Nursing Home release

[stabilo]

Hello
My mum has Late-onset Dementure and is nearly 89, she was diagnosed 4 years ago but it took 2 years to diagnose as kept on putting it down to a thyroid problem
Mum lived with my dad who was 90 at the time and was slowly getting worse and her agitation was really bad and of course, my Dad got the brunt of it all the time, my dad was not well himself at the time and we so desperately tried to get Meds to calm mum down but was told that they didn't like to issue sedatives as Mum would have been a risk of falls and because she lives with my frail Dad this was not going to be an option so because of this we decided to put mum into care. After 5 months in a care home, the care home decided they wanted Mum out as she had a problem with another resident whom she thought was my dad. Mum was on anti-depressants and Lorazepam at the time of the problems. After weeks of looking for a good Nursing Home with a good cqc report we managed to find one that was 30 miles away. My dad died last August and I feel I am now in a position to bring Mum home to finish her final time with her family as it is a struggle with Covid getting to see her more regularly. I have mentioned this to the Social worker and they are going to visit her next week to see how her aggression is with other people, but I just wondered if anybody had been through a similar experience and what to expect
Thank you

 

[melli]

Hi @stabilo, Its such a hard time deciding what to do for the best. I'm not sure if there is a right answer. I had wondered if I gave up work I could see to my Mom. However after a full CHC review with the whole team who see care for her, the nursing home, the GP, the care staff, Mental heath and social worker - I was astounded at what support she needed in a 24 hour period. Most of which didn't cross my mind. It was a real eye opener, from wandering at night, to bouts of refusals to eat/ wash/ blood tests and GP check ups, skin care and foot care and the list went on and on. I realised without that sort of support at home I couldn't do it alone.
I would do some research into it, sleep on it and see how you feel. i do understand how you feel and when you walk away from the visit you think it would be easier to take them with you, however Im not sure that works out in reality. I am sure there will be lots of people on here tough to give you a real insight into the pros and cons - take care x

 

[Snuffette]

It is so difficult, I regularly question myself and wonder if I have done the right thing with my mum (she is 90, mixed dementia). Only the other day when I visited I thought "if her speech was ok, I wouldn't know she had dementia". In reality, this is of course sheer fantasy on my part. Mum needs help going to the loo, dressing (sometimes), eating (sometimes), she is unsteady on her feet etc, and gets so much more out of being in an environment with more people other than just me to keep her occupied during the day. I found it pretty stressful visiting her twice a week when she was in her own home, so there is no way I could do so now. Think very carefully, take on board all advice given and remember that you also have your own health to think about, and life!

 

[MartinWL]

Bear in mind that dementia only gets worse. We all live in hope, but is it realistic that you will be able to care for her well at home?

 

[Violet Jane]

I think that you need to find out from the home exactly what support your mother needs in terms of personal care, whether she is incontinent, whether she sleeps at night, whether she wanders and whether her aggression is just directed at this one resident.

Is it likely that your mother’s agitation and difficult behaviour have improved since she went into the care home?

What practical support would you have if your brought your mother home and what has your mother’s attitude been towards carers, sitters, day centres and respite in the past?

You could of course give it a try without committing yourself to caring for your mother to the end. I don’t know if you work. If you do I would think very, very carefully about giving up your job as it’s very possible that you will find caring for your mother too much to cope with. You could ask your employer for a sabbatical for a month and see how things go. A month might be long enough to see whether caring for your mother at home is going to work out.

 

[JHA]

My mom lived alone (no carers apart from me going over every day and ringing late afternoon). Unfortunately just before Christmas she begun to wander at night which resulted in GP, SS and Mental Health getting involved. I was told she either needed 24/7 carers or a respite bed whilst we worked out what could be done. I ended up staying with her at night and taking her home with me during the day - I lasted 8 days then had to admit defeat and arrange a respite bed with the intention to make it permanent. Its early days at the moment - my mom has not really settled and wants to go home - hopefully it will get better. We are all different but I know I cannot keep her safe 24/7 and juggle my own family at the same time. She would not accept carers and I think the company of other people at a care home will be more beneficial to her.