Not very proud of myself.

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Champers, Oct 9, 2019.

  1. Champers

    Champers Registered User

    Jan 3, 2019
    174
    So pleased to report we got Mother into the care home, virtually without incident.I had a little wobble about whether I was doing the right thing but when we arrived and I saw the state of things, all my doubts left me. She had absolutely no recollection of me telling her we would be coming today. She had not eaten this morning. She only had one shoe on and had no idea where the other one was - I couldn’t find it either - and bizarrely, she’s been sleeping without any sheets or duvet cover and couldn’t explain why.

    Operation Platinum (husband’s name! ) was launched with me legging it upstairs with cases and a list I had compiled before we arrived. I knew I might get sidetracked so I gave myself very specific instructions on what to pack. Husband made her a cup of tea and a sandwich. Adult son got her reminiscing about her formative years in Ireland.

    Once I’d got the cases in the boot, we told her we were off to visit MIL and we teetered on the edge of a crisis as she suddenly announced she didn’t want to go, she was in too much pain and we could all leave right now. There was no way I was leaving without her so I laboured the fact that MIL would be so upset if she did t get a visit. I did the parent/child thing of ignoring the petulant behaviour and was just very brisk and breezy about how we needed to get on. There was a moment in the car, just after we set off when she suddenly said, “I hope this isn’t a plan to put me in hospital?” Gulp!

    She sulked for about an hour into the journey and announced that she wouldn’t be getting out of the car at the other end but when we arrived, the care home manager and senior staff member were fantastic. They rushed out, welcomed her like a long lost friend, said they were dying to meet her. They didn’t give her time to object or query anything. She had a mug of tea and a large slice of cake shoved into her hand, which she wolfed down and took her straight to her room which had been prepared with beautiful toiletries and fresh flowers. Mother has always loved being the centre of attention and within ten minutes, she was Queen Bee.

    I’ve had a splitting headache all day which is now easing rapidly. It must have been tension and the relief of knowing tonight she is in a safe environment and I’m not half awaiting the call from a neighbour about yet another issue.

    I'm intrigued how she will be when I visit her. Biddable or angry as a tomcat that’s she was deceived?

    Only negative note was, when I was loading the car, I saw another of her neighbours so I explained what was going on. She said, “Yes. I had heard and I don’t particularly like the way you doing it!”
     
  2. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,277
    Female
    Chester
    I employed this tactic with my mum to good effect on many occasion - didn't always worked but did when really needed (It helped that my son was 8 at the time so I was well practised).

    Clearly someone who has no understanding of dementia. I had lovely supportive neighbours who repeatedly told me I had done the best thing, and my mum's neighbours were all glad to see her safe.
     
  3. Dimpsy

    Dimpsy Registered User

    Sep 2, 2019
    413
    Female
    High 5 for success of Operation Platinum.
    She's safe and being well cared for and if mum likes attention, that will make her happy.
    All you can do is take one step at a time, but the worst is surely over.
    Never mind the sourpuss neighbour, you and only you have your mum's best interest at heart.
     
  4. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    585
    Well done. It sounds like the home had all the right ideas to make her feel at home.
     
  5. Rosserk

    Rosserk Registered User

    Jul 9, 2019
    318

    I am so pleased everything went so well for you, you’ve done the hard part well done! I am going through a similar situation so your story is so encouraging and gives me hope I can do the same X
     
  6. silver'lantern

    silver'lantern Registered User

    Apr 23, 2019
    128
    Female
    wow well done ...good plans and support from your family won through. ... I hope the visit goes well. I wouldn't worry about neighbours view on things, needs must. There is no pleasing some people, if you had done nothing that wouldn't have been right either. You did what needing doing the best way you thought it should be done. You know her best and how best to deal with her. I hope she settles in and life becomes a bit less stressful for you all.
     
  7. Rosettastone57

    Rosettastone57 Registered User

    Oct 27, 2016
    1,049
    Well done and ignore the neighbour, we all know he/she hasn't a clue about what dementia involves.
     
