Not sure what to do...

[DianeG]

Hi,
I've not posted for a while. My mum is now 58 and living in a care home with AD in the late stages. I took some time off work earlier this year as I was struggling to cope with everything....mum's decline, the decision to move her to a care home, settling her, recognising mum's deterioration, still being a mum, wife, daughter to mum crumbling dad. I am back at work now but struggling with everything to be honest. I am on betablockers to stop my panics. I just seem to have problems articulating things, taking things in, remembering conversations and then I get all panicky and anxious. I feel like I have aged 10 years over the past few months and have gone from a very capable independent professional...someone that everyone relies on to someone that doesnt know which way is up.

I honestly don't know if i am capable of my job anymore or the 80 mile round trip commute.

I cant really speak to anyone close to me about it because they all just tell me not to be silly and thats not particularly helpful. I feel like a complete waste of space and have even considered the genetic testing that was in the press. I honestly feel like the signs mum had in the beginning (about 10 years ago) are showing in me.

Please know I am not being over dramatic and I absilutely understand AD and the symptoms - I have lived and breathed them with mum for a long long time now.

Any comments would be appreciated. I'm not sure what to do.

 

[PostTenebrasLux]

Dear Diane,

what a crisis you find yourself in! You are perfectly realistic and reasonable. Take the bull by the horns and count your options: are you financially able to ask your employer for "time out" for compassionate family reasons? Say three months to give you time to devote yourself entirely to tackling the situation and finding solutions, delegate or re-organise existence? And once that done, could you work part-time? Would your doctor be prepared to give you a certificate for sick-leave - for your parents' needs? At some point major decisions will be required, but in order for you to handle those you'll need to just catch your breath a wee while. Could you approach Social Services and ask them to grant you dispensation from your regular employment in order to cover both mother and father's needs?

What would happen if you were laid up? Work would have to do without you, the family would have to manage but would probably fall into a greater crisis. It is imperative that you obtain help for yourself first in order to keep the world ticking.

You sound perfectly coherent and practical. Your employer will only think of their perspective - if we lose her for 3 months, how are we going to cope? That is where you'll have to shine: think out solutions and present it as a discussion and I'm sure they'll be prepared to compromise at least.

Best wishes forward - I do hope you get some resting/thinking/recovery time.

Martina

 

[DianeG]

Hi,
Thank you so much for your reply. I took 4 months off earlier in the year and am a little worried about saying...'I can't cope' again. I am trying to breathe deeply and go at a slower pace but sometimes it feels like my life doesnt allow for that. I am also currently the main earner in the house so it makes it all the more of a challenge to reduce hours. Your advice is sound though and completeky sensible. It's what I would say to other people. I guess I am just worried about sticking my and up again and saying I am not coping....Mrs Indestructable has blown??! A disappointment, a worry or concern for others and just a pain in the you know what..
I'm going to sleep on it and get through another day at work tomorrow and will maybe have a chat with my GP on Thursday.
Thank you once again. x

 

[lin1]

Hello Diane

Martina has given good advice.
It would be a good idea to have some time off , I would definately speak to gp, s/he may put you on stress leave. And will also give you a chancr to discuss your fears

Which are are more than likely stress related.
Its vital to look after yourself, you cannot be everything to everyone without it making you ill , so its best to have a bit of time off now than a long time off later on , better financially too

 

[Daffadil]

coping

My father has been in a home for over a year now and I recently had a meeting with NHS nurse. She was actually lovely, but I had to recap thing and ended up crying. My mother still live at home, now by herself and most of the time is in denial over my father. My brother says he lives to far away and well dads in a home so doesn't matter. I broke down at work last week just because I couldn't cope with the worry. I think there must be others out there in this situation.

Whilst my boss was great, I don't want to take time of work. In fact it keeps me going.

 

[nicoise]

Hello DianeG & Daffadil,

Some years ago I found myself in a situation - not of my making - that was incredibly difficult to live with, but having small children who needed me to care for them, and a job that I couldn't walk away from, meant that there was no choice but to carry on but I dreaded every day and felt I couldn't cope.

I told my GP, who prescribed antidepressants and suggested counselling. I was at rockbottom, and happy to take the advice and medication, and found that with the two things I was slowly more able to face the day and get through what had to be done, although I still couldn't personally change the difficult situation.

It took 18 months to get past those problems, but I managed. I stopped the anti-depressants and counselling, but still know they are there if I find myself feeling that way again.

The biggest and most important step is saying that you don't feel able to cope to someone. Your solution may be different to mine, and there are many that are available. Although you cannot change the difficult situation, you can change the way you get through your days and feel about things - with help.

I now also watch out for the warning signs - taking on too much, getting overtired, eating badly etc (and not reaching for the wine bottle & cigs too quickly!).

I don't think you are being over-dramatic - you are just suffering from the fall-out of caring and the sad situation you find yourself in. Unfortunately we often look to those around us to understand and give support, and they just can't because they don't see things through our eyes. That understanding can be found through counselling or your GP perhaps?

Please do look after yourself, and let us know how you get on.

Best wishes x

 

[DianeG]

Thanks for all your comments and advice.

I went to the doctors and she reckons I am depressed. She has taken blood to do loads of tests, suggested anti-depressants (which I am thinking about) and also referred me to the Memory Clinic for a full review.

Please she is taking my concerns seriously and not tellin gme just to calm down and not worry.

Went to see mum today and she was just laying there in bed. Her eyes didn't change when I walked into her room or when I spoke to her. I stayed with her for a while...and during the long silence I had time to think...never good when I get time to think!

We'll see what next week brings.

 

[sunny]

You have been to see your GP which is important if you are worried about your health, but the long commute journey, busy job, busy life and worry about your mother will take its toll.
None of us are superhuman and cannot carry on at full pelt for that long. Unfortunatley, life at work is not going to get any easier and I wonder if you need to look at the whole aspect of your life and take the opportunity to see if you can change anything that will make it easier.
Obviously your GP's advice is important and there may be something that shows up in the tests done, but I would think carefully before starting on the road of anti-depressants when in fact a change to lifestyle could be the real answer and also getting the rest of the family to help you with any tasks that need doing and I hope you are not expected to do it all.

I know a lot of mothers who think they should do it all and dont delegate and so the rest of the family wear them into the ground without realising it. Ask for any help that you need and I dont think you are being silly at all, you are at your limits of capacity and like of all of us you must come to realise that.

You are also mourning for your mother - although she is still physically here - she is lost to you now and you need time to come to terms with this sadness and that is something I really understand so give yourself time and space and a darn good rest.