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Not sure what to do

Sueie

New member
Apr 4, 2020
1
My mother is 85. Overweight type 2 diabetes not well controlled heart failure. Previous heart attack and stent plus bad asthma, deaf and partially sighted.
My sister is live in carer does nt work and gets a very small carers allowance. The problem is my mothers appears to be getting dementia. Her memory is very poor. My sister and mother constantly arguing. My mother keeps breaking things and denies doing it. She does not prepare her own food. My sister is at the end of her tether and needs help. I work full time. I think it's time my mum tried a rest home or something. How does one go a out this. I need to do something before my sister breaks down.
 

spandit

Registered User
Feb 11, 2020
82
Have a look for local carers - cheaper than a care/rest home and easier to introduce. They'd be able to occupy your mother whilst your sister goes out (not easy in the lockdown, I admit).
 

Tburg69

New member
Mar 29, 2020
6
Yes all the care homes are in lock down at the moment , we found one but my mom would have had to self isolate in a room for 7 days on her own and she would have never managed that. We are using a carer first thing then a couple of companions spread out during the day this may give your sister some space
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
5,457
N Ireland
Hello @Sueie, you are welcome here and I hope you find the forum to be a friendly and supportive place.

I hope you have time to take a good look around the site as it is a goldmine for information. When I first joined I read old threads for information but then found the AS Publications list and the page where a post code search can be done to check for support services in ones own area that may become available again when we get through the lockdown. If you are interested in these, clicking the following links will take you there

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-factsheets-full-list

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/find-support-near-you

You will see that there are Factsheets that will help with things like getting care needs assessments, deciding the level of care required and sorting out useful things like Wills, Power of Attorney etc., if any of that hasn't already been done. There is also a Dementia Guide in the list.

Now that you have found us I hope you will keep posting as the membership has vast collective knowledge and experience.
 

Natureboy

New member
Apr 4, 2020
1
Hi Sueie - this all sounds familiar and we went through very similar personality change with mum. There’s no one size fits all solution but here’s some of the things I picked up that might help where you are...

Get the meds right - it took a while but when we got the right meds and made sure they were being taken ALL THE TIME it really worked and mums mood improved significantly.

Don’t assume it’s all the dementia - other infections and disruption can be the root cause. If there is a fairly quick change in behaviour best to get a doc check.

Get help - we’ve had paid carers in for about two years now and it made so much difference similar to the other post above. I thought that’s it - we need to find a home but they’re very happy (most of the time) at home now.

Good luck and ask again if you need anything - I’m sure the forumees will help. 👍👍
 

Cat27

Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
11,319
Merseyside
Hi Sueie - this all sounds familiar and we went through very similar personality change with mum. There’s no one size fits all solution but here’s some of the things I picked up that might help where you are...

Get the meds right - it took a while but when we got the right meds and made sure they were being taken ALL THE TIME it really worked and mums mood improved significantly.

Don’t assume it’s all the dementia - other infections and disruption can be the root cause. If there is a fairly quick change in behaviour best to get a doc check.

Get help - we’ve had paid carers in for about two years now and it made so much difference similar to the other post above. I thought that’s it - we need to find a home but they’re very happy (most of the time) at home now.

Good luck and ask again if you need anything - I’m sure the forumees will help. 👍👍
Welcome to DTP @Natureboy
 

Weasell

Registered User
Oct 21, 2019
229
many many issues in this post.
Does your mum own her own property?
It is possible the property will need to be sold to fund the care home.
What age is your sister and how long has she lived there could affect things.
If the house is sold your sister could be homeless and may have feelings about this?
If mum is not self funding you will have to start by involving social services, if you wish mum to go to a care home
What are you sisters feelings on mums care??
What is mums feelings on her future?
I presume you claim attendance allowance.
Money may not buy happiness but don’t knock it !
Have you the funds to pay a cleaner, Carer etc , as others suggest that is one way forward?
Has mum been referred to the memory clinic?
,
 

Dede62

New member
Apr 4, 2020
1
My mother is 85. Overweight type 2 diabetes not well controlled heart failure. Previous heart attack and stent plus bad asthma, deaf and partially sighted.
My sister is live in carer does nt work and gets a very small carers allowance. The problem is my mothers appears to be getting dementia. Her memory is very poor. My sister and mother constantly arguing. My mother keeps breaking things and denies doing it. She does not prepare her own food. My sister is at the end of her tether and needs help. I work full time. I think it's time my mum tried a rest home or something. How does one go a out this. I need to do something before my sister breaks down.
The way I got a nursing home for Mom( which is only temporary). Because she is there for therapy only. they do not have a long term bed for her. But you can get a case worker from your Moms Doctors office. In my case I got her a case worker as soon as she went into hospital for the second time for falling. I will still have to find her another place for long term and this will be with the help of the case worker at the Facility she is now.
God Bless you girls. I wanted to care for my mother but it got to much for me. And I have an apartment with no rails etc... I just feel so bad for her I cant even see her with this Virus. And she is in a lot of pain.
Best wishes for you all. Its the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
 

Cat27

Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
11,319
Merseyside
The way I got a nursing home for Mom( which is only temporary). Because she is there for therapy only. they do not have a long term bed for her. But you can get a case worker from your Moms Doctors office. In my case I got her a case worker as soon as she went into hospital for the second time for falling. I will still have to find her another place for long term and this will be with the help of the case worker at the Facility she is now.
God Bless you girls. I wanted to care for my mother but it got to much for me. And I have an apartment with no rails etc... I just feel so bad for her I cant even see her with this Virus. And she is in a lot of pain.
Best wishes for you all. Its the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
Welcome to DTP @Dede62
Good luck with finding a long term place. Please keep posting as you’ll get lots of support here.