not sure of what to do or what im dealing with :/

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by pinkprincess, Jul 4, 2015.

  1. pinkprincess

    pinkprincess Registered User

    Jul 4, 2015
    stoke on trent
    Hi im 30 and ever since I can remember my mum has been a very negative person, flies off the handle very easily,has always been a bit neurotic, has had to also deal with a lot of stress all her married life as dad has always had ill health.
    I noticed her behaviour was getting more hostile argumentative and her memory loss and jumbling her words up in the past 4 years its become a lot lot worse.
    im being kept in the dark but from what I understand my dad and some relatives have taken her to hospital for an initial appointment and now they are waiting on a home visit, I don't know what this means or would indicate.
    im so confused as I know the memory loss etc is most probably down to a medical problem, but im not sure about the nastiness as she isn't nasty to her friends just me, my dad, my boyfriend and one of my sons.
    my main concern is for my son theyr both four (twins) since they were born she has favoured only one of them and now constantly rants shouts and has it in for one of them, luckily he doesn't seem bothered. she accuses him of lying calls him evil, constantly screams at him that he will hav no friends at school, really ott stuff, and has even pulled him back to tell his brother to hit him and its everytime we hav contact with her.
    iv told my dad it would be best not to see her , he says I should ignore it b coz it is my mum and I should not stop her seeing the kids.
    its strange and I find it hard to believe the nastiness etc is medical as when my dad tells her off she does stop it for a week or so then goes back to doing it again, surely if it was her problem causing this my dad telling her off wudnt stop it, im angry at her so angry :(
  2. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    The first thing that jumps out at me is that you should not expose your two boys to what is abuse. If you want to continue to see her then fine but NEVER allow anyone to speak this way to a child and to try to divide them.

    If your mother receives a diagnosis of some type of dementia it may partly explain her behaviour but protection of children comes first.
  3. Ash148

    Ash148 Registered User

    Jan 1, 2014
    Dublin, Ireland
    I agree wholeheartedly with Marionq. The potential repercussions of such abuse, regardless of the reasons it is taking place, are too serious.
  4. pinkprincess

    pinkprincess Registered User

    Jul 4, 2015
    stoke on trent
    I think your right, its just such a shame, I don't want to not see my dad and he will disagree if I don't want the boys to see mum,

    its such a hard situation. dad has got lung disease and I want the boys to see him as much as poosible as he adores them,
    my son who she is mean to does say nana doesn't love me but luckily so far its not affecting him . I told my dad other day it will start to affect him, dad disagreed and said no it wont hes hard faced.
    I am feeling a bad mum either way as id want them to have a relationship with her. It breaks my heart b coz I don't knw if its dementia or just her. how do I know :/
    when they were born she was with me and she said the other( favourite) twin was beautiful and perfect andhas always dismissed the other one never wanted to hold him, I bought this up before the nastiness got bad and my dad went mad and didn't spk for over 3 weeks , what do I do ? I love them both and mum will do anything for us I just cant deal with her behaviour,

    I also need to go there to care for dad as he is more or less housebound and mum doesn't cook for him anymore,

    I suppose I will have to go up when the boys are at nursery or school in September :/

    thanku for ur replies, any other ideas id greatly appreciate <3
  5. Jessbow

    Jessbow Registered User

    Put the children first and always.

    You must explain to your dad that what Mum says hurts the boy, ( no child a 4 is 'hard faced, nor should be) and it must stop, or at least he must see it for what it is- I am sure he wouldn't want to see a child hurt.
  6. reedysue

    reedysue Registered User

    Nov 4, 2014
    If your son says to you that his Nana does not love him, it is affecting him.
    It is a very sad situation but as others have said, your children must be protected from this verbal abuse.
  7. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    West Midlands
    My son was 17 when mum moved in with us. It only lasted 3 months as she was so awful to him. plus other reasons, but mainly because she made his life hell, we moved her back to her home with carers coming in. It took 3 years before he would visit her with me.

    It was only 3 months, but the damage done by her is still having an effect on him and he is now 24

    Sounds like your mum is very like my mum - she was a very critical negative person and it (not that I would ever have believed she could have been worse than she already was) for a time, heightened. A very unpleasant time so you have my sympathy xxx

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  8. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    Pink princess, your family! Mum, probably with dementia says nasty things to a 4 year old. A 4 year old!! I'm surprised you even want to see her again.
    Then you do meals etc for dad and mum, but other family members have gone behind your back to get mum diagnosed.

    Words fail me!
    Personally, I wouldn't stand for it and would concentrate on making both my children feel loved and wanted.
    If other members of your family want to talk to mum, then they can cook for them as well. Nothing should get between you and your children. Also take note of 2Jays post.
  9. Lavender45

    Lavender45 Registered User

    Jun 7, 2015

    I read your post and felt so sad. Your son is only 4 and he is aware that his nana dislikes him. I was only a little older when I was put in a similar kind of situation. I have never forgotten. I did not talk about it to anyone for more than 30 years, but the hurt I felt never went away. Please please protect your son, he does not need to be hearing he is evil or any of the other things she I saying. These things have long shadows.

