Not sure what to do now?

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Flake, Jun 30, 2015.

  1. Flake

    Flake Registered User

    Mar 9, 2015
    Hello all TPers. Not been on here for a few weeks but now I need some advice, please.
    My mum(aged 82) has been deteriorating over the last few weeks. Her short term memory is almost non existent, she repeats endlessly and has become incontinent of urine (as far as I know its not the other). She has been packing again, and every day for the past two weeks I have unpacked only to go back the next day for it all to be packed again. She is packing odd things. She wants to go 'home'. She is not changing her clothes and at times the house smells of urine. Apart from the usual conversations about where she lives, she has now forgotten my Dad and that she was married, does not remember her children (Me), and is living in the long time past with relatives who are long dead who visit her.

    She said she gets lonely. I have suggested a day care activity centre which was not taken very well as she did not want to be with old people. I explained the activities but they were not good enough as she had all that at home and has people who pop in and see her (they dont). I have suggested a care package to help with changing her bed when (that man down the road) wets it. She does not want carers as she likes to do housework (not very often), doesnt need company, is not lonely, and can manage.

    Im not sure what to do next. I find myself getting cross with her and the constant packing, I dont want to hear the constant round of questions and repeating the constant round of answers for it to all start again. I dont like the fact that she picks on one of my sons who is always 'miserable' whlst the other is brilliant. I dont want her to have Dementia and there is nothing i can do about it.

    Ok rant over, but how can I persuade her to have some support other than me? :(
  2. chrisdee

    chrisdee Registered User

    Nov 23, 2014
    We all think its a case of persuading but sadly it isn't - she is 'fine and coping' so will not be open to suggestions. Local authority will have a list of care agencies, see who covers your area and get some help quickly on any pretext you can think of, popping in/cleaning/help with meals etc. I think you know that she could be ready for full time care though. Carers are a step in that direction.
  3. theunknown

    theunknown Registered User

    Apr 17, 2015
    Flake, like Chrisdee I don't think you can persuade a parent to accept outside care. If they're able to understand what you're saying and are capable of arguing against it then they're probably still at a stage where the idea of professional care is a place they just don't want to go.

    In my mum's case, she went from no care to a mental health ward, and then to a care home. I don't know which is worse, knowing your mum needs extra care, but her not accepting it, or suddenly being thrust into a care home situation.

    If my mum had accepted that she was having problems maybe she could have stayed in her own home longer. However, when we were told she wouldn't be able to return home she wasn't aware of where she'd been living, or that she was going to a care home, and this was, in a way, a blessing.

    I think as long as we still have the parent we know, we want to hold onto that for as long as possible. If you find yourself in the position of losing that parent and gaining a new one, the acceptance of the loss and the acceptance of the new mum (in my case at least) does make it easier to deal with the fact that this horrible thing is happening.
  4. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    SW London
    Would she accept 'the doctor says you must have some help'? (whether he/she has or not). Sometimes people will accept it from 'the doctor' when they won't from anyone else, especially their own children.

    Another ploy that sometimes works is to say that X really needs a little job, so she would be doing her a favour. And if someone is on the tight side and doesn't want to shell out, some on here have managed to kid them that it's free, the government will be paying.
  5. Flake

    Flake Registered User

    Mar 9, 2015
    Thank you. I will try the 'little job for someone' and see how that goes. She always was very independent and houseproud. The old mum would have a fit if she knew what the new mum is like. Has to smile today when she asked if I had been to the pub, which one I asked, the one across the road was the reply. She was talking when she was a a young girl and I was her older cousin, and when I said was not Doreen and said who I was, she said I had pinched her name! :confused:

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