any tablet or drug that will calm Anna down and let me get some peace? I dont want to put her into a home,I want to look asfter her myself but it is becoming more and more difficult,she will ask me to take her home every few minutes.Mind you she paid me a great compliment the other day,she actually proposed marriage to me! (we have been married 39 years) I must be doing smething right!
    But oh for a quiet tablet!
  18. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    frederickgt have you talk to your wife doctor about this ? I am sure he must be able to offer her something ?
  19. jan.

    jan. Registered User

    Apr 19, 2006
    Cheshire, UK.
    Thanks Margarita for the interesting information, i found it enlightening. " They say", ignorance is bliss......but it certainly isn`t with this disease.

    Dad hadn`t eaten anything out of the ordinary.....i only wish it was something that easy to correct, but sadly the faecal incontinence continues. I can only assume , until otherwise confirmed, that dad has now passed the stage where any medication can help him. Perhaps i`ll have to let nature take it`s course now??? I certainly can`t bear to see dad more distressed, just because of his tablets, to me he is so much better without them now.

    I don`t really know how far down the road we are with this illness, as dad was only diagnosed in April this year and i think it was a late diagnosis. Mum used to complain about his lack of memory for years before she died and she`s been gone for 4 & a half years now, so dad could have had A.D. for a number of years beforehand, we used to laugh it off saying "oh, it`s just dad, he`s not listening", etc,etc. So maybe the time has come now for a withdrawal of medication???? Like i said i`ll have to wait to see dads consultant in January when i take him for his review. It would be interesting to know what his scores would be now on the test, he scored 18 in April, but has deteriorated quite rapidly since then.

    Anyway, i`m rambling on.........Thanks again Margarita for the info.

    Love Jan. :)
  20. carolyn

    carolyn Registered User

    Dec 1, 2006
    obsessions and fears

    my partner wont go out to any social event any more. freinds invite us to lunch, people in he ub invite ua to go there, weddings come and go. He doesnt want o go to anything unless it involves his sons who live in Vancouvr. So he did make the big effort to go there in June with my help.

    he lies all day staring t the wall with the windows and curtains closed. He does peak any more, or very little.

    But he want me there all the time. He doesnt like me being outside in the garden. Now the big exciting trip of the day is to go to Sainsbury..but he wont let me look at anything and hovers around me urging me to hurry to we can go home.

    he has car but believes it is only usfeul for short trips. Otherwise we use my car. But this broke down onthe mototwary and i didnt have it for a week. He wouldnt let me use his car and he wouldnt take me to work or collect me. We live eight miles from the station. I have a three mile work the other end as well.

    He refuses to get hi own car serviced. Now he is worried my car will not be big enough to collect his sons from the airport in march,

    His time orientation has changed. I was working 9-5 or 1-10pm in the hospital. He called 999 one night. I was sacked because i couldnt do the evening shifts any more.

    his day is spent lying down with the curtains closed, worrying aout getting to the airport in march,

    I need to work because i pay the bils and provide the house. He likes the house but the garden is over an acre. I cant do this anymore on my own becuse my back and neck and arm are damaged. But he wont allow me to have a grdener in to help.

    he doesnt ewant to move either. I drive him to see places but he is not interested.

    his obsession is with his money (he has plenty), saving it for his sons, and seeing his sons.

    it is heart breaking enough to see this happen to him but my own future is also now in fiancial jeopardy.

    i think maybe when people wer a litle obsessive before therse trats become more exaggerate and we must try to undertand them


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