    As far as your dad is concerned I can understand you want your children to see as much of him as possible, but maybe for the moment that won't be possible. If your mum is undergoing some sort of diagnosis maybe any future medication might mellow your mum's attitude, but for the moment I think you have to be fair to your children.
  10. pinkprincess

    pinkprincess Registered User

    Jul 4, 2015
    stoke on trent
    THANKYOU EVER SO MUCH for your words of encouragement made me cry, I have always been very unsure of what to do in situations regarding family as im 30 they still try to dictate to me, dad is very old fashioned and hes Sicilian old skool so he is all about respect to ur elders, he knws what she is though.
    To the poster who said her mum was similar yes it sounds like it, mine has always been v v critical and negative it really knocked my confidence growing up, it still affects my friend making skills now as I don't believe y people wud want to be mates with me lol,
    I never want to make my son feel this way , I am determined this time to not let anyone sway me.

    Does anyone think as time passes or with meds etc she may change her behaviour? apparently the relatives have got involved because mum didn't want to tell me and upset me , v v strange as shes got a heart of gold in one way but another way is awful :/
  11. Katrine

    Katrine Registered User

    Jan 20, 2011
    #11 Katrine, Jul 4, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2015
    I feel so sad for your little boys, both of them. It doesn't sound as if your parents can really see them as people. One is the 'good one', which will make him anxious because he is expected to be good, and no little boy is always good. The other little boy is the 'bad one', even though he hasn't done anything wrong.

    I know you want them to be close to your parents, but surely only if they are treated appropriately and given affection and praise equally? If not, then you have to protect them and lay very firm boundaries with both your parents.

    Forgive me for playing pop psychologist. I wonder if there is a cultural superstition going on here? Some cultures have strong beliefs about twins. For example, that if they are non-identical then they don't have the same father; or that they mirror the light and dark of the soul. Could your mother believe that one twin has been 'born evil'? If there are such ingrained and dangerous thoughts in their heads then it would not be healthy to expose your sons to that environment.

    I am really sorry if those suggestions offend, and they may not be relevant. It's just what sprang to my mind when you described how your mum has always behaved towards them, from birth. It's pretty extreme to reject one baby and show love to the other one. It's as if she is afraid of him. That's what made me think of superstition, and you did mention Sicilian culture, which is reputed to be full of superstition.

    I hope I haven't upset you. If anything I have said rings true, then it would be worth finding out more from the wider family, so that you know what thoughts you are up against.
  12. pinkprincess

    pinkprincess Registered User

    Jul 4, 2015
    stoke on trent
    yes katrine your absolutely right about a lot of Sicilians some of them are very much like gypsies! lol , but no dad isn't like that nor is he religious and my MUM is English so no its nothing like that or to do with twins, infact theyr both very naughty as in never stop fighting/jumping everywhere, screaming but its the one that gets singled out by mum, the only thing I can think of is when my son was very small in a high chair he was eating his dinner and he slapped my mum around the face, she brings this up again and again so maybe this is the trigger, also when they were born one apparently looked just like me and has done ever since whereas the one she picks on doesn't look like me atall :/
    I remember when id just had them she sat in the chair nextto me in hospital and was giving everyone daggers and sat there like it was a funeral not a nice joyus occasion, I got so mad I jumped up and told her to get out, of course dad was oblivious and blamed it on me , they never came near us for 3 weeks after they were born :(
    Its every nice occasion she ruins she ruined Christmas and their christening, the christeneing because I took a picture of somebody else before her, so she went in a huff all day, I put it down to jealousy at the time but now im thinkin linked to dementia??
  13. Isabella41

    Isabella41 Registered User

    Feb 20, 2012
    Northern Ireland
    PinkPrincess. I'm sorry to say but it sounds more like this is your mum's personality rather than anything to do with dementia. She sounds like a controlling person and is happy when she is calling the shots. There does not seem to be any warmth or emotion coming through when you describe your parents. You have a duty as a parent to protect your children and keep them from harm. Your son has already picked up his nana doesn't like him. There is no telling what is going on in his wee mind in relation to this. Your mother is emotionally abusing your son. Sorry to be harsh but everytime you take your son to visit your are helping your mother to do this. Its possible in years to come your son could ask you why you didn't protect him.

    Every single one of us want to be loved and accepted by our parents and we will cling on the smallest sliver of proof that we can find that our parents are great even when the overwhemling evidence is contrary to this. In your few short postings you paint a picture of a mother who is verbally very harsh, a father who refuses to acknowledge there is an issue. You say your mum has always been very critical and negative when you were growing up but make no mention if your dad backed her up or stood silently in the background.

    I have a mother who by the sound of it could be your mum's twin. She favoured one of my children over the other albiet not to the same extent you describe. She was also very belittling and negative to me when I was growing up and has been particularly nasty in recent years. She does have a dementia diagnosis but her behavior was not much different before the diagnosis than it is now.

