Not very proud of myself.

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Champers, Oct 9, 2019.

  1. Champers

    Champers Registered User

    Jan 3, 2019
    189
    Someone made a post on TP about outsiders who think that PWD are just harmless dotty old ladies. That perception is so true and so off beam. This neighbour of mum’s clearly thinks Mother is a frail old woman with a daughter who just turns up when she feels like it. She’s never been on the receiving end of Mother’s venom and spite and lies. The neighbour has probably never thought about the fact that none of Mother’s extended family want anything to do with her and that she’s hasn’t had friends for years. Therefore, despite this neighbour’s comments, I know I’ve done the right thing, morally.

    Mother may well rage and cry about being in a CH but there was no way she could have stayed in her house much longer. I received a message this morning this morning from the neighbour on the other side supporting my decision totally and telling me Mother had started ringing the emergency services because she had a pain in her hip and had started knocking on random doors asking for help with things in her house. It would only have been a matter of time until something major happened.

    Last night was the first night for months and months that I went to bed knowing both elderly ladies were completely safe and secure.
     
  2. Rosettastone57

    Rosettastone57 Registered User

    Oct 27, 2016
    1,062
    @Champers ,I'm afraid that unless someone sees dementia in action, that person really has no idea what it involves. This is my experience. My mother-in-law could take a master class in promoting herself as a victim and denigrating her family as wasters. The sad part was that in the end as the disease progressed, her friends and extended family didn't want to know.
     
  3. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    628
    I agree @Champers that you had to move your mum. The tipping point to move mum into care for us as a family was my brother being in hospital, his wife busy with young son and demanding job and my husband and I off on holiday. Mum was getting into more and more ‘scrapes’ and there would have been no one there to bail her out.
    The neighbours had been on the end of my mum’s rages and were glad to see her move. Hope your mum is settling in, I’d avoid visiting too often at first if you can.
     
  4. Champers

    Champers Registered User

    Jan 3, 2019
    189
    I rang the CH to touch base and see how things had gone last night.

    Not unexpectedly, Mother kicked off majorly once she realised what had happened. The staff tried the gentle coaxing method to start with, which inflamed the tantrum even more with lots of banging of the walking stick on the ground! However, once she received the firm “headteacher” talk, she immediately complied, became passive and said, “That sounds like a good idea.” :rolleyes:
    Quite rightly, it’s been suggested that I don’t visit for a few days as they’ve told her that they are “unable to contact me” to give her settling in time.
     
  5. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,156
    Toronto, Canada
    @Champers Yes, I agree that you should stay away for a few days at least, if not a week. Even then, see what the staff say about your visiting.

    Your mother is not the first to kick off once they realize what happened and won't be the last. Good staff (and these sound like very good staff) can handle the tantrums and rages better than we can because they are not emotionally invested.
     
  6. manArgentina

    manArgentina Registered User

    Aug 10, 2019
    42
    Male
    Mendoza, Argentina
    Yesterday, went early to visit my mother, we had a very good day, when became night, just a couple of comments of her, about such a silly thing, and I lost it, just snapped, I started saying bad thing and lost it, make her feel so bad and sad, for such a little thing, still feel bad today because of that, hate treating her bad... and because such a little thing, but... dont know, I was under too anxiety.
     
  7. Champers

    Champers Registered User

    Jan 3, 2019
    189

    I’m so sorry, I must have missed your post, ManArgentina. One thing I’ve learnt since I started this thread is that, if there’s any small advantages of dementia, is that the sufferer doesn’t seem to recall arguments at all! I beat myself up about losing my cool and retaliating verbally but it seems that it has had no impact on mother at all. If someone had shouted at me like I’m afraid I did with her, I would be very cool towards them for a very long time. Every time my mother sees me, it’s a whole new clean page with her. Her awareness is so poor that she will often raise the very issue that started the original confrontation in the first place!
     
  8. Champers

    Champers Registered User

    Jan 3, 2019
    189
    I visited Mother for the first time yesterday and before she saw me she was sitting, looking very relaxed, with a daily paper. As soon as she saw me she said, “Good. Have you come to take me home? I’m my own person and I’m leaving tonight anyway!” She never connected that it was me that put her there, where she actually was and how she was going to get home without any money etc,

    Already, I can see a huge difference in her physically. She’s a better colour, lost the dark circles around her eyes and despite the Alzheimer’s, just seemed “more together” Probably because she is eating and drinking regularly.

    Typically, I’m now worrying that there is no way she can discharge herself, is there? By chance, the doctor was doing his weekly assessment of residents and invited me to be present during Mother’s so I could answer any queries and add info. When I mentioned that I had a health LPA, he said it wouldn’t be necessary as she clearly didn’t have capacity and as next of kin, I would be consulted anyway. She actually sounded very lucid and coherent and told the GP that she was quite capable, cooked a hot meal for herself every day and did her own shopping. I’m now paranoid that she will convince someone that she is there under mistaken circumstances,
     
  9. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    797
    Female
    cornwall
    I have been asked by dads GP to start looking for a residential home for him.Against his wishes .But since the doctor said that dad has declined further and last week overnight had an accident in his pad.He had to wait till morning for carers as no overnight care.(Only a 1 bedroom bungalow) So it would be difficult .I know some carers overnight do a waking night but that would work out expensive.Im not willing to do it(Did it once and got a crick in the neck from the recliner in the lounge)..
    I am back at his on Monday.I already have the knot in my stomach when you start worrying.I have not even started yet,so I can imagine how you feel!!
     
  10. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    628
    @Champers I had the same worry that mum would convince someone that she should go home, but the home told me not to worry and mum was soon judged not to have capacity. She now seems to not go on about leaving quite so much, but it was scary at the time as she was talking about finding a solicitor etc.
     
