1. Our next Q&A session is on the topic of Christmas and dementia.This time we want our Q&A to involve our resident experts, you! Share tips and advice on navigating Christmas here in this thread.

    Pop by and post your questions or if you prefer you can email your question to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

Obsession with sex

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Earls, Nov 14, 2015.

  1. Earls

    Earls Registered User

    Nov 14, 2015
    Can anyone advise, my husband has medium stage double dementia and is very contented most of the time but has started over last couple of moths to want to hold my hand all the time, is continually telling e he loves me and wants sex. As we have not slept together for some time and I now see myself as a carer more than a wife I find the whole idea upsets me, I do love him but not in love itch him. Is this normal
  2. witsend~1

    witsend~1 Registered User

    Jul 16, 2014
    North Lincolnshire
    Speak to his CPN and GP. I am and was in exactly the same situation and they recommended medication. I still get the 'I love you so very much' and requests for a kiss but rarely requests for sex. Like you, the man i married and still love is not the same person, he is the man I care for. Best of luck and hugsx
  3. Bugsbunny4

    Bugsbunny4 Registered User

    Nov 6, 2015
    I understand

    My husband became very demanding with respect to sex about 3yrs ago. Every day he wanted to have some kind of sexual experience and to keep the peace I usually obliged thinking it might change his grumpy attitude. It never did but at the time I didn't recognise this increase in demands was a part of his dementia. He seemed to think we should be spending all our time together in bed, and because I said I didn't think that was normal he decided I didn't want him.
    Things have progressed a lot since then and he is now in care but not settling at all. I am sure this is because he has no way of relieving his pent up physical needs.
  4. Earls

    Earls Registered User

    Nov 14, 2015
    Thank u so much makes me feel better knowing I am not on my own, what I did not mention is that my husband is 84 and I am 67, he was diagnosed with vascular dementia and Alzheimer's . I will go and see his GP but feel a bit embarrassed may talk to Alzheimer's counsellor or social worker.
    Love and hugs to u too xx
  5. Earls

    Earls Registered User

    Nov 14, 2015
    Thanks for your reply my heart goes out to u its so very difficult, I think my husband thinks he is 30 not 84. Have no intention of getting into having sex every time he asks, another forum friend suggested seeing his GP as he may be able to get some medication.
    Hugs and love xx
  6. 1mindy

    1mindy Registered User

    Jul 21, 2015
    I learn so much on this forum. My OH is continually asking ,but not getting. It's not the same when you are a carer. Certainly I love him but very much in a different way.
  7. pamann

    pamann Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    I had the same problem with my hubby, it is a common thing with Alzheimers, my hubby could not finish what he started, l have a dear friend she has the same problem with her hubby, she now sleeps in a spare bedroom, and has too lock the door. ☺☺
  8. Jennyc

    Jennyc Registered User

    Oct 3, 2011
    I developed a "bad back" about a year ago when things got obsessive but he could not finish what he started. After over four years of being a carer I feel very different to being a wife. I look after small grandchildren one day a week and they are heavy, so that is the excuse for my back, and why I need to sleep in a separate bed. Husband still asks all the time, but I explain that my back is bad, so then he is sympathetic but hopes it will get better soon. So far it works and hopefully will continue to do so until he doesn't feel the urge so much.
  9. theoh

    theoh Registered User

    Nov 11, 2015
    I love this board, you are all talking about the problems I have been having and no one to share with and find out if I am reacting normally to his actions.

    I have been having the menopause (that's my excuse - well I have but longer than most!). I love him dearly and always will but just not that way now as it is not him any more. He needs reassuring that I still love him and so lots of hugs, telling him I love him and cuddles in the morning as part of him is convinced I will run off with a younger model as I am much younger than him. It works at the moment and hopefully will continue to do so for a while longer.
  10. Lucy Grace

    Lucy Grace Registered User

    Jul 24, 2015
    Hello Earls

    I was relieved to read your story as my husband has been making all sorts of suggestions and trying to stoke me and we have not had sex for 5-6 yrs with no mention of it. I find it quite creepy as now being his carer I certainly do not find him sexually attractive anymore. It is very sad because he is a tall - good looking man but he is a shadow of his former self.