    There comes a time when we all need to sit back and take stock of what we are getting out of any relationship and what the emotional cost of it is. In your case your relationship with your mother appears to be causing you more sadness and anguish than anything else. I am not for a minute suggesting you walk away but maybe consider restricting your visits and most certainly not taking your boys along.
  14. pinkprincess

    pinkprincess Registered User

    Jul 4, 2015
    stoke on trent
    yes your all right :/ No one backs me up, Dad wants and needs an easy life because of his illness, he begs me to just ignore her. He used to go mad at her and that was the only thing that stpped her, but now hes mellowed shes worse :( She has always been there for me though if I phoned her at 3 in the morning she would come,would do anything for me, its so hard :(

    Do you think my boy will be ok and not hav any lasting affects if it stops now, im really worried now :/ I told him don't be silly nanny is just grumpy and is grumpy with me too, I said me and you will stick together, he thought that was funny and askd me to marry him hehe so he is ok.

    I havnt been in contact with either of them for almost a week now where id normally be going there to cook and see them. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt the twins dad left when they wer only babies and now he decides he wants contact again, iv also made mistakes and had a few different boyfriends :/ all I want is for them like all you good mums is to be stable and happy iv always shielded them from everythin, and maybe im goin to have to take them away from this situation with my mum as im bangin my head against a brick wall trying to reason with her.

    Thanku so much sumtimes the advice from strangers is the best and most honest advice xx
  15. pinkprincess

    pinkprincess Registered User

    Jul 4, 2015
    stoke on trent

    ISABELLA- did your son click on that he wasn't the favoured one? and what did u do did u stay away from her after that ? xx
  16. Isabella41

    Isabella41 Registered User

    Feb 20, 2012
    Northern Ireland
    Yes PinkPrincess She cottoned on at a very young age. As mum wasn't actually as spiteful verbally as yours appears to be and my dad lavished his attention on her there was no real issues. There were occasions when mum was less than kind but on those occasions I called her on it and said it was inappropraite. Once the girls became teenagers she upped the ante and made very inappropriate comments (no dementia at the time). They voted with their feet and the younger one stopped visiting.
  17. Risa

    Risa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2015
    So sorry that your Mum is behaving this way but at least she is being assessed and help will come. Hopefully with medication, your Mum's behaviour will change and you can have nice family visits in time.

    However I agree with everyone else, it is not fair to you or your little ones to be put in a stressful and unpleasant situation. If other relatives are involved, then don't feel guility about taking a step back. As a Mum you have to put your family first and do what is best in a difficult situation. Your Dad is an adult and whether he agrees with you or not, he can understand your actions but your twins will not understand why they are being treated differently so they need to be protected from the situation.

    I am an identical twin and I am super close to my twin - I hope your sons have the same bond and are each other's best friend. Like me and my sister maybe your twins are very protective of each other and if you hurt one, you hurt them both? The 'good' twin could be feeling guilty about being favoured against his brother so neither twin will benefit from seeing your Mum in the current situation. You sound an excellent Mum and daughter so don't be hard on yourself if you can't please everyone.
  18. henfenywfach

    henfenywfach Registered User

    May 23, 2013
    Hi!..its a situation that has many twist and turns..i was your age more or less when my began acting in a different way. ..if there is a diagnosis of dementia..theres every likelyhood that your mum will and probably is living life through her emotions. Whar that means is that if her diseass has affected her brain to the point that she thinks shes 5 or 10 or any age she could be doing school age falling out. So in essence shes an adult in 2015 living through the only logic she has. She d be unaware...of this...and a stranger or a new man not her dad telling her off would account for the stopping starting...

    If your mum think shes young..your also another stranger to scrap with in a house or school with people that arent her mum and dad or sister etc.

    This doesnt mean it acceptable..but at least youd know its not personnal..her brain might not connect shes your mum or their nan..but she stops because she feels she loves you all..cant commu icate it..and her brain then tells her youre probably a threat as children like i said above.

    Behaviour changes are common with dementia this sort of thing happens all the time..

    Firstly its not personnal (easy to say i know)
    Come down to her level. What would you have done if there were squabbles at school??..
    Dementia friends session is fab and free and gives info on how dementia can affect people. There are also children resources..

    Basically we end up making up a whole world of new realities to keep us and them happy and safe.

    Have a look on the bookcase might help.

    Best wishes

    Sent from my GT-I9505 using Talking Point mobile app
  19. henfenywfach

    henfenywfach Registered User

    May 23, 2013
    Hi! Can i just apologise for appauling spelling in my reply!.long day!

    Sent from my GT-I9505 using Talking Point mobile app
  20. pinkprincess

    pinkprincess Registered User

    Jul 4, 2015
    stoke on trent
    thankyou so much everyone, itsreally helped to make things a lot clearer , xxxx

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