1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. shay

    shay Registered User

    Jul 13, 2006
    1
    Maryland
    This is my first time posting anything. My dad is 69 years old and was diagnosed with alzheimers 5 years ago. He has probably had it for 8-9 years. Recently he has went downhill. Mental status is worsening. Unable to feed himself at times and walking everywhere. My mom has been his primary caregiver, however she is wearing down and can't do it anymore. My brother and I are very supportive of her and placing him in a nursing home. We actually sent in the application today. We are feeling so guilty and even though we know it's the right thing for my mom it's still hard. If anyone has any experiences to share or any advice we would appreciate it. Also we recently started my dad on Seroquel in addition to his Aricept and Namenda. If anyone has any testimonies on Seroquel that would be nice.

    Thankyou for Listening,

    Shay
     
  2. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Shay,
    Welcome to TP. My brother and I had to help my father make the decision for my mum to go into a Nursing Home, in January this year. It is so hard, even when you know that it is the right thing to do. Have you found a Nursing Home and been to look around? Keep in mind that you are taking the decision to ensure that your dad gets the best care that he can (as mum is nolonger able to give that, the disease has progressed too far), and to safeguard your mum's health.
    Try to view it as a house move, dad is moving home, not 'being put in a Home', and all the horrible connotations that has. You will still have a relationship with him, he will still need your love and support, but there will be others around to help with the daily care.
    I cannot lie, I found the first few weeks very difficult, and cried over this keyboard a lot, but we are all adjusting. We take mum out in her wheelchair, we take her home (it is close enough to walk) some days. I have put a TV in her room and go and sit with her sometimes and we put on a film or listen to a CD. (Mum is in advanced stage, so I don't know what she is aware of). My dad is more relaxed, and is now having the chance to get to know his grandsons in a way that he couldn't when caring for mum full time. It does still hurt, but it is manageable most of the time.
    I am sure others will have lots to say.
    Love,
    Helen
     
  3. rummy

    rummy Registered User

    Jul 15, 2005
    700
    Oklahoma,USA
    Hi,
    Helen has said it all. We had to put my Mom in a home just a week ago and it was extremely hard, still is. I am taking Helen's advice and giving it time. When I go to visit I just want to scoop my Mom up and bring her home but I know she is where she needs to be. Mom lived with my step Dad and he just couldn't take care of her any more or keep her safe, so for the first time in months, she smells good, her hair is washed and she is more continant because they toilet their residents regularly. She is eatting better and has company 24/7.
    What caught me by surprise was the grief I have felt by simply her not being in my daily life. It is hard. Like Helen said though, it will get better with time.
    Good luck and I hope you and your family have a easy transition.
    take care,
    Debbie
     
  4. CraigC

    CraigC Registered User

    Mar 21, 2003
    6,630
    London
    Hi Shay,

    You have come to the right place to ask this question. Many of us have been through this difficult transition and yes it is painful. Dad has been in a home now for almost a year and I still remember the guilty feelings, still get them. It was so terrible for my mum as she was with dad every day. We probably left it too late as she was having trouble coping so it is best not to leave it too late in case your mum gets ill herself.

    So what makes the transition easier. From my experience, try and get to know the people who run and work in the home as best as you can. A good home will not be upset if you keep ringing especially early on, just to check how he is, how he is settling in and if they need anything. If you get time, tell the staff a bit about your dad, his history, his life before alzheimers and all about his family. This makes the whole experience more personal and will help them understand who your dad is. If you can take in photos of the family and a few from his past all the better. I now a have a great relationship with the staff and particulary the home manager and know that she feels comforatable ringing me about anything and vice versa. This in turn has helped me with all those emotions you mentioned, particularly the guilt.

    Also support you mum if you can. It will be such are hard time for her and she will be prone to depression. Again providing practical help to your mother and emotional support will help with your emotions.

    Above all, try and rid yourself of the guilt (not easy I know). As carers, we just do the best that we can but there comes a point when you need to draw on the help of others. The staff at the home all get plenty of 'breaks' which full time carers rarely get - so your dad is probably going to get very well looked after.

