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Not sure on next stage

Gany

New member
Oct 25, 2020
3
Hi all, just joined the forum as we are fast becoming exasperated with my parents refusal to accept help, and I found some with similar situation on here.
Mum (86) diagnosed around 18 months ago with both Vascular and Alzheimer’s but we feel she has had memory issues for some time . Fiercely independent . Now totally deluded that she does everything but doesn’t. She is still ironing but regularly ironing dirty clothing and burning ho,Es in clothes , she washes everything by hand but not properly , doing food prep but gets foods mixed up sometimes and gets too much out from freezer during the day so a lot of wastage going on . She cooks but continuously opens the gas oven to check it. ( carers are present during this ) .
Dad 90 was pretty good for his age but now slowing down and starting to have memory issues . Also fiercely independent. Fast temper , in denial and tries to cover for my mum , and deaf as a post and has continence issues which he ignores . I do suspect he now has age related dementia . Spends most of day in bed . He relies on my mum !
They have 3 visits a day from private carers . They accept them doing meds and basic breakfast but refuse any other help. My parents don’t bathe or shower ( despite us having a walk in shower fitted ).
Tonight things came to a head , my mum gets on ok with some carers , others she tells them to go away , tonight she pushed the carer to get her away from the oven. She will follow them, shout at them. My father then got angry as Mum didn’t give him the dinner he expected and threw the phone at her . All in front of the carer who did her best to deal with it. We have left a phone there for the carers to text us with any issues .

I have a meeting planned with the care manager next week . She has suggested live in care or turning oven Off and carers using microwave which is in outside office as Mum won’t have it in the house .
They live in a large house on outskirts of a village and are not overlooked on three sides and were burgled overnight recently . Thankfully just property taken and they slept through it. Have taken some security measures but basically anyone could walk in daytime as they leave the doors unlocked.

How on earth do you get them to accept live in care ? If we suggest it we are met with refusal and anger . The situation is affecting us , we live 40 mins away but we both work and I find it very frustrating and are worried about their safety and their personal hygiene .
GPS are great but say we can’t force anything even though we have POA. I got the impression you have to wait for a catastrophe to happen before you can make things happen.
Would live in care work with these two ?
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
5,655
N Ireland
Hello @Gany and welcome.

There is a lot going on there and I wish you strength to deal with what must be a most difficult situation.

The experts on the support line can be good and I wonder if it may be a good idea to phone them tomorrow. The details are

Dementia Connect Support Line
0333 150 3456
Our dementia advisors are here for you
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,965
South coast
Hello @Gany and welcome to DTP
I remember this stage with my mum. She would not accept carers either. TBH, if they wont accept carers going in, then they are very unlikely to accept a "stranger" living with them.

I would actually suggest that you contact their GP about the aggressive behaviour (phone throwing etc). If this behaviour continues, the care agency may give you notice that they will withdraw care as they have a duty to safeguard their carers. You could also contact Social Security safeguarding. I think that the only way that this could be resolved is if they both moved to a care home, but I suspect that you are right that it will have to go to a crisis - it had to for mum.
 

Rosettastone57

Registered User
Oct 27, 2016
1,402
Hi all, just joined the forum as we are fast becoming exasperated with my parents refusal to accept help, and I found some with similar situation on here.
Mum (86) diagnosed around 18 months ago with both Vascular and Alzheimer’s but we feel she has had memory issues for some time . Fiercely independent . Now totally deluded that she does everything but doesn’t. She is still ironing but regularly ironing dirty clothing and burning ho,Es in clothes , she washes everything by hand but not properly , doing food prep but gets foods mixed up sometimes and gets too much out from freezer during the day so a lot of wastage going on . She cooks but continuously opens the gas oven to check it. ( carers are present during this ) .
Dad 90 was pretty good for his age but now slowing down and starting to have memory issues . Also fiercely independent. Fast temper , in denial and tries to cover for my mum , and deaf as a post and has continence issues which he ignores . I do suspect he now has age related dementia . Spends most of day in bed . He relies on my mum !
They have 3 visits a day from private carers . They accept them doing meds and basic breakfast but refuse any other help. My parents don’t bathe or shower ( despite us having a walk in shower fitted ).
Tonight things came to a head , my mum gets on ok with some carers , others she tells them to go away , tonight she pushed the carer to get her away from the oven. She will follow them, shout at them. My father then got angry as Mum didn’t give him the dinner he expected and threw the phone at her . All in front of the carer who did her best to deal with it. We have left a phone there for the carers to text us with any issues .

I have a meeting planned with the care manager next week . She has suggested live in care or turning oven Off and carers using microwave which is in outside office as Mum won’t have it in the house .
They live in a large house on outskirts of a village and are not overlooked on three sides and were burgled overnight recently . Thankfully just property taken and they slept through it. Have taken some security measures but basically anyone could walk in daytime as they leave the doors unlocked.

How on earth do you get them to accept live in care ? If we suggest it we are met with refusal and anger . The situation is affecting us , we live 40 mins away but we both work and I find it very frustrating and are worried about their safety and their personal hygiene .
GPS are great but say we can’t force anything even though we have POA. I got the impression you have to wait for a catastrophe to happen before you can make things happen.
Would live in care work with these two ?
I don't think live in care will work. The only reason the agency are suggesting this is because they want the business. Ultimately live in care will fail . I think your parents should be in full time care, with a whole team supervising them. My mother in law was like your mother, but she was on her own in her own home. She had private carers but the visits were simply not enough to keep her safe . She refused point blank to go into care so we waited for a crisis . Eventually she became ill and went into hospital. We arranged a care home for her and she was discharged straight into the home. I do empathize, it's such a difficult situation
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
891
Oh @Gany . Stubborn and proud parents are so very difficult to help. They are from a time when asking for, or accepting, help was seen as weakness (I seem to use that phrase a lot on here!). Your parents are probably rather scared of the future which may be making them more aggressive.

Well done for getting them to accept carers at all. I'm sorry it's gone so pear shaped. I agree with @canary that you should contact your parents' GP, as there may be medication that can help with the aggression/anxiety (a low dose Mirtazapine can be effective if suitable)

I suppose any suggestion of care homes is met with complete horror? I am wondering if you could arrange for some respite residential care and sell it to your parents as a break while some fictitious work is being done on their house, with a view to making it permanent. The boiler breaking down is a good one to try at this time of year.

For reference, https://www.carehome.co.uk/ is a useful place to start looking. It might be worth your while talking to a few care home mangers about the situation. It's just possible that your parents may surprise you and not actually mind being in a care home environment (I can almost hear your hollow laughter from here but I am trying to be optimistic!)
 

Lynmax

Registered User
Nov 1, 2016
595
Could you install cameras outside and inside so you could get alerts and monitor what is going on? We had Ring cameras at mums house so I was able to talk to her if she was messing about with parked cars outside the house ( she thought it was her private space) and also prevented her from being scammed by cold callers. It gave us peace of mind and often a quick distraction phone call averted a situation in the house. We had to sneakily have the Internet installed but I did that while my brother took her out. You can save the recordings as well which might be helpful if there are anymore break ins.
 

Gany

New member
Oct 25, 2020
3
Thank you so much for the ad, you did make us laugh re the deception bit and the hollow laughter .
 

Gany

New member
Oct 25, 2020
3
Thank you all so much for your advice. We wish you well with your journeys .