Nursing homes, Guilt & Families at War

[jenniferpa]

Tressa, you absolutely do NOT have to apologise for whatever you choose to do. They are your shoes, and you have to walk in them.

As noelphobic says, I hope you stay on the list as it could provide you with a valuable resource, even if it's just to vent!

Jennifer

 

[Tender Face]

Thanks for all the views and opinions, unfortunately none of it has helped, sorry.

Hi Tressa, just caught up with your post and hope you might be back to read the responses here.

I'm sorry you don't feel just now that anything has helped.... it's surprised me many times over the last few months how I have 'dismissed' something here only to find maybe days later that I have recalled some precious 'words of wisdom' or encouragement from someone and it has helped me..... lots of times I don't 'agree' with what someone else has to say (as I am sure happens when others read my posts) but I gain so much from seeing other people's perspectives... and you're absolutely right - it can only be *our* decision... I just think gaining input from people in similar - and sometimes very different - situations can really help that decision making process....

Choices mean change... and change - even if it seems for the good - also carries an element of loss .. good or bad, every loss needs to be 'grieved for' ...

I do hope you stay around. 'Lonely' is a horrible place.

Love, Karen, x

 

[Margarita]

TressaI know at the end of the day the is your decisions ,so I put my thinking cap on and all I can think of is from my own experience .

I brought my mother back from Gibraltar to live with me after my mother retired to Gibraltar in 02.

Therefore, my mother must have been in early stages when she made that move in 02.in 03 told she had AD then given Ebixa in 05 I brought my mother back to live with me

From 03 to 04 I was going over every mouth then in 04 stayed out there with mum I got a fulltime job. I had to do a hell of a lot of homework trying to work out what services there was in UK if my mum was going to live with me in the UK. I brought my mother home to live with me in UK 05 now all this change for my mother I would say had no effect on her only yes confusion, but then she settle down .

I feel it has had more effect on me. I could take stress in the past, but this stress is harder. I have had my children had a long team relationship so did not mind looking after my mother full time.

Tessa you could sell the house in Ireland and bring your mum home to you, with the money of the house you could get a full time carer. I do not know your living arrangement you could make an extension where you are living, there lots of option, or like you said put your mother in a care home near you in Belgium. of cause it would put a lot of pursuer on your relationship with your mother living with you in Belgium so your have to set down with your husband and weigh up all the pro and cons . Good luck in what you decided to do, but don’t for get let us all know how your getting on only because we all care

 

[Tressa]

Equity Release?

Thank you again to everyone who replied to my post, I have had a few dark days and am out the other side deciding to keep fighting for my mum. Margarita thank you for your suggestions, I am waiting for my solicitor to get back to me on the selling of the house. Its in both my name and my mums and unfortunately i never set up and EPA or POA so I need to see if its possible to sell the house. I have been reading about Equity Release and wonder has anyone come across it? If mums half of the house could be released then if it could be used to pay for her care at home, I am not sure if this is an option, just wondered if anyone had come across it?

 

[Helena]

Equity release is unlikely to resolve your problem

1) you can get a roll up mortgage but the interest rate is higher than normal and it sure soon racks up and removes any benefit

2) seling a % of the house is the other way BUT the compaines take 40% plus fees so for every £1000,000 you release you will only get £60,000 less survey and legal fees which could add £2000

Quite honestly its better to sell the property than try equity release

in order to pay your Mums NH fees Social Services could put a lien on the 50 % of the house to be repaid when you do sell

 

[Lucille]

Tressa

I agree with Helena and would steer clear of equity release schemes at the moment. A lot of providers work in isolation and are not regulated by the FSA. Adverts for equity release schemes are usually accompanied by glowing testimonials, grinning couples arm in arm (and a pet of some description and/or pot plant). I'd flog the house, if that's the route you feel you must take to care for your mum.

Good luck with it ... and glad you posted back. To quote Karen: 'Lonely is a horrible place'.

 

[Tender Face]

Hi Tressa....

Great to see you back and being able to recognise some 'dark days' - Goodness... don't we all have them from time to time???? What we're here for ... to try to help each other (I think) ... goodness knows last few days I've been 'brung up' by my bootlaces to keep on fighting - for myself and for mum..... cried, laughed..... despaired, given up, fought again..... laughed, giggled, cried.... you know.....

Just one word of caution (and the hugest amount of thanks - cause you brought up something I haven't thought about....) ... I feel we are reminded often here (quite rightly) that no-one is a 'medic' - but neither is anyone here a qualified 'financial advisor'.......

Quite honestly its better to sell the property than try equity release

Tressa, I admire you for seeking out all options to secure your mum's well-being... and Helena, I am not discounting that 'equity release' may NOT be a good option.... but I think we are all here living in a world which necessitates looking at options (medical/financial) which maybe some of us had never thought of before on either an individual or more global level......

Some sufferers and their carers don't have 'equity' to worry about... who's worrying about them???

 

[Brucie]

I have found that being embroiled in this whole dementia thing for so long has taught me a number of enormous lessons.

One of these is clearly that sometimes we have to think the unthinkable, even do the [previously] unthinkable.

What was unthinkable yesterday may be the main dish on life's menu today, simply because that is the only thing that will work in our particular circumstances, at the time.

The key thing is to consider all options, no matter how bizarre, then make the best decision we can at the time having done so.

 

[Helena]

Apologies if I did not add to my bit on Equity Release the fact that I have thoroughly researched the whole scenario of Equity release both from the view of releasing funds and from the view of reducing my assets liable for Inheritance Tax

Every bit of advice i received from countless sources showed that it really only benefits either the roll up mortgage provider or the equity release company in that either way they make about 45% on the deal

 

[Brucie]

Hi Helena

that's really useful information.

Yes, it is a good idea to post qualifying material along with the original post. Every iota of information can help people understand what they need to consider, even if, in the end they go their own route.

 

[Tressa]

Thanks Helena and Lucille,

yep it doesnt seem like an option so back to the drawing board, I hate this bloody drawing board, seem to spend my life at it!!

Regards

Tressa

 

[Tender Face]

I have thoroughly researched the whole scenario of Equity release both from the view of releasing funds and from the view of reducing my assets liable for Inheritance Tax

Hi Helena - absolutely agree with you in terms of the 'no such thing as a free lunch' - HOWEVER ....

I will openly admit that one 'stunner' in all this is realising what might have been a fairly humble inheritance may now well go into NH / care fees but at the end of the day, my mum's biggest asset is her home ... my mum and dad worked damned hard for it ... now I have to recognise that her home may have to 'work for her'.

That 'humble inheritance', were it ever to materialise, may help recompense (financially) for the years I have either not worked (in paid employment) or only been able to hold down a part-time job because of 'caring' responsibilities..... but that has been my choice.... I don't feel inheritance is some 'right' to expect ....

In terms of 'stunners', inheritance seems so insignificant.... realising that no money in the world can secure mum's health and happiness is tough (e.g., private medical care has been a Godsend and undoubtedly a 'lifesaver' in the past).

I don't want to take a 'moral high ground' but if any measurable 'assets' mum has can be put to help HER - then SHE is the one earned the benefit of them..... if that means a percentage of her assets go to some private 'enterprise' and not me... then so be it... if that's the road we have to travel....

I'm so grateful to Tressa for highlighting a possible option which I personally can bear in mind for the future.... and grateful that there IS an element of safeguarding money/assets in my particular situation..... for some people, 'money worries' are of an entirely different nature.....

Perhaps I am naive to think of the 'here and now', not the future without mum. Blast any damned inheritance!!! Money is only money.....

TF