    Take care

    Lucy Grace
  11. 1mindy

    1mindy Registered User

    Jul 21, 2015
    The menopause does certainly have its uses .
  12. leicester61

    leicester61 Registered User

    Aug 26, 2012
    So glad to see I am not the only one with this problem, I too now see my OH in a different way, however I did ' give in' not so long ago, unfortunately or fortunately he found it thoroughly disgusting and was so close to being sick i ended up laughing, (quietly to myself that is). Now when he makes any suggestions I remind him that he didnt like it, of course hes forgot that he didnt like it but having the actual conversation seems to dampen his ardour. So other than his odd Benny Hill moment I can cope with it. I must say though if there is anything on the TV that looks like there may be any type of sex scenes I quickly turn over lol.
  13. Earls

    Earls Registered User

    Nov 14, 2015
    Love and blessings
  14. gringo

    gringo Registered User

    Feb 1, 2012
    Many threads are very sad, but this one makes me sigh.
    Being a male I join the discussion with some reluctance.
    I understand and sympathise with anyone caring for a partner suffering from dementia. But this forum dominated as it is by a large female majority, at times, as can be seen from this thread, has little patience or understanding and even less sympathy with, the misfortunes of being male.
    Having said that, to be frank, I would walk on broken glass if it would brighten up my wife's dementia world.
    At my age I can affirm that one benefit of ageing, perhaps the only one, was given by Sophocles, in answer to a query about the effects of ageing, on the male libido. ” I am only too glad to be free of all that; it is like escaping from bondage to a raging madman.”
  15. Bill Owen

    Bill Owen Registered User

    Feb 17, 2014
    Missing sex.

    my wife is only 61. Has lewy boady. Sorry im dislxise.i look after her all the time . Lov her very match. Im still ativc in the sex side . And do miss it with my wife .im only 62 my self. I miss being love has well.i so gould do with a catch. Rigth now .
  16. Del24

    Del24 Registered User

    Aug 17, 2014
    Male point of view

    I agree with Gringo the way the men are being portrayed you would not find a man writing the things that have been put on this blog.
    We have feelings and deserve to be treated with compassion.
    I try to keep my wife as happy as I can and sex is not part of our life.
    Read Contented Dementia.
  17. Trisha4

    Trisha4 Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    In order to provide balance. My husband, late 60s, has Alzheimer's. He has no interest in sex. He is not as physically affectionate as he used to be and I miss that

    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
  18. theoh

    theoh Registered User

    Nov 11, 2015
    Gringo, Personally I think this is a classic case of the difference between man and women expressing themselves.

    While only speaking for me I cherish my OH, I am devoted to him. I have nursed him on and off for 6 years (he had some serious health issues some 6 years ago involving two major surgeries and I firmly believe that the general anesthetics and morphine triggered the dementia). Being a carer and dealing the more base issues of caring for someone means I cannot relate to him in that level of intimacy anymore. Intimacy is between two consenting adults. Rather than be hurtful - no I do want to have sex with you anymore - I chose to protect his feelings and avoid hurting him by making excuses and blaming it on myself. If the situation was reversed and it was me that was ill and he was caring for me (although he readily admits he could not do for me what I do for him) I know he would do the same.

    This is not to say, as my original post that we do not still have that special closeness couples have after many years together, that deep understanding (on the good days) and the trust and bond.

    Don't be misled, personally I miss that level of intimacy, I miss having him beside me as a decision maker, a leader, a listener, an advisor, a problem solver, telling me not to worry it will be alright in the morning. I miss him helping out, bringing me a cup of coffee in the morning, getting up before me and letting me have a lie in on my one day off from work a week.

    I just miss him so much.
  19. leicester61

    leicester61 Registered User

    Aug 26, 2012
    Beautifully expressed and im sure so true for many of us, I can only say that if I have upset anyone I am very sorry. I too have cared for my OH for the last 4 years, he was diagnosed aged 52 although there were symptons there for a few yrs, I find the only way for me to cope with this vicious disease is to be as positive and happy as I can, i watch the man I love deteriorate daily and if I went down the negative route I would not be able to cope, so to be able to come to TP and express how it is and how I feel is an absolute god send.
    love and peace to all
  20. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    North East England
    I don't really understand gringo and del's misgivings about this thread. As I see it, the original poster was just asking for advice and support on a particular problem, and received it from those members who are, or have been, in a similar situation.

    No different from countless other threads, it's just that it's about a particularly personal issue.

    I think those who have posted are quite brave to have done so, given the sensitive and private nature of the thread, and I hope the original poster has gained some comfort from their posts.

    I mean no offence and hope none is taken.

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.