Nothing i can do

[grove]

Hello Everybody , The title might seem a bit odd but this is not about my Father who has moderate plus Dementia ( 5 years ++ ) but rather about my Mum who has cared for Dad non stop with no respite ( not even a Day Club) since 2009 ( luckly we live near each other & try & support them both as much as I can) Once a week I have a main meal with them (normally early evening ) & wish had not gone this week as Mum looked very , very tired & then today found out she has cancelled her weekly Yoga Class ! In the past I used too look after Dad when Mum went but sadly due too my new Job I work on Yoga day . Mum is very , very stubbon & thinks she knows best 100 per cent & will not allow ANY HELP etc from our Family Support Worker etc . So like the title says there is nothing I CAN DO ! Am not looking for advice just needed too tell some body etc ( and vent ? ) ( Mum blames being tired because she is slow in cleaning the House etc ! as if I would think that was TRUE ! & no she would not pay for a House Keeper ! !


Thank you

From Grove x x


P S ..... Edit too add think what am trying too say am worried because Mum does not have any ME time * as she has cancelled Yoga

 

[Helen33]

Hello Grove,

It is very worrying indeed to witness our loved ones trying to do the impossible. I know my daughter has had times when she has felt like you because she has seen the effects of stress on me. It took me a long time to make changes but I did it eventually. I feel so much for what my daughter must have gone through. She was a brilliant support to me because she never pressurised me. She would suggest things and then leave it with me - like sowing a seed.

Sending you love and a hug and hope you are enjoying your new job.

 

[CollegeGirl]

Grove, I'm just off to bed but didn't want to read and run. You know the old saying .. You can lead a horse to water ...?

You are so supportive of your mum and dad, but sometimes there is nothing you can do, because sometimes they have to want to do it for themselves and if your mum is not in that frame of mind there will be nothing you can do. I have learned this the hard way and spent many many days and nights worrying, trying to persuade my dad to do the things that I wanted him to do before I realised that he has every right to do the things he wants to do.

So, if your mum has cancelled her yoga class, try not to worry for the time being. Maybe in time she will come round, or maybe there will be something else she could do at another time when you are free to help?

Big hugs for you because I know you are feeling sad tonight xx

 

[Grannie G]

I`m afraid your mother will have to find her own way Grove, no matter how painful it is for you to see how tired she is.
It is so common with carers, particularly those caring after a long marriage to keep on and on and on.
She will know when the time is right.

 

[creativesarah]

Lots of support Grove my dad was very stubborn

Just keep sowing the seeds and one day your mum will probably think getting some help was all her own idea!Then she will act upon it

Lots of love Sarah

 

[Saffie]

Hello Grove.
Perhaps it's not just that you are working now on your mother's Yoga night, perhaps she is also feeling too tired to be going out to it now. It happens, I'm afraid.
We know that it's in our best interests to get out of the house and take our minds off the daily care and worry routine but then eventually, it seems just too much effort.

Your help at other times to give your mother a break, as you do, will I'm sure always be welcomed. As to having help in the house, that is a difficult one but it is hard to let go sometimes, even a little, and it takes some adjusting to let a stranger into your house.
You are a great support to your parents and they are very fortuate to have you on board.

 

[BeckyJan]

Hi Grove,
Just a little story. I found out only recently that in the time I was struggling with David here at home, one of our daughters joined TP (unknown to me at the time) and asked the question 'How can I help'.
JenniferPa replied and said to do pretty much what you are already doing for your Mum and Dad. Sadly our daughters lived further away so it was not quite so easy.

So you are doing an immense amount already - and often its just emotional support and understanding we need. It could be your Mum no longer enjoys Yoga as much as she did as I am sure she would find a way if she really wanted to go.

When you visit will she let you do some ironing or some dusting or such jobs where she does not feel you are taking over?

Also if she is so tired maybe she should have a check up with the GP, so that he/she can keep an eye on her health too.

 

[jeany123]

Hello Grove I just wondered if it's because of the dark nights that your mum doesn't feel like going out. I know it's a long time off but she might be fine once the light nights are here again,
I do take notice of what my children say and any ideas put forward are thought about and either acted on or discarded whatever I think is appropriate, If you put the ideas of what she could do into her mind at least you have done your best and will just have to leave it to her to decide what to do,
They are lucky to have you being so concerned about them and you are doing all you can,

I just read back and realise it might not be a night that her yoga classes are on, if not just ignore me

Jeany x

 

[angecmc]

Hi Grove my Dad was just like your Mum would not let anyone help except me, until he became so ill himself that he had no choice and also by then I was also suffering healthwise, he left it so late that by the time he let anyone in to help it was already too late and it ended with Mum in permanent care. I hope your Mum sees sense before it is too late, but you have said and done as much as you can, so no beating yourself up please xx

Ange

 

[garnuft]

No advice Grove, I'm as stubborn as a mule so I can't condemn others for the same traits Sorry that it's made you worry though and I hope your Mam manages to find another activity that takes her away from the coalface, so to speak. Hope your job is going well. XXX

 

[Izzy]

Sorry I'm late coming to this thread Grove. Others have said it all. Thinking of you. x

 

[Rageddy Anne]

Just a thought. Can your Mum afford help in the house? I wouldn't be surprised if she is missing yoga due to being too tired to make the effort.