  8. leslyz

    leslyz Registered User

    Oct 24, 2015
    79
    absolutely well done to you Champers, I am so inspired by your whole thread, right from the start hearing about how vile she was to you and like you say how clever in front of other people. How DO they do that when they have dementia ???
    Thank goodness you managed to pull it all off. I felt a shudder of anger at the thoughtless hurtful comment from the neighbour - where mum was living, I always felt a rebuke that I was never doing enough and later heard negative comments had been said about me in regard to mum - all total untruths of course but it still hurts. Thank god for this forum. I am in the middle of this journey and you have helped me tonight in sharing yours. xx
     
  9. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,717
    perhaps that neighbour is willing to look after your Mum 24/7?
    No .... I thought not!
    They moan when they think you aren’t doing anything & moan when you are!

    take no notice, I hope that at some point they apologise to you for that unkind comment, you should be supported for what was a difficult day not criticism!

    so sending ((((((((hugs))))))))))
     
  10. sausagedog

    sausagedog Registered User

    Aug 22, 2019
    38
    I think you deserve a medal Champers! Not only for what you’ve achieved today but over the previous months having to sort things for your MIL and how that was made so very, very difficult........and as for that neighbour....ignore..obviously someone who hasn’t had to look after someone with dementia or with any ‘knowledge’....so, get some well earned rest - your mum is safe now & you’ve done your absolute best - she’s very lucky indeed to have a daughter like you
     
  11. Champers

    Champers Registered User

    Jan 3, 2019
    174
    I’m actually welling up reading all your replies - thank you all so much.

    It’s been quite an exhausting 6 months. All the trauma we had with social services and the fight to get MIL in the CH and then my mother also rapidly deteriorating, but all your support has been truly amazing. I seriously think you have all contributed to me keeping my own sanity in the midst of the dramas. I’ve regularly dropped in here and read the replies and then being able to say to my husband, “It’s alright. Other people have had the same experiences/emotions. We’re doing the right thing and making the right choices. It’s not just us that feel that way.”

    Thank goodness for TP and all you wonderful people! Together we are strong.
     
  12. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    917
    Male
    North West
    I think you deserve a medal @Champers, takes alot of courage to do the thing I think most of us dread, and you did it so well. I don't think I would be so well composed if it came to doing the same for mum.
     
  13. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    407
    Bedford
    I have also read your posts and thought what an amazing person you are. To have to fight so hard to get what you knew was right. I hope your Mother too settles in well.
     
  14. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,717
    I hope today that as you read the lovely responses, it helps quell any little doubts that are bound to creep in. My Mum was adamant that she wouldn’t have carers in, adamant that she wouldn’t go into a home, adamant she wouldn’t have a diagnosis! Yet she’s got the diagnosis, carers & astounded me last week by telling her lovely community matron that going into a care home wasn’t a definite no no after having respite care- she just wasn’t at that point yet...., & I totally agree. Mums form of dementia has responded well to memantine & has calmed her down a lot.

    so baby steps each day......

    keep posting, the journey doesn’t end here it should just get a little easier. Do give it a while before you visit if MIL is a reluctant resident to start with.
     
  15. Grahamstown

    Grahamstown Registered User

    Jan 12, 2018
    1,441
    East of England
    I have recently had a painful remark made to me by a close family member and it hurts so much until you get the support of TP many of whom have experienced this and then you can carry on doing the right thing for your family without the anxiety which careless remarks bring.
     
  16. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,717
    Mums neighbours & family friends can confound me at times with there seemingly callous comments. then I step away & realise that they don’t have a clue what life is like with a PWD!!

    oh ignorance is bliss sometimes, & at others it’s just plain annoying
     
  17. Grahamstown

    Grahamstown Registered User

    Jan 12, 2018
    1,441
    East of England
    So, so right and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy to have to understand this disease by experience. Every day there are both painful and uplifting emotions. It’s a rollercoaster,
     
  18. sausagedog

    sausagedog Registered User

    Aug 22, 2019
    38
    My own brother who offered NO help (as our mum was becoming frail and unable to cope at home - even with carers going in, me up and down the motorway 3 times a week, doing everything I possibly could & wanted to I might add), him who never visited mum and HIM who questioned mums neighbour when he saw mum's house up for sale ....how on earth did he expect me to cope with care bills??? One wonders what planet? And no, I have no contact with him at all anymore ...he didn’t even see his mum buried - says it all
     
  19. Grahamstown

    Grahamstown Registered User

    Jan 12, 2018
    1,441
    East of England
    That’s exactly what I am fearing for my husband, that his sister won’t come and see him again and what about the funeral? I tell myself - let it go. It will be what it will be and just look back to happier times when we were younger, fitter and not worn down by life’s vicissitudes.
     
  20. Helly68

    Helly68 Registered User

    Mar 12, 2018
    465
    I would say, from experience, don't tell the truth, but keep any lies simple. You will be stressed yourself so don't need any extra worries trying to remember everything.
    Pack while she isn't there and try and have the items put into the room that will be hers without her involvement, if possible. The staff took Mummy off for a cup of tea while Daddy and I unpacked. I agree with "just popping out" - preferably as they are about to have lunch so that she has something to do.
    Then, I left it a few days to allow Mummy to settle in - I actually think she found it easier than me - I couldn't stop crying initially but when I visited she was quite happy and I always made the effort to seem happy in front of her.
     

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