  11. Feistywoman

    Feistywoman Registered User

    Aug 11, 2018
    105
    Well done @Champers for Operation Platinum! My Mum is now over 2 months in the care home and still not fully settled. I frequently get it in the neck for being bossy, making her decisions and telling her what to do....I always ‘blame’ the doctor for her being there and always say that she’s there for a while. My skin is getting thicker and my diversionary tactics more adept. I hope that your Mum settles soon and life gets a bit easier for you.
     
  12. Champers

    Champers Registered User

    Jan 3, 2019
    189
    What a good idea, Fiestywoman - blame the doctor! :D Mother is from the generation where doctors were gods, so that might appease her somewhat.
    Your mum sounds exactly the same too. I’ve been accused by her of being bossy and she’s also threatened to call the police about me and the way I treat her. Sorry constable. Yes, I’m guilty, I made a decision in my mother’s best interests. I know, I should have left her in dire circumstances and let an accident happen.

    From what the staff tell me, it sounds as though when I’m not there she is settled and there’s very few issues, so that’s a positive. Sorry to be so twitchy, but having come this far, if someone decided that mother had to return home, I’m not sure I could take it.
     
  13. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    628
    I'm sure no one will suggest your mum goes home @Champers. Have the home talked about asking for a Deprivation of Liberty Safeguarding (DoLS) order? Mum's home did that for mum and the social worker that phoned me up afterwards said mum was in the right place and no longer had capacity, though at the time if you'd spoken to her for a short while you would have thought she had.
    My plan, if someone had allowed her to go home, was going to be to refuse to do anything for her, including not talking on the phone.
     
  14. Champers

    Champers Registered User

    Jan 3, 2019
    189

    Thank you, Sarasa. You’ve really reassured me. I visited today and spoke to the manager about my concerns and she said it was very obvious from Mother’s conversations with her that there is no way she capacity to make decisions about her own care and possible discharge. It’s been noted that she talks around and around in a sort of loop - I guess I’ve just got used to it - which is a common symptom of dementia. I think I just needed confirmation that I had made the right call.

    As with the last visit, Mother launched herself at me and assumed I was there to take her home. Funnily enough, she’s never queried how she actually arrived and the fact that it was me that brought her there. She told me it’s been a very nice stay but now she wants to leave. She kept on and on the whole time I was there on this repetitive speech but when she was collected to have her hair done, she walked away with the staff member and didn’t even give me a backward glance! I’m absolutely amazed however, what a difference a week makes. When I brought her in last Monday, she looked frail and her face was so sunken with dark eye sockets; she had an almost skull like appearance. Today, she has a pinker colouring and her face has fleshed out slightly too. Clearly proving that she wasn’t taking care of herself either.
     
  15. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    479
    Bedford
    Thank you @Champers for sharing on this thread. It will hopefully help me (and I am sure others) seeing what you have been going through with regards your Mother going into the Care Home and the advise you have been given. I am glad to hear that you have seen some positive changes physically in your Mother. I hope she settles shortly
     
  16. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    628
    @Champers glad your mum is looking better. It'll probably take her a while to settle. Mum often talks about wanting to leave, but I take it in the same spirit as her wanting to go and see how her parents are.
    If you can slip away while she's distracted it'll make it much easier for both of you.
     
  17. Splashing About

    Splashing About Registered User

    Oct 20, 2019
    186
    I’m processing my mum’s situation at the moment and this thread resonated. The hospital have implied that my mum’s refusal to eat food and cooperate with personal care is wilful rather than dementia. I’m not sure how they decide that?

    They keep telling us she would be better off at home and hospital is causing this. My experience of home is that she could be exactly the same but she had my father running at her beck and call sucking up constant verbal abuse and meeting her every demand.

    So 1) this behaviour is not unique to hospital but is however becoming entrenched because she’s not getting the cajoling she gets at home and 2) will it disappear if we take her home? Really?

    It’s very hard to balance your emotions with difficult behaviour
     
  18. Champers

    Champers Registered User

    Jan 3, 2019
    189
    it’s a difficult one to understand. Has your mother always had this personality trait or has it come on since she’s been hospitalised? Without knowing her, it does seem that the staff have made a bit of an assumption. It’s tempting to read between the lines that they just want your mother moved on from their care. Has her treatment been completed? Sorry to ask these questions, I’m just trying to build a picture.

    In my experience, my mother has certainly become more childlike and I’ve had to treat her the same way I would treat a six year old; very clear instructions, not giving her option to argue, no choices - this is how things are. Easier said than done however, hence my original post! My mother would appear to almost starve herself to get her own way but this was nothing new and was part of her psyche well before dementia took a hold. I can recall many times over the years when I had cooked a family meal and she would either announce she wasn’t hungry or she “never ate x,y, or z” despite me knowing that she clearly did, otherwise I wouldn’t have served it! Sadly, she has always been extremely manipulative, took apparent pleasure in causing confrontation, would say something very contentious and then when she got a reaction, would cry and enjoy being the ‘victim’ and therefore the centre of attention.
     
  19. Splashing About

    Splashing About Registered User

    Oct 20, 2019
    186
    Mum has always had a forceful personality and could lack empathy and compassion when she was in a cross mood/temper. I would also say she could be self obsessed. Sadly these traits have become really pronounced in the last 5 yrs making it really hard to be objective. I think the dementia is the cause of the unmanageable behaviour but yes it is a personality trait that existed but was never socially unacceptable. Does this make sense?

    I think they feel quite accurately that she no longer requires medical input. Her care needs specialists dementia management. I agree.
     

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