Not wanting to return to care home

Discussion in 'Welcome and how to use Dementia Talking Point' started by re5pectred, Aug 23, 2019.

  1. re5pectred

    re5pectred Registered User

    Dec 7, 2016
    2
    Just wanted a little advice from anyone who has genuinely been in our situation please. Mam was admitted to residential care 4 weeks ago. Ever since, between the 4 of us, we have visited her daily and taken her out all day (as that is what we have always done, and what she is used to) returning her about 4-5pm, my dad then sits with her until 8pm. Returning her is getting increasingly difficult, she hates going back,she hates being locked in and can’t understand why we are doing this to her and tries to get out at every opportunity. The care home is lovely but seriously lacks stimulation/activities (can’t get the vacancy filled) and when we’ve tried to sit in there with her, as soon as she sees us she wants out no matter how hard we try to distract her, get her to socialise with the other residents. Today we have decided not to visit her for the full weekend but we know it’s going to kill her (and us) not to do so... has anyone else had a LO SO determined not to be there and how did you make it work?.. any advice appreciated x
     
  2. Louise7

    Louise7 Registered User

    Mar 25, 2016
    1,152
    Welcome to the forum. I think you are doing the best thing by not visiting your Mum over the weekend, although it may not feel like it. When first moving to a home it's important for the person to be given time to settle, get used to the home routines and staff, socialise with others and start to feel that the care home is their home. As difficult as it might be to change the routine, taking your Mum out of the home every day, for the whole day, is preventing her from settling and it is not surprising that as soon as she sees you she wants to go out. You need to get her used to her new surroundings and when my Mum first went into care family initially only visited once or twice a week for short periods. Some people will take longer than others to settle but it will be better for your Mum and the family to take a break from visiting and taking her out. Once she has settled you can try taking her out occasionally for short trips out, but also try finding activities to do in the home with her eg games, puzzles, listening to music, pampering session, manicures etc - whatever things she likes to do.
     
  3. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,696
    Female
    London
    Couldn't agree more. What's the point of a care home and how is she meant to get settled if you are taking her out of it all day? It sends a subconscious message to her that it's not a nice place to spend time in.
     
  4. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    342
    I have also been on the other side of the coin.The more you take your mum out,the harder it is for the carers to settle her.With the unsettling your mum could be taking it out on the carers or other residents. As far as she is able to understand it,she wants to go .So if anything gets in her way,it will not help her to settle.She needs to get into a routine.Getting up, washed breakfast etc.Plus,you are probably confusing her..Remember ,there is a reason why she is there...
     
  5. northumbrian_k

    northumbrian_k Registered User

    Mar 2, 2017
    755
    Male
    Newcastle
    I agree with all that has been said about taking her out so much. Admitting her to a care home is a fundamental change to her circumstances and it can't just be business as usual. She will never settle if she isn't allowed the time to do so. I can't imagine how your Dad must feel sitting with her for 3 hours every day. I didn't visit my wife for a week when she first went into care and now spend about an hour with her 4 times a week. I am sure that this has helped her to settle. It seems as though you want to go on as if nothing has changed when really everything has. Reducing the frequency of visiting, taking her out only on occasion and not staying too long will all help in reconciling her to her new life. It is hard to do but the fairest thing all round.
     
  6. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,951
    Suffolk
    OH went into a carehome for respite, twice, and a different carehome when I could no longer cope. Every time it was suggested I didn’t visit for two weeks to allow him to settle.
     
  7. re5pectred

    re5pectred Registered User

    Dec 7, 2016
    2
    Thank you. It's so distressing leaving her in their for 48 hours knowing there is absolutely no stimulation/activities. She loves going out to bingo, charity shopping, feeding the birds, out for walks in fact just being out in the fresh air. She says she doesnt belong in there with all those mental people and cant believe why we've done this to her. It breaks my heart. She just wont go back in after taking her out for a lovely day
     
  8. Louise7

    Louise7 Registered User

    Mar 25, 2016
    1,152
    Your Mum sounds very 'able' - can I ask why she was placed in care as it sounds like there were some problems that you haven't posted about. Did the home have lots of activities going on when your Mum first arrived there? It may be that the home is not the right one for your Mum and she needs one where others are as active as she is and there is frequent stimulation provided, although it won't be to the extent where she is able to carry on with her same pre-admission routine. Does the home have a garden that she can go for a walk in and where she can feed the birds? Could you take a bingo game in with you to play? Maybe have a chat with the manager to see what can be provided to help your Mum to settle and keep up some of her previous activities.
     
  9. Rosettastone57

    Rosettastone57 Registered User

    Oct 27, 2016
    976
    Do you actually know that there are no activities for her ?Have you actually spoken to the staff about what they're doing in the way of activities? Or is the information coming from her? My mother-in-law went into a care home last year and she was always telling myself and my husband about how awful the staff were and nothing was ever done for her . Well the home had a Facebook page and there she was in one of their photographs smiling with a cup of tea taking part in the activities. I agree with all the other posters . All you're doing is making it harder for the care home staff to deal with her.
     
  10. Louise7

    Louise7 Registered User

    Mar 25, 2016
    1,152
    The first post mentions that there is no stimulation/activities as they 'can't get the vacancy filled'. When Mum was first discharged from hospital social services placed her in a home where there was no stimulation during the day - she was just left sitting in a quiet lounge with not even a TV/radio or frequent contact from the care staff. The only 'entertainment' provided was once a month in the form of a 'cinema' - a film was shown on DVD! We managed to get her moved to a place which has a lovely garden and where there are frequent activities - singers and entertainers come in regularly, animals visit and there are also activities staff who arrange things so that there is something going on every day. There are some real variations around with regards to what homes consider to be 'activities' and what is provided.
     
  11. Wifenotcarer

    Wifenotcarer Registered User

    Mar 11, 2018
    232
    Central Scotland
    My OH also likes to be 'out' in the fresh air so usually when we visit we go out into the gardens surrounding the home, have a wee walk about and a seat in the sun (if any). The activities coordinator does not work at weekends so our daughters visit then. Last weekend they took a set of French Boule and had a game with OH on the lawn there, to the interest of other residents and staff and the pleasure of OH who, of course, won the game. Grandson has taken his bassoon and played for his Granpal, again to the interest of other residents. I have been taking in old photographs to discuss with OH and put into his reminiscence album and Videos/CDs of his favourite TV shows and from the various bands he played in. Again this sparks, not only His interest but the other residents who enjoy them too.

    I have yet to attempt to take him out of the Home and return him, but as he has become doubly incontinent and walks very slowly, this would be fraught with difficulty. From what you say your LO is not as far down the Dementia Road as my OH. Would it be possible to organise something for your LO in the home e,g, a Bingo session? Singalong? etc.
     
  12. Rosettastone57

    Rosettastone57 Registered User

    Oct 27, 2016
    976
    @Louise7 you're right I hadn't taken in about the vacancy not being filled . Perhaps then things will eventually change in the home. My mother-in-law was fortunate, she went into a good home with plenty going on. I remember so well visiting homes last year, where there was obviously little stimulation for residents
     

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