Not sure what to expect now...

[ARod]

Hello...Well quick back story. I just lost my mom 4 months ago to cancer. I took care of her on hospice at my house until she passed. She always took care of my dad who we knew had a mild case of dementia. While she was at my house he was living alone. Long story short I knew something was wrong and had him moved into an assisted living facility (since he had never cooked or cleaned a day in his life). After my moms passing I found out how bad my dad really was. Since her passing I receive several calls a day asking for my mother some sweet other times angry where he accuses her of stealing his car and "dumping him" at this "hotel". He never can remember where he is so I put a "helpful reminder sheet" by his phone to slow down the 15 phone calls a day. To no avail now he sees it and says HEY I should call her. Then he makes me feel horrible saying I never come see him or call him even though I see him several times a week!!! He just can't remember...and I work and have a husband two kids (3 and 12) to take care of! He has called me in the middle of the night swearing at me and my husband calling us all sorts of names and doesn't remember in the morning. I can't be mad at him. I wish it followed a pattern because with my mom's cancer it followed a sequence I knew what was coming...what do I expect from dementia?? What happens next? He is only 74 years old!!! Caring for my mom wore me down to almost my breaking point and to find out I basically lost both my parents at the same time is almost too much to take. I just wish I knew what was coming next. The doc said Vascular and progressive dementia...pretty broad if you ask me. I am at my wits end.
~Amanda

 

[uselessdaughter]

Hi Amanda

I am so sorry that you have lost your Mum and now have this situation to deal with, especially with the children who also need their Mum.

I'm afraid I don't have any advice to give you because I feel I made such a mess of handling things regarding my Dad, but I'm sure there will be someone along soon who can make some suggestions.

I just wanted to let you know I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position after all you did for your Mum. I totally understand where you are coming from when you say that with your Mum you knew pretty much what was coming next. That's what is so hard about dementia. The not knowing. The fact that they do not know a lot of the time that there is anything wrong with them. The fact that you can't sit down and discuss and plan because even when you do it is forgotten minutes later. The fact that you seem to have to fight for every bit of help and advice. The fact that even when you visit and phone often that it is forgotten. It is so hard and I really feel for you.

Sorry no help but I wanted you to know that everyone here will understand

I hope you soon find some help so that you can enjoy your children and your husband.

Bid hugs.

Linda

 

[Saffie]

Hello and welcome to TP. I'm so sorry that you are having to find us I am sure that you will find plenty of people here who are in the same position and with whom you can share your concerns. Firstly, have you looked at the factsheeets on the Alzheimer's Society site. They have lots of factsheets about many things connected to dementia of all kinds and iIm sure you will find them a good starting point. Comeback her and ask us anything you don't understand.Here a link -
http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents.php?categoryID=200343s

 

[minniemouse01]

Hello Amanda - so sorry you are having such a hard time. Losing your mum is one of the hardest things to go through, I know. Your aren't really getting a chance to grieve properly and that too is hard to deal with too.

I don't have any words of wisdom for you, other than also having a Dad with Dementia, I just wanted you to know I understand, and that I hope that you get the time to enjoy your young family like you should.

Sending hugs

M xx

 

[grahamR]

Hi Amanda
I feel for you and can sympathise. I lost my father two and a half years ago to cancer, then last October my mother died. Whilst she was not diagnosed with dementia all the signs were there and the doctor suspected it was vascular, however because she was bedridden and in residential care and had heart problems it was decided not to do any tests.
The problem was that last year I was diagnosed with vascular dementia and that while it is still the earlier stages, I forgot whether I had visited mum or not and when I did she forgot who had been to see her. Things got better when I left a 'visiting diary' which was left in her room and myself and my siblings used it to record visits and many other things. Mum found it useful to consult it during her better periods.

My best advice to you is to enjoy your dad, especially during his better periods and to forgive him when he is unpleasant. I know it is difficult at times, but just try to remember it isn't your dad doing it, it is the illness.

I just hope my family make allowances for me when things deteriorate, I know my current forgetfulness is frustrating to them as well as for me.

Chin up and use the forum, I have sat on the sidelines for months and just read other posts and advice, it really does help.

Feel free to PM me anytime.

Good luck

Graham

 

[dognecks]

paul carer

Hello...Well quick back story. I just lost my mom 4 months ago to cancer. I took care of her on hospice at my house until she passed. She always took care of my dad who we knew had a mild case of dementia. While she was at my house he was living alone. Long story short I knew something was wrong and had him moved into an assisted living facility (since he had never cooked or cleaned a day in his life). After my moms passing I found out how bad my dad really was. Since her passing I receive several calls a day asking for my mother some sweet other times angry where he accuses her of stealing his car and "dumping him" at this "hotel". He never can remember where he is so I put a "helpful reminder sheet" by his phone to slow down the 15 phone calls a day. To no avail now he sees it and says HEY I should call her. Then he makes me feel horrible saying I never come see him or call him even though I see him several times a week!!! He just can't remember...and I work and have a husband two kids (3 and 12) to take care of! He has called me in the middle of the night swearing at me and my husband calling us all sorts of names and doesn't remember in the morning. I can't be mad at him. I wish it followed a pattern because with my mom's cancer it followed a sequence I knew what was coming...what do I expect from dementia?? What happens next? He is only 74 years old!!! Caring for my mom wore me down to almost my breaking point and to find out I basically lost both my parents at the same time is almost too much to take. I just wish I knew what was coming next. The doc said Vascular and progressive dementia...pretty broad if you ask me. I am at my wits end.
~Amanda

am so glad ur dad is being cared for and your not doing it!! my wife also had this to deal with and had a break down moved away because couldnt stand the strain any more . . dad died with cancer and mum went with dementia. change your phone num if u have too . just dont let it get to u like it did to my wife . i did what i could do for my motherinlaw but while doing this it was my wife that needed the help. you have done your bit ! my familys destroyed dont let it happen to yours! lifes to short

 

[Mars]

Remember U are not alone!

The best thing that you could have done was to move your dad into assisted living where the professionals know how to deal with dementia. It is unfortunate, but those close to dementia patients get the brunt of their frustration and lash out at them. My mother-in-law is in late stage dementia and she is so cruel to my father-in-law that he breaks down.
You have to remember that it is not your dad talking, it is the disease talking. In many cases it progresses slowly, but sometimes it is over a course of a couple of weeks. My mother in law has vascular dementia due to a stroke she had in July and I couldn't believe how fast she is failing. She now swears (never did that b4), is very argumentative and demands attention. Unfortunately, she can't remember what she said or did a few minutes prior!
While I am not a caregiver, I have gone to caregiver meetings as much as I can. You find helpful info from others going thru the same thing.
Good Luck

 

[winda]

Hi Amanda, so sorry to hear about your mum.
I lost both of my parents to cancer and I was a carer for them both. During that time my husband's dementia had begun and life became very difficult.
I know exactly what you mean about cancer being easier to cope with than dementia.

I was just wondering what sort of help your dad has in his assisted living accommodation as I know it can vary. If you think he needs more help it may be worth going to see his GP to see how he/she can help. Also you could ask for an assessment from SS, you can phone them yourself.
He might benefit from daycare or having a sitter to keep him company when you can't be there.

You need to take care of yourself, you must already be exhausted.

Let us know how you get on xx