    Just my humble ol ramblngs
    Take care and feel free to post more questions
    Kind Regards
    Craig
     
  5. Kayla

    Kayla Registered User

    May 14, 2006
    621
    Kent
    My Mum had to go into a NH november last year, as she had broken her hip and was no longer weight bearing. Her rheumatoid arthritis had made physiotherapy problematic and her vagueness had suddenly become complete disorientation. The Care Home staff couldn't meet her nursing needs, but the nurses at the NH were more experienced, and able to cope with a very dependent patient in a wheelchair. Mum cried every day for much of the time for several months, but has now settled down and made some friends in the NH. The staff are very kind and often go out of their way to be helpful.
    I know that I couldn't cope with Mum, if the care home couldn't, and she does demand a lot of attention as she is unable to do much for herself. It was distressing leaving her so upset and wanting to escape, but she was very unhappy in her own home because she was frightened of her hallucinations. She needs company and 24 hour care which I couldn't possibly provide and now her imaginary people are more friendly and she isn't scared any more. Free from the worry of day to day care, it is possible to spend quality time with Mum.
    Kayla
     
  6. janices666

    janices666 Registered User

    Jun 23, 2006
    19
    Kent
    #6 janices666, Jul 19, 2006
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2006
    Nursing home.

    Hi everyone,
    Sorry i have not been on TP for a while. My husband went into a care home 11 months ago and you are all right it is very painfull, for a long time afterwards i felt very quilty and emotional, but it does get easier. I still get very tearful at times because i do miss him, and the house seems very quite without him here, but i know he is in the best place. I know he is happy as he can be and he is looked after really well, and he always clean, tidy and shaved. I went to see him yesterday and he did seem very contented, he does not talk very much but he did smile and gave me a wink, which he does not do very much these days which was nice. He does not go out at all not even into the garden which is a bit of a worry, but you cannot force them can you.
    Janice.
     
  7. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Last week I went to visit my wife [also Janice] at the home where she has lived for the past 5 years. The first two years we would often go into the garden and I would at first walk with her, then later wheel her.

    Since then we have mostly crawled in her "soft room" inside the home.

    But last week I wheeled her back into the garden, under a huge umbrella, where, even on a very hot day, the breeze played around us.

    She seemed really content and thus, so was I.

    Take each day as it comes, is the motto. Your husband may not go out into the garden at the moment, but he may do so one day again.

    A couple of weeks ago, I drove the hour and 50 miles to see Jan, only to be told she had been taken out for the day with the other residents. They went to the home of one of the great care workers at her care home. Okay, I had to drive the hour and 50 miles back, not having seen Jan - and more importantly for me, with her not realising I had tried to see her - but hey, Jan went out.

    How life has to change, eh?
     
  8. Brakes

    Brakes Registered User

    May 22, 2005
    3
    Bath
    My dear wife was sectioned under the Mental Health Act 5 weeks ago and taken into hospital. She had become violent and with her Alzheimers, the mix was explosive. In my opinion she will never come home. Whilst she is now calm, no doubt due to the drugs, her mental state has worsened and I am not sure she knows who I am. Sooner or later the Hospital Authorities will have to make a decision as to her future, which is likely to be a Nursing Home. I have been told by NHS staff that if she is paid for, she is likely to get into a better Home. This is all new to me and I wonder if anyone has experience of this type of situation.
     
  9. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Brakes,
    Good to hear from you again.
    I suggest that you might want to have a look at the following factsheet
    469 Local authority, When does it pay for care?, Oct 2004
    Click on factsheets at top left of page.
    I know some people seem to feel that the Nursing Homes that the councils use are not as good as others; I have no experience of this so cannot help. I know that the NH my mum is in is also used by the Local Authority for respite care, I dn't know if there are Local Authority longterm beds though.
    Others may be able to give you more guidance.
    Best wishes.
    Helen
     
  10. Kayla

    Kayla Registered User

    May 14, 2006
    621
    Kent
    I was really upset one day when I went to Mum's NH and she didn't seem to know who I was. She actually said,"A daughter, How could I have a daughter?" I felt like my world had collapsed as I drove home. The next time Mum did know who I was and there have been no problems since. She was literally back in time, to when she was a girl, and so couldn't remember me, because in her own mind she was in the War Years, before she was even married.
    One good thing about a NH is that the patients are constantly monitored and medication can be changed quickly if necessary. It took them ages to get Mum's drugs right, but now she has got used to the home, she is much happier than before.
    Kayla
     
  11. noelphobic

    noelphobic Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    3,452
    Liverpool
    My understanding is that if someone has been sectioned then they are entitled to have their care paid for. It may be that if you are willing and able to pay for her care then you will have more choice in where she goes but I just wanted to mention this in case you want to investigate it further. In many cases people who are paid for by the local authority are in the same home as people who are self funding. That is quite usual in my area, but I understand that this may be different in other areas.
     
  12. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    also in mine


    When my mother was in emergency respite for 3 mouths my mother was in a privately run nursing home that took people who are paid for by the local authority full time.

    I only know this because when I use to visit mum I would talk about this issue with the other visitor, it’s all down to having a good social worker that can refer, support you in the home of your choice .

    Do you have a Socail worker that you can talk about this to ?
     

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