Not wanting to stay with main carer

[pinkpalace27]

HI everyone, I am new to this forum and reading through the threads you sound like lifesavers.

My mum was diagnosed with Alzheimers just over 3 years ago ( although, as with so many, we suspect she had been suffered longer than that) . Her symptoms have escalated significantly since the death of her daughter ( my sister) in November. The death was due to COVID and was therefore very sudden and unexpected.

Mum lives at home with my Dad, who is her main carer, but in the last couple of months she has become increasingly anxious in his company. She often doesn't recognise him and doesn't want him in the house with her. She calls him all sorts of names and is terrified when she is alone with him - she will be crying/screaming/trying to leave the house. She will talk constantly about wanting to go home or wanting to into into a home.

We are trying different types of distraction and trying to have her medication assessed. We currently have no support as we have been dealing with it as a family, but I don't know how long that can be sustained.

Any advice or practical guidance would be greatly appreciated.

Thank so so much in advance.

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @pinkpalace27 and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. This is a very friendly and supportive place and you'll get lots of help and advice here.
First of all so sorry to hear about your sister, that must have been a horrible shock to the whole family.
Secondly has your mum been checked recently in case she has an infection. Urinary tract infections or chest infections can play havoc with the well being of people with dementia and the symptoms are not always obvious.
Thirdly it sounds that things have progressed to the stage where help from the family isn't enough and you probably need some outside help. This link Get support | Alzheimer's Society outlines what is available, and I'm sure others who have been in a similar situation will be along shortly with their experiences and advice.
This link Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired has good ideas about how you can distract your mother when she is at her most distressed. I never found the advice easy to follow with my mother so don't beat yourself up if it doesn't always work. When I did manage to use it, it did help a lot at keeping my mother calm.

 

[MartinWL]

I think you're going to need to have a chat with your dad as his interests must be considered along with your mum's. Assuming he is fully well and able to consider the issues, thought needs to be given to whether he can cope with the abuse he is getting. It must be absolutely horrible for him. Sadly it might be better for him if your mum went into residential care. I had a dilemma about whether my father could cope that influenced the decision, for different reasons, and whilst their separation is awful, the opposite might have been worse. In my case my mother's physical infirmity has made a care home inevitable anyway so the dilemma has gone away. I wonder if your dad might need help to understand that things only get worse, there being no cure, and that the toll on him, even with extra help, may be a high one.

 

[lemonbalm]

Hello @pinkpalace27

I'm sorry to read about your sister and the problems that your parents are having. I see that you have already had some good advice. I hope that a review of medication will improve the situation. A low dose anti-anxiety medication can often be very beneficial.

For future reference, the link below might be useful. You can search for care homes using various criteria and it has some useful information at the bottom of the main page (types of care home, funding and so on). You may not need this now but it might be good to take a look just in case:

Care Homes & Nursing Homes UK – Care Home Reviews & Nursing Home Reviews

Guide to over 17,500 care homes, nursing homes and residential homes providing care in the UK, also the leading UK review site for care homes and nursing homes.

www.carehome